A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know I messed up but what now? I need advice, I know what I need to do but I would like someone else to give me an opinion on how... I started working for this guy, he was my immediate boss, he was handsome and kind and understanding...we became good friends nothing beyond what 2 women would call each other than best friends. He would vent about his life and so would I, we have both been married for a long time, Me,19 years and him,16 years. We are so much alike in ways that most never connect in marriages like ours. He is like a male version of me and I, a female version of him. I get along with his wife and he and my husband, not so much. Our friendship was the best for over 2 years and for whatever reason he made his move, and I,stupidly, reciprocated. We have since moved on in our jobs, he moved 4 hours away but still txt messages me everyday..he says he loves me and the reason we are not together is because he does not want to leave his 8 yr old son with his, what he calls, psychotic wife and in-laws. I do love him, but I love my husband too, and yes you can love two people at the same time. I truly do love my husband, but there is something about "Tom" I can't let go of. He was there for some of the worst times of my life and my husband does not communicate at all he shuts down in the face of any emotional situation. But, Tom understands and talks me "down of the ledge" every time. I have tried to let go but he says he cant imagine his life with out me. How can we get back to just friends or is that not a possibility anymore? Do I need to just tell him it's over and walk away? Or, try to tell him it needs to be just a friends relationship? Someone help me please, I don't want to lose the friendship but I can't keep the relationship he wants to keep anymore, it's not fair to "Jack" and the guilt is eating me alive.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (30 September 2011):
 Sorry about all the spelling mistakes in my previous post. I wanted to reply and I was in a hurry. Telling our husband, or not, is your choice. Some people would say not to do that and others would say that is the thing to do. Good luck. Ehat happened to you happens all the time. Cirucmstances create the opportunity for these types of events to occur and we fall into the trap because it feels good. It happens to all of us, that is natural. In your case you went to the next step. I'm glad you're dealing with it.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (30 September 2011):
Sorry about all the spelling mistakes in my previous post. I wanted to reply and I was in a hurry. Telling our husband, or not, is your choice. Some people would say not to do that and others would say that is the thing to do. Good luck. Ehat happened to you happens all the time. Cirucmstances create the opportunity for these types of events to occur and we fall into the trap because it feels good. It happens to all of us, that is natural. In your case you went to the next step. I'm glad you're dealing with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL who offered advice, it was quite an eye opener for me. I know now that I have to tell "Tom" it is COMPLETELY over. I am ashamed that at my age I was so blind to what was really taking place but now that it has been put in black and white, I get it. I will talk to my husband explain how I feel, tell him what happened, and hope for the best. I think we will be able to work through it, we have been together since we were 15, I think 25 years total is worth fighting for. Thank you again to all who responded.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (29 September 2011):
You have to getn the word FRIEND out of the picture. You have had sex and that change everything. You mention female friends who ended up being not trustworthy and back stabbers.....that is what you're doing with this guy. I'm trying to point out the obvious and you have said you already know this. That is good. Now you have to live it.
If you want councelling, go get some. Tell your husbandyou want him to join you but you're going either way. It's too bad you didn't do this earlier. If this other guy is o nice, why didn't he do everything possible to help FIX your problems? At this point you've already croed the line. That won't change. You can only put your bet foot forward and move ahead. you have to decide what is important to you, the guy or your husband. If it' really your husband then you won't have contact with the other guy...he's trouble. You are weak around him and that is disrespectful to your marriage. Talk to a professional.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): First step, start being honest with yourself. You really are not being honest with yourself. I hope what I have to say helps, but you really need to understand what happened and that can only come from you working on yourself with the right resources (asking your question here is a start, but that isn't enough).You left your husband to get your sexual and emotional needs met elsewhere. The fact that you came back quickly doesn't' change the fact that you left him."I do not want you to think this is something that is common practice for me."Understood, usually it isn't for many people. They do this when in emotional crisis."I love "Tom" for the communication he gives me and just being able to talk to someone. You see, I can sit in the same room with my husband for hours on end an not so much as a word from him."Your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs. Whose fault is that? Both people's faults."I am not making excuses for my behavior it was WRONG on so many levels."Yeah, but you need to understand it, and you simply may find that you need to move on out of your relationships."I guess what I am saying is the "love" I feel for "Tom" is that of a friend."Ok, I can see that, so why the sex? Was it because you were afraid of being rejected as a friend if you didn't? Was it because you felt that it would sort of cement the relationship, or was it for a very poorly understood motive."Not the kind of love I have for my husband, I would not leave my husband for anything."Yeah, you would, you just did, and you came back, and left, and came back. Think of how many times you did that. Would your husband divorce you if he found out? If the answer is "yes", then you know that you were willing to throw away that relationship in order to have the other relationship. By the way, we usually do find out in the end."I have had female friends in the past that I thought were good friends only to find out that behind my back they were not. Some tried to sleep with my husband and some were just plain mean."Really, and now you have slept with someone else behind your husband's back. How did that make you feel? Did that play a role, did you think you were less than they were and now Tom wanting you made you feel like "hey, I'm special and can do it as well" and then you did it to prove to yourself that you were attractive and "wantable"?"I honestly was not looking for more than a friend."That is how it often starts. But, sex is how it ends. Read the book "Not Just Friends"."I lost my dad tragically and then a few weeks later another tragedy struck my family, and I was an emotional wreck to say the least. When I tried to talk to my husband he would shut down and I needed to talk it out, and so there was "Tom"."Which is when most affairs are consumated, during periods of emotional upheaval. They start off as "friendships" which are "emotional affairs" then a period of upheaval occurs or a single crisis, one turns to the "emotional affair partner" and the pants come off."I want my husband, that's it,that's all."Then you now what you have to do. But, you do want more, you want conversation, you want communication, and you aren't getting it."I have tried to stop the communication, in fact I did for over 5 months, but I fell back into the same routine of talking to him because 5 months without having anyone to have a conversation with is awful quiet and lonely."The only way to stop is absolute "cold turkey" and never have contact again."I even suggested to my husband that maybe we could seek counseling to be able to get him to open up a little and start the lines of communication but he says "there is nothing wrong, and he doesn't need counseling" he says if he has something to say he says it and if not he don't."You need to go to counseling, with your husband, to save the marriage. You need to tell him about the affair, you need to tell him why, and you need to tell him that you need a change. Either he will, or he will leave, and you will have to figure out the rest."But, if a friend calls he talks for hours and then when he hangs up it is the same old same old."So he can talk...now can he talk with his wife is the only question. If he won't, other men will, and they will also take the sex that goes along with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you,both, for responding to my question. I do feel I need to explain a little more in detail my situation though because I do not want you to think this is something that is common practice for me. The statement I made about loving 2 people, what I meant by that is that I love "Tom" for the communication he gives me and just being able to talk to someone. You see, I can sit in the same room with my husband for hours on end an not so much as a word from him. I am not making excuses for my behavior it was WRONG on so many levels. I guess what I am saying is the "love" I feel for "Tom" is that of a friend. Like, I would not want to see him hurt or anything happen to him, kind of love. Not the kind of love I have for my husband, I would not leave my husband for anything. I have had female friends in the past that I thought were good friends only to find out that behind my back they were not. Some tried to sleep with my husband and some were just plain mean. You know the kind that you think you can talk about anything with and they say "oh, I won't say a word" and the next thing you know the whole world knows. So my trust in "friends" of the female gender is not really good. So when I found that "Tom" and I talked about things and it went nowhere but between us I thought "hey this is kinda nice to be able to vent and the world doesn't know everything". I honestly was not looking for more than a friend. I lost my dad tragically and then a few weeks later another tragedy struck my family, and I was an emotional wreck to say the least. When I tried to talk to my husband he would shut down and I needed to talk it out, and so there was "Tom". I spilled my guts to him and he just listened and was an emotional leaning post for me. So, in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is I know I made a huge mistake, and I do not want both. I want my husband, that's it,that's all. I have tried to stop the communication, in fact I did for over 5 months, but I fell back into the same routine of talking to him because 5 months without having anyone to have a conversation with is awful quiet and lonely. I even suggested to my husband that maybe we could seek counseling to be able to get him to open up a little and start the lines of communication but he says "there is nothing wrong, and he doesn't need counseling" he says if he has something to say he says it and if not he don't. But, if a friend calls he talks for hours and then when he hangs up it is the same old same old. I feel like I am "up a creek" either way. I already know what needs to be done but going about it, I have no clue. I guess I am afraid of, the "not having anyone to talk to about things" again. So any more advice is welcomed.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (28 September 2011):
This other guy is not a friend. Friends don't have sex. It sounds like you were both flirting and sharing too much personal information. This is the text book lead up to an affair. It's two people getting satisfaction from a person other than a spouse while convincing themselves it isn't really happening.
It's hard for me to understand how someone that was there for all the difficult times would choose to cause another difficulty in your life. That would be tempting you to cheat. Is that what a friend does. I think the reason you call him a friend because it protected you from his real title. He talked you out of the frying pan and into the fire. You probably enjoyed the flattery.
So, he can not really offer anything but more opportunity to cheat. Is that a friend. I would not call someone a friend who treated my wife so poorly. Every moment spent focused on this guy is a slap in the face of your husband.
You can not have both. The fact the guilt is eating you alive should tell you something. The issue is not the feelings you got from this guy, that is nature. The problem is not realizing the truth earlier. It is clear how this all unfolded and it's been seen here many times. You have to be honest with yourselves, you're not capable of having a friendship with this man. Once you understand that you can figure out what to do.
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