A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 53 year old caucasian woman. Been married for 28 years. My husband is 58. Have four adult children lost an only son to suicide. My husband cheated on me for 1 year with three asian young women. He had a five month affair with one and took her on 2 vacations to San Diego and Las Vegas. I found out by finding a picture of one of the girls in my husbands top drawer. I then checked bills emails text messages. I finally emailed one of the girls she told me about the affair and how my husband was a liar and an old man. He finally admitted to the affairs because I found a lot of pictures of her on his phone. We went to a marriage counselor, he said my husband and I should try to work it out. We did but I don't trust him, he broke it off with the woman on the phone. He had me listen so I could hear. Now he is getting confident again and when I bring up this particular affair he says don't be so jealous. He says he loves me and during the time he had the affairs we had no sex. I didn't even realize we had gone so long without it. He went to the doctor and everything is somewhat back to normal or is it? I feel like an old stupid woman.
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, jealous, liar, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): I am very sorry to read about your distress. I suggest that you read agatha Christie's 'The Mysterious affair at Styles' and some P.G. Woodhouse's stories which deal with similar marital or love difficulties. In my view the stories give very interesting practical approach on how to deal with marital difficulties as observed from real life. It seems that far from the modern 'lets talk it through' and analyse it till kingdom come approach (which doesn't seem to be working anyway - you are still hurt, and your husband who did the hurting seems to be getting away with freely showing an arrogant upper hand - according to him it is you who supposed to be responsible one. It seems that his accusations are:
1. you didn't give him sex - Well, shouldn't he have done something about it? Do women just 'give' sex to man? (Like cows give milk?) After all a woman can be courted and seduced at any age and why not by her own husband? Is marital sex a matter of fact 'service' such as breakfast or dinner or cleaning of the house? Is it something you 'owe' your spouse? Or is it part of the relationship?
Interesting how hypocritical men can be:
When they court a woman - if she doesn't give them sex straight away they believe that she is the 'good' sort, a 'lady', modest, 'worthy' - it fuels their love and desire - they try to be worthy of her.
When they have grown to take a woman for granted and dominated her emotionally ('she loves me no matter what')- if she doesn't give them sex they pronounce her 'unworthy' it is something wrong with her - it doesn't dawn to them that they might not be as attractive (physically or/and as a person) as they used to be....
2. he claims your problems stem from your feelings! (you are jealous)
So he can to hurt you but you are not supposed to react - while he is probably getting a huge kick out your negative reactions (just as a teen-age child does when he winds up his parents). So who is being here the adult? He doesn't seem deeply sorry for the pain he has put you through. Does this sadistic and childish streak make him an attractive man?
Well apparently our proud and wise grandmothers new better then rush to payed help and agony aunts - they put up a fight for their happiness!
In as much as I understand from literature (and life) they:
1. They gave their husbands a piece of their own medicine - make him jealous till his eyeballs pop out!
In one of the Agatha Christie stories a wife actually hires an escort (the husband thinks it's an actual date) to make the husband jealous - suddenly he wonders what has he been not noticing about his wife - what others want becomes desirable...
2. Under no circumstances they believed any of the nonsense that they are responsible for their husbands behavior. Forget being 'nice' - he isn't and he is not going to have any respect for you until you remain so.
You don't have to show your anger openly (as one of the male writers above suggests) - that is more appropriate for very small unpleasant incidents - but not to something as grave as this. You will only lose your own self respect if you do and it won't give you the same strong position for the future (whether you decide to stay with him or not) as teaching him a lesson and showing him that you are a desirable woman will.
Allure is mystery, the 'perhaps', may be'..... let him wonder, guess...
P.G. Woodehouse tells us (women) - Do not give in to soon! Let him 'stew', let him buy chocolates and flowers, let him court you - this makes a man value you a 100 over any other women. He also suggests that a woman can be attractive at any age: all it takes is a skirt and some lipstick - there always be men falling for you... including your husband.
Apart from some good advise these books are very entertaining and will take your mind off your worries giving your space to heal and 're-charge' your batteries and this has a settling affect which allows you to understand how you really feel and what would you like to do about it. And last but not least - I find that nature - parks, flowers, the sea have a wonderful healing effect - they put everything and everybody in your life into perspective.
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): There isn't an answer why men or women have affairs. I just think they lose their minds and have an evil streak inside with no conscience. For us who are deeper in the world of Love can't imagine someone who we loved so much would do this, we feel lost and betrayed. And RIPPED OFF, don't you wish you could go back and change the man you married to someone else? Well, I just think the pain you have endured has made you a stronger person, I am going through the same, I have had a rough life, but this affair my husband had has made me a little bitter. But you know I am out for myself, now I take care of myself, my hair is long, I love the way I look I have been asked if I am my daughter's sister, she is 15! I feel OKAY.. So look after yourself, the worst has happened you have decided to stay with your husband, you will never forget the forgiveness will come slowly, and the way you will feel for him well the love I can't answer because it has been 2 years for me and it is not there yet..so it takes time...but sweetie it is about YOU NOW, it is your turn, he turned to women who cared for themselves if that is what he wanted give that to him....my husband can't get over the change in me and it scares the CRAP OUT OF HIM!
THINK OF YOURSELF NOW
BIG HUG AND I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU XO
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I'd hazard a guess that you're either approaching or going through the menopause. Men only have a mid-life crisis with no physical effects and men always want sex or are thinking about it. Some women suffer, sometimes unnecessarily, during the menopause and they tend to go off sex a bit. Men don't. It's a basic need for them that doesn't really diminish as the years go by.
I'd guess your husband had a lack of understanding of your feelings at the time and if he wasn't getting any sex at home he went looking elsewhere for it. Pretty much a classic reaction to being totally sex-starved. The clue for me is that you went a year without sex and didn't even realise it. He probably knew almost to the week how long it was since he had sex with you.
I doubt that you're stupid and I also doubt that everything between you will get back to what it was before he strayed. If you want to get back to how things were, or something close to it, you'll have to stop bringing up his misdemeanours every time you have an argument. Instead, have a damned good blast at him, vent your anger, throw a few saucepans and some crockery at the wall and get it out of your system. Then kiss and make up (properly!) and don't bring the subject up again unless he strays again. If he's getting all he needs at home he won't need to. I appreciate this might not be all that easy for you to do, but from a man's perspective it's the smoothest route out of this mess that you find yourself in.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): You are not stupid! Follow Pepper27's advice. Work on yourself. Change your mind-set. I had to do all those things, and I am a better person for it! My situation may have been totally different, but the feelings of being stupid, foolish, and unworthy of better treatment were all there! It took me a while to work my way back, but all my looking back and dealing with the pain has been worth it.
I wish you luck and happiness!
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (28 February 2009):
 Hi sweetheart
You are defiantly not a stupid old woman, You have had to cope with a lot, Both the previous posters have given you great advise..You need to start thinking of you and your needs as a beautiful young woman. Your self esteem takes a huge nosedive when this happens. I'll send you a good link to help you.
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Its not easy to walk away, (Even though Id have nailed his balls to the dresser!!!!)..Hunny the most important person here is you and he should understand this..You need to vent you need to let him know how you feel, Go to counselling again he will then realise things are not as rosy as they may be in his head...Get rid of the worry you have and then decide what to do from then on..If you need a chat at any time, Please message me TAKE CARE WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (28 February 2009):
 Hi hun. As I read your question I think you will get a number of thoughtful replies on this one. Some may disagree with me but this is not an unusual situation. This may well be a case of checks and balances. I agree with the previous poster that you do have the shared history with your husband. It has been my observation that people with long term marriages who cheat often panic when there is the possibility of their spouse leaving them. It is as if they need the stability and commitment of the marriage but feel they are missing out on the freedom enjoyed by singles.
Your dignity has been violated. What you do now is the kicker. What is your financial situation. Do you work? Could you make it on your own? It is not easy to live with mistrust and suspicion. I would suggest that you try a different marriage counsellor. Obviously, the one you saw seemed to think there was something worth saving but if you are unhappy...then more work is needed here.
You have the right to be in a situation where you are respected. I agree with the previous poster that you need to look at issues regarding sex but do not think this justifies your husbands cheating on you.
It is not easy leaving a long term marriage and it would be good if you and your husband are just not another statistic on the divorce road. On the other hand, you have your dignity and I think what you really need to know is how sorry he really is and will it happen again. Time will give you the answers. There is the chance that you will be happier out of this situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Oh please don't feel like a stupid old woman!
You have been through so much it seems. I was kind of heart broken to read your question. What your husband did was wrong. Being married for so long means you have that much more invested in this man. Your whole life has been shared with this individual, so understandably everything has been turned upside-down by his utter lack of compassion, honesty and respect for you.
And you cannot be expected to just bounce back now that he has apologized. Of course you will be suspicious now! Trust has to be earned back, so don't let him tell you off for being "jealous".
But now is the time I suppose for some tough questions. Can you really forgive this man and trust him again? Will he cheat again? Are you wiling to address the reason why he cheated in the first place? You have to think about yourself a little bit here. You are not some young couple with small children you need to think about. You are a mature woman who maybe needs to start creating a life where she is respected, loved and told the truth. If you feel you can do that with your husband now, then you had better get to work. If not, then it's time to move on. No matter how old you are.
I know this is a long response but I just wanted to mention one more thing - please explore your issues around sex etc. It seems like you are experiencing a lull in your libido, maybe you could discuss this with your husband.
I really hope I have been some help. Good luck!!!!!
...............................
|
