A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i'm 27 married with 3 kids (5yrs,1yr, and 1mon old) and a step-daughter (4yrs). My husband and i have been having problems from day 1 even before we got married. My husband likes to be with his friends a lot. We don't go out no more and all i do is work and stay home. He works from 9-6 then exercise til late real late that when he is done we are all sleeping already. I know he is not cheating but i want him to want to be with me and the kids. I feel like he only stays around coz i complain or i just force him. i don't know what to do coz i feel like leaving him? what should i do? is it me or what? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, wildman +, writes (11 May 2008):
 You need to remind him that he is part of the marriage and needs to play a more active role. it sounds like he is trying to avoid any responsibilities at home an relive his single days. Babies take two and you can't do it all all the time with no outlet. Explain to him if you are burnt out and see if you both can come up with a compromise. Leaving him would be a mess I think and only should be done after nothing else works.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Ooh sweetheart you are feeling it very hard right now you are the one at home looking after the children and he is the one out at work, the fact that you have a child as young as 1 month old you are certainly going to be feeling it.
Your hormones are raging and you feel quite put on I am guessing.
He feels like he is out doing the work and he should have some ME time but there has to be a balance here.
He could not go out to work if you weren't at home being the full time mum so there has to be a little bit of compromise here.
Now you say you have had problems before you were married? Has there never been a level of balance in your relationship even before your children arrived?
I think the only thing you can do is to sit down and talk rationally, now you could well be feeling postnatal at the moment and he could always blame your mood swings on that so perhaps go and see your doctor first as they will know whether you need any medication to help you get through this time. DON'T leave this though as postnatal depression which is left can easily turn into deeper depression and that is a lot harder to shift, believe me mine was left for over 2 years even though I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall as no one seemed to listen to me but I knew that something wasn't right. I didn't have several other children at the time but I did have a man in my life who could not give me any emotional support and as he was the one DOING the work I should just get on with things i.e. working from home with a newborn baby and trying to sort out an important tender which I had to do all the paperwork for and prepare that for 9 months from just weeks after my daughter was born and then a few months down the line our rented home was being put up for sale and I had to do all the leg work for that as well.
If you are not getting any support at home you will feel put upon and although he works full days there has to be SOME days when he can help you and the children and also have some time for him to go and exercise it shouldn't be a daily routine as where is the support for you and the children. Weekends should also be family time as the children will have grown up before he knows it and then it will be too late.
At the end of the day do you love one another or not?
You may feel that this is a hard question to answer as you may not feel yourself right now but do tap into help from others like family and friends so that you are not the only one doing everything for your children.
Your husband needs to know what you are feeling right now without you getting hysterical or having a shouting match so maybe setting up a time for you both to share a meal together - one that isn't cooked by you but one where you can say OK on Friday we are going to sit down and have a meal together be it takeaway or getting someone to watch the childen so you can both go out and have some couple time together.
You cannot keep on going the way that you have been as he seems as though because he is the worker he has the right to do what he wants to do and to hell with the home life. Perhaps he is avoiding things at home because there is so much tension but avoiding it will never resolve it so try and sit down and talk and if you can't do it on your own then enlist the help of someone else i.e. an outsider like some couple counselling or something.
You both need to do something so that your children don't suffer or grow up thinking that this lifestyle is normal, if he doesn't want to be a family man then why does he have 4 children and a wife. There has to be a balance here.
Perhaps he could go to do exercise twice a week or at the most 3 times but the other 2 days he gets home before the children are in bed and helps you to get them to bed and read them a bedtime story and weekends are definitely family time even if that is mowing the grass or taking the kids to the park so that you can have some time for yourself even one day a week. Time to have a nice long soak in the bath without worrying about the children or time to read a book even.
If you leave this it will get worse and you will resent him so talk it through but rationally and I think that would be better away from the home in a neutral environment like a restaurant or something and someone you trust looks after your children for one evening. In a restaurant things will not get too heated as you are out in public and neither one of you wants to embarrass yourself.
You are a gorgeous mum who just wants the best for her family and herself and that is not a crime to ask for that, you are a family after all but all of you have to work at it not just one of you.
Take care and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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