A
female
age
36-40,
*igsaw3010
writes:I have dated my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He is my first for EVERYTHING (first guy to ask me out, i lost my virginity to him, everything). We have our ups and downs His idea of a relationship is I do what I do he does what he does and we meet in the middle which is good but I believe a realtionship should be 80% with the one you love and 20% with friends? anyways my family does not like him and before my family were my friends, and i say were because we are not close anymore since i have been dating my bf. my problem is His best friend (ex best friend now) loves me. and i actually broke up with my bf for a few months bc i was just tired of him putting me down and not treating me the way i liked. now me and his friend had a fling. and i guess i got scared but i went back to my bf. now his friend treated me like a queen if there is anything i wanted in a man he was. he is absolutely perfect for me. but for some reason i cannot let go of my bf. i know he is not right for me but something keeps bringing me back. i love him but i love his friend as well. we all have the same group of friends so i run into his friend quite often and those feelings will not go away. whenever i think of his friend i smile and everyday i think about him. i dont understand why i cannot let my bf go? my boyfriend does not have a job, is not going to school, still lives with his mom (he 25 years old and im 23). ever since i went back to him ive been unhappy. but i cannot let go? please help me what should i do? or how can i get my confindence level back up( bc he has brought it down the past 3 years, i already had insecurities and he thrives on those and brings me down) how can i bring it back up in order to take back control in my life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Oh sweetheart, you already know you have to let go of your boyfriend. Sounds like he's treating you really badly.
I think the hard thing to let go about your boyfriend is probably your sense of familiarity with him. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, and it's hard not to feel comfortable. You are used to his ways, you know what to expect, you know what to react. With his friend, it's a whole new world.
But if your boyfriend is making you feel bad, then it's up to you to be strong enough and let him go. You might feel awful for the first month, but after that (or maybe sooner) you'll feel so much better when no one puts you down or treats you bad.
Just because he's the first for everything doesn't mean he's the one. Being with him is a learning process. And now that you know you're unhappy, you should just leave.
Imagine you having an admirer who texts you 3-4 times a day and calls you everyday. You don't even like this man, but he keeps doing it day in and day out for a year. Then one day he realises that you won't respond so he moves on and stops calling and texting you immediately. Even though you don't like him in the first place, there WILL be this feeling of loss. Your situation with your boyfriend is the same thing, just of bigger magnitude.
Your title already shows that you know it's wrong to be with him. It's reason enough to leave. You just need to be disciplined and stick to your decision.
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 You are in a love triangle. I can see why your family arent keen on him, he has no prospects at the moment. If his friend wasnt around you could concentrate on just you two because it seems like this is what's holding you back and why you arent a 100 percent happy. If you can let go of your feelings for his friend then you can concentrate on your boyfriend. Help him achieve his ambitions so that he can be a better person for you. While ever you are tied up in emotions like this you have no chance of moving on with your life. Take some control now and if your not happy just get away from the situation. Make some decisions today and be strong.
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A
female
reader, breannaleal +, writes (28 November 2010):
of course u cant let go you lost your virginity to him, but if u really like his friend and if he treats u right then go for it. dont be unhappy sooner or later ull forget about him and be focused on the guy that makes u happy.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (28 November 2010):
 A first love makes a bigger impact on us than most of us ever realize. Studies regarding first love relationships and reconnections have shown that our first love leaves an imprint upon us, a neurological attachment between the two people that can last a lifetime. This, however, does not state that all first love relationships are meant to be, nor are they healthy.
It sounds like you have made many sacrifices to try and keep this relationship going, but also sounds like you were, and are not happy in the relationship. Know that this is a positive thing for you as you recognize that the relationship may never be a good one. There are several things you must know and decide upon in trying to let go of your boyfriend. Does he keep pulling you back into the relationship, or do you attempt to restore the relationship? When you were seeing his ex-best friend, was it a true relationship or one where you felt you needed rescuing, payback to the boyfriend, or because you truly felt something for someone else without regard to your first love? You cannot truly let go of your boyfriend unless you know in your heart that it will just never work, or will end up as a disaster. You didn’t state whether your first “everything” was really your first love.
Having been there before, I know it pulls at the heartstrings, deeply. But also know realistically that some things can never be no matter how much we wish them to be. To truly let go of him, means to say goodbye. To realize that the relationship has caused damage with friends and family is a big step in moving forward. As far as the relationship you had with his ex-best friend, you need to really be honest with yourself and figure out if you truly had sincere feeling about him, or was it just a better situation? Being in a relationship where you are constantly being put down and given little value, can make almost any other situation seem perfect. So be fair and honest to yourself about resuming anything with the ex-best friend.
Any relationship that leaves you feeling unhappy, is demoralizing, one that makes you feel bad, and especially break relations with your family, is not a good or healthy relationship, but it’s a very positive sign that you have the ability to move on. You deserve much better than that and want much more. For someone to use your insecurities as a way of controlling you shows that their insecurities are greater than yours, they just chose to manipulate you by focusing on yours.
Getting your confidence back will depend upon you. You need to think you are entitled to a true loving relationship, and feel that you can have one. Identifying what it is that keeps you coming back is crucial in figuring out how to let go. Most likely, you already know the answer, but may be afraid to admit what it is. Facing your insecurities and trying to deal and get past those will also give you an incredible sense of strength, and make it difficult to impossible for your boyfriend to use them against you any longer. Sometimes fear, or feeling that someone “needs” us is so strong that we stay in a relationship not wanting to be blamed for the break up or not meeting someone else’s expectations.
Being honest with yourself and why “you” feel you keep going back to a bad relationship should be addressed. Reconciling with your family will allow you to have the support you may need in letting go of your boyfriend as well as reminding you what unconditional love is all about. If you have lost girlfriends, this is also a good time to try and renew them. You may need to rebuild relationships that will give you inner support and strength before you attempt to say goodbye to your boyfriend. Those are the people that see you as special and important in their lives, and should be the relationships you value and nurture. You have already realized that your situation is not one that is good for you, and that already shows you have strength within you. Give yourself credit for that and hold strong!
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