A
female
age
36-40,
*isch777
writes:My husband and I have been together 6 years and married three. From the beginning I told him that if he cheats that's it. He hasn't physically cheated but I still feel like he is cheating. In the beginning I found text message's on his phone. They weren't to bad but there was obviously flirting and maybe even more, I don't really know. I confronted him and we got over it. Then everything was good, that was until about two years ago. I found an e-mail that was between him and his high-school ex. It was them just talking about how they thought they would alway be together, etc. We talked about and he said that they stopped talking on bad terms and they needed to "clear" the air type of thing and that he really didn't mean anything. I got over it but I feel like it completely changed our relationship. Since then I check him e-mail/facebook every once in a while and I notice that he says things that I find inappropriate. Things like hey sexy, etc. I've mentioned it to him before and of course he'll applogize, etc. The same ole he's sorry, didn't realize he was in the wrong, whatever. Well today I got on and noticed he wrote one of my girlfriends (we aren't close but we hang out every once in a while) and he wished her a happy birthday. But his exact words were "Happy birthday to you and your smoking hot ass"...I don't understand it. I am at the end of my rope. It makes me sick to me stomach. We have two toddlers together so I feel kind of stuck. I don't want to leave but at the same time I think I deserve respect. I talk to guys but nothing like that. I realize that I am married and whats appropriate and what's not. I just don't know what to do. I'm done talking to him about it because obviously he doesn't care. I am starting to really pull away. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.Also, does anyone think I'm overreacting?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Look, I'm a guy, and I have to disagree firmly with the poster below "Abella".
"Flirting is what some men do, and just can't stop. It's irritating. But it does not mean they have crossed the line."
Flirting means that you are advertising receptiveness. Really, that is all there is to it, "advertising receptiveness". This is how affairs start. It may take five years of flirting, but then someone responds hotly, and wham bam it happens.
His sex appeal and other crap, or lack thereof, have nothing to do with it.
I don't consider myself all that handsome. However, my wife overheard someone in a casual conversation at a facility where I worked, and she worked part time, call me "devastatingly handsome" one day (they didn't know she was my wife). We talked about it. At first I thought it was funny. However, upon more consideration, it was an eye opener for me. I don't flirt, but if I had been flirtatious when I was there it could certainly have led to problems. As it was, it caused my wife to feel vulnerable to know that other women were talking about me that way at the workplace.
It certainly doesn't mean that I don't find other women attractive, but I don't flirt because it's like playing with fire. Sooner or later someone gets burned.
Men who care about their wives, and women who care about their husbands, do their very best to make sure that they don't solicit these problems by flirting.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Your snooping and prying is destroying trust between the two of you. And that's something i regard as a real a real passion killerYour husband means so much to you. So why do things that will create distance between you and your husband?It would appear that you have been fearful of your husband cheating for a long time. Maybe you have accused himso often, when he has not been unfaithful, that he has turned off from listening to your message.Yet i do not get an indication that he has been unfaithful in a physical sexual relationship with another person. Only that he flirts.Don't allow things to so deteriorate so far that he decides it 'easier to be killed for a sheep as a lamb ' this is an old proverb. Since you have demonstrated a lack of faith in him so many times this has opened up the hurt of an open sore between the two of you. Your continuing snooping just adds more salt to the wound.So in retaliation your husband has chosen to be who he is. A flirty man. That does not mean he is unfaithful to you. He has not threatened to leave. He has tolerated a lot from you because he loves you. But your snooping is too invasive and would be enough to push many men to the edge. It is a betrayal of trust to snoop and pry the way you have been checking up on your man so regularly.If cerebral flirting could be quantified then there is probably no man alive who has not cerebraly fantasised about bedding multiple women that they know or don't know, whether the women are unavailable to them or not.But that is in their brain and so there is no viewable record of that sexual thinking. Completely normal.You don't own your husband's thoughts. We all own our thoughts. No prying possible. No record available to prove nor disprove it. Don't even think of trying to do so.Your husband is clearly a sexy flirty man who loves women. That's probably why you fell in love with him in the first place. And of all the women he's ever liked he chose you to marry, and chose you as the best woman to be the mother of his children.Flirting is what some men do, and just can't stop. It's irritating. But it does not mean they have crossed the line. Crossing the line would be having a sexual physical intimate (petting right through to intercourse) or a sexual internet relationship where intimate talk includes his stated written aim of wanting to meet for a physical intimate sexual relationship and wanting to *uc* the person he is talking to online. A person already in an existing relationship, but who has chosen to really be unfaithful, and concurrently wants to remain married to their partner may conduct a well hiden furtive secret clandestine online relationship. You will not find emails, and you are unlikely to find clues on facebook. Whereas a person who has already written off their marriage, and wants to be discovered, and is completely fed up with their partner may do it so openly, not caring if his existing partner discovers it. Even telling you he's fed up so he's spending the weekend with Miss x. It's too late for talking, it's over. This is where they want to be discovered to force a showdown so their partner ends the relationship.I understand that you and your husband have tried to talk this over many times. But at least you still talk, that's a good sign. But there's talking and there's talking. If it's full of emotional accusatory whining demanding words then the other party will get defensive or eventurn off.I think you should cut your man some slack.If he already knows the extent of your snooping then apologise for it and tell him you will stop forthwith. No demands on him yet to stop something in return.If he does not know the extent of your snooping then don't make it worse. Instead tell him that sometimes your actions in distrusting him may have seemed unfair and for that you are very sorry.And in both scenarios above, add in that from now on you will trust that he loves you, as you love him and will show complete trust in him to always do the right thing. It is because you love him so much that you always want him in your life.You always want to be his best friend and vice versa. You always want for both - you and him to be in a exclusive committed loving relationship with each other.Tell him you feel scared for the relationship when he flirts. But you will demonstrate your faith in him by not assuming talking or contacting another woman means that he would ever be unfaithful to you.Ask only that he consider any contact with another woman - would it pass the following test: if the conversation or the written contact transcript were placed up on screen on morning tv or on the front page of the local newspaper or the nightly state news -would it look inappropriate to millions of other people? If yes, then it has crossed the line. He needs to think before he flirts.And try to make sure you and your husband go on a regular exclusive romantic date, just the two of you, no one else, once a week, without the children and don't talk about the children, it could be as simple as a walk in the park. Find time to be romantic together again. Find time for shared interests. Find time for building trust and loving each other. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (27 November 2010):
He definitely knows he's pushing your buttons, and it's sad he feels he needs to do this to his wife and the mother of his children. Sounds like he's a natural flirt--is he like this in social settings, or just social media? A little harmless flirting can go a long way in sustaining a healthy relationship if both partners are confident and committed, but its seems you have reason to doubt that. While he may be simply flirting and venting, your instincts are telling you it's something more. I tend to agree with this possibility. I wouldn't start calling the lawyers just yet, but perhaps you would both benefit from some counseling. An impartial party who is not emotionally invested in your situation may be able to explain to you husband why what he does hurts and disrespects you. And a counselor might also be able to inform him that power plays and head games of this sort undermine love and drive people away.
I hope you're able to sort this out.
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A
male
reader, Leon7 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 No, you are not overreacting. He is still cheating, mentally. You need to remind him that your his wife, and you deserve his respect and love. If he continues, leave him. The kids need to have parents that love eachother, and dont flirt with others.
Hope this helps!
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