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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have been together for 10 1/2 yrs. Recently I found out my hubby has been looking at porn and I have found this very difficult to deal with. I confronted him and he denied it. He hasn't appologised to me or anything. I feel very betrayed and feel as though he has cheated on me. I don't know how to deal with this. I love him so much but don't like him very much at the moment. I need him to reassure me that he loves me but he dosnt seem to bothered.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): I found out after many years of marriage that my husband had been sneaking all that time behind my back looking at porn and masturbating (the two go hand in hand, no joke intended here!) He lied to me about it when I found out and made it out to be nothing when in fact he had a major problem. Although now he tells me he is a different man and is not doing it anymore it has left a deep scar in our marriage. I am not the same person anymore. What your husband is doing is wrong. He knows that too as he is doing it behind your back and lying about it, which is worse than dealing with the actual probelm itself. Unfortunately I don't know the way forward for you, I can't find it for myself either. I know you must talk and he must give up this highly addictive vulgar seedy act. You deserve more and he deserves more out of life too.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 I kind of agree with Milana here except that I think part of the reason you may be feeling this way is that he lied about it and denied it. This was wrong of him imho and has inflamed the feeling in you of being betrayed.
I agree that you have to discuss the reasons he was looking at porn. Porn is in essence fantasy. The problem with porn comes when it begins to become a barrier in the real relationship. Like Milana I suspect that he in fact feels a great sense of shame and that is the reason he is appearing not to be bothered. I would try and initiate a open conversation where you both agree that you are going to talk about how you feel without judgement or recrimination.
Tell him how hurt you are feeling and that you need to know his reasons but try and do this in a way that coaxs him out of his shell.
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A
female
reader, StonePrincess +, writes (17 January 2006):
 You've already been given a very good answer. But I will try to add some help. In a sense it is cheating, because he's looking at other women and maybe having sexual fantasies on purpose, but then again, do you have fantasies, dreams? Would you count this as cheating if you thought about something sexual with a totally hot movie star? Technically he's only looking, perhaps again like Milana NYC, said for things to please you. But either way if you are uncomfortable about him looking at other woman and expressed it, yes, this is cheating. For one thing he is going behind your back for something you disprove of. Talk to him and yes, be open minded, don't immediately accuse him.
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A
female
reader, MilanaNYC21 +, writes (16 January 2006):
 I think you are both right and wrong on the subject. In a recent show on Ophrah, a series of men reported that it is absolutely normal for married men to look at porn. Perhaps, he is looking for new ways to please you by looking at how other women are pleased. He may be having fantasies that he knows you might be uncomfortable fulfilling.
If he has contact with actual women, then you have something to be concerned about. Perhaps, he has not apologized because he is ashamed or scared to hurt you. I think you should talk to him about why he has an interest in this porn. Make him feel comfortable, and tell him you would be more willing to experiment sexually in order to have him step away from the porn!
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