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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I know this has been asked a zillion times before and that I'll probably get the same answers telling me to get over it, but I feel very insecure about my boyfriend watching porn. It's obvious from an objective point of view that these women are more attractive than me. Even with their fake stuffed breasts, they are better because I have next to nothing. No matter how much I work out or eat healthy or anything I do, I will never ever look like them. I can't compete and don't tell me not to compete, because it's natural to feel like this, just as looking and lusting over other women is natural to men. It makes me feel insecure and threatened, even if he will never meet them, because let's get real he would probably be thrilled if I had a body like that! It makes me feel that bit less special and sexy in bed. I do everything he wants in bed. I could probably be a porn star if I had the body if you get what I mean. He's never complained about my body although on the rare occasion that we've discussed this he's told me that yes these girls have better, hotter bodies, that of course most guys think so, that these girls HAVE TO be like this, that he likes bigger breasts, but that he loves me not them, they're just images, stop being so insecure and shallow and etc, etc.I know he loves me and that's also what gets at me. He's so sweet and loving, but thinking about his "turned on face" staring at these women, thinking God knows what about them, probably thinking about screwing them and thinking who knows what about their bigger, better breasts... it makes me feel like he'd enjoy everything we do better if I had such a body. Like my body isn't the best but it was the only box available at the time to contain the rest of the package.I know the rest of the package is what really matters (my wit, intelligence, humor, talents, feelings, etc). It still gets to me. I know he loves me but it's so hard to grasp that he lusts over these other perfect women and masturbates to them... and I don't do that. I don't watch porn. I don't read romance novels. I do masturbate but only thinking about him or looking at our pics. I don't get "wet" from other guys, honest. They just don't cut it for me.I understand his needs and understand this has nothing to do with me (hey, he's been doing this from before he met me so how could it be about me?). Which only makes it worse, since I know I'm being totally irrational and stupid. Which is why I DON'T want him to stop (even though he offered to, I declined, obviously). That would be selfish. But I still feel less special and less sexy when we have sex, with my small breasts, less than tight abs, stretch marks, etc... It's a lose-lose sitch for me! Maybe it's me thinking he wished I had that body, because hey he probably does, but all I know is I wish I had it because then I wouldn't feel threatened by porn. If I had big breasts and a trim stomach, and sultry eyes, I definitely wouldn't care if he watched porn 'cause he'd be watching women like me but sadly Mother Nature didn't bless me with those looks.Ok, bash me for being insecure... I know being insecure is like the ultimate sin, because I'm supposed to be a normal modern woman and normal modern women should accept and even love porn, but I don't. Not because I don't want to, believe me I wish I was like that, even bi, to appreciate the ladies better, but I'm not. Also, please, please I don't want answers "preaching" why porn is bad and Evil and how it degrades women, and blah, blah... sorry but I have no moral issues with porn as people can do whatever they want for a living, plus those posts usually aren't really helpful and they usually divert the discussion in other directions that aren't helpful either. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): you poor girl, I have been there too. It went on for most of our relationship from being newly weds through to my pregnancies...and enough is enough.
If I had known he would still be doing it 8 years later I would have left at the newly wed stage.
Sad thing is though I could have easily just have ended up with another guy and the same problem.
So I guess what Im saying is try to talk with him and tell him how it makes you feel....if he really loves you and respects you he will stop...he has a serious problem (but all men do now..it the age of the internet!)
I told my hubby the last time that if I ever found out again I would leave and take the kids and he realised it just wasnt worth it. I know you dont yet have kids but you get my point? I went on antidepressants...something I have never forgiven him for....he made me feel so unattractive...BUT that was his problem it wasnt me! And if your guy is saying those girls are hotter he is disrespecting you and he needs to know that.
Porn is just on a screen and stops men from actually living their lives...they are strange creatures.
I hope it all works out for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Sorry... it's me again...
If you can, please spend more time walking about in the nude without any clothes on. You need to appreciate how beautiful you are. Some women are upset because the porn girls have bigger breast, some women get upset because the porn women have smaller breast... the thing about porn, is it's fantasy. No matter what you look like, some guys still like to look at pornography because they find it sexy. You don't like pornography and this is ok. But you must feel comfortable and sexy in your own body, it is unique.. there is nobody else with a body like yours. If you are smaller.. bigger women like me wish we were small as well. If you are short, you want to be tall. We women compare too much. Men are not like this.. they like women off all shapes and sizes, and he would not want to leave a clever, truthful and understanding woman like you. He wouldn't trade you for the world
Try to learn to appreciate your body as much as your boyfriend dose. Use oil and massage your body every day. Get used to the feel of it, more than the way it looks. Your body is perfect, it's perfect for you. Why do some men and some women still like pornography. Because it's sexy, because it's fun, because it's forbidden, not because they want someone else.
As I said, show him your post and hopefully he will understand that you don't like it at all. You are doing nothing wrong, you don't like it, and you can't make yourself like it, and therefore you'd prefer if it wasn't in your life. This is right for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Ok babes, you've thought this through. You understand all the issues about men and their liking of pornography. Fine.. it bothers and disturbs you, and it's not something you can cope with. Only two solutions remain.
1. You leave him, and find a guy who doesn't like pornography
2. He gives up pornography because it causes you so much distress.
Show him this post.. Tell him you have tried to accept this, but you really can't, it upsets you badly, and you have tried to understand. Tell him it is interfering with your sex life, because you don't feel comfortable about it all.
Unfortunately, most people find other people attractive, and yes most people do fantasise about others, even if they don't like pornography. You want to be his whole world, you want to feel like the prettiest woman in the world. Well fine, show him this post, and I hope with all my heart that he will understand that you need him to give up. Maybe he won't give up totally, but at least he can hide it from you, and keep you from knowing whether he looks or not. If you don't like pornography, tell your guy to hide it from you, and then assume that he's not interested. Having more sex with him might also help, and take some sexy pictures, in sexy underwear.. men also like this a lot
Try to bargain with him, you will do your best to make your sex life good, and he must try to give up, or at least cut back on the pornography.
Unfortunately men are different from women.. not many of them can stop thinking about sex or finding another woman attractive, but that doesn't have anything to do with love and worshipping the woman they are with. Show him this post.. I think it might help, because he seems to love you a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): At last , a guy who understands....Replacement you did a great job at answewring this question..when all most guys say is stuff like ''but he loves you' 'he's with you and happy to be with a ntaural woman' You seem to understand that theres much more to it than that....Most of us women simply dont want to share our bodies with men who are also looking at other naked womens bodies its as simple as that...it makes us feel like crap!
You deserve a wonderful woman and when you meet her she will be lucky to have you...
OP, we dont have to put up with this...stop justifying your feelings....the sooner women stop giving it up to men who w....k over porn the sooner we'll be a lot happier.....sure, there may be a few years of guys shortage....but I for one would rather share the real men who dont need porn as opposed to the little adolecsent "so called men" who think porns OK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): You know, I heard a story once. A woman who wasn't particularly beautiful or shapely was attracting Many guys. What she had going for her was confidence. She loved herself. And you need to love yourself/body too. Start right now:) Confidence radiates sexuality, and you have it within you. It took me awhile to learn this, but it's really true.
Also, if your guy were to meet a porn star...after spending time with her shallowness, freakish body, selfishness...I think he would come home running to you and your natural beauty!
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 Many women feel like you do. You're not wrong to feel like this. It makes perfect sense for you to feel this way, in fact, given the situation you (and many other women) are in. Stop apologizing and over explaining your feelings, they are valid, so stop putting yourself down for feeling this way.
There are some potential solutions for your problem. Let's see...
1. Get implants, work out 5 hours a day, starve yourself, bleach your hair, etc, etc so that you can "compete".
2. Get your boyfriend to stop watching porn. Or ask him to watch porn with a more... realistic image of women's bodies (ie. amateur porn). Even better, make your own porn for him to watch.
3. Dump your boyfriend and find a man who doesn't get off to that aesthetic (the porn star look). We are out there and we are many, we are just not quite so vocal as the men who enjoy it.
4. Keep trying to ignore or rationalize away your feelings and continue hating your body and worrying about what he's doing, see how long it takes before you have a nervous breakdown or the relationship dies.
I know that none of these solutions is really... a solution. I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm not sure what you want to hear.
I would like to suggest that, contrary to what to say in your opening paragraph, there is nothing "natural" about the relationship dynamics between men and women in regards to porn, insecurity, etc. It's not natural for a woman to feel insecure, it's not natural for a man to jack off to other women. It's common, sure. Perhaps even the grand majority of relationships work this way. But relationships can be done in different ways as well, so that neither party feels less important than the other, so that no one feels inadequate, and no one feels entitled to ogle and jack off to images of others, so that both partners feel (and are) loved, special, wanted, desired, and so on. I'd argue that this (the way I interact with my special lady friend) feels more natural, more comfortable, and much easier and more pleasurable, than the way you and your boyfriend (and countless other couples) choose to operate.
Just sayin'. You don't have to settle for this.
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A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (20 February 2009):
Not sure what to add besides, as to the "thinking God knows what", I expect he is thinking how much he would like to do those things with you.
And don't beat yourself up about being insecure. When my partner mentions some guy she talked to who works in finance and makes a million a year, my stomach drops. I'm sure she would be thrilled if I made a million a year, but just because the idea is nice doesn't mean that she spends her time wishing I were rich, or were a Prince, or had Gael Garcia Bernal's eyes (though she does think they are lovely, and to be fair she's right).
I think you sound like an incredible young woman (18-21? really?) who is way way too hung up over this perfection thing. Seriously, it so does not matter, it's like a guy who drives a nice sports car. Yeah, pretty, doesn't make you want to jump into bed with him.
Don't confuse the intensity of sexuality and orgasm (which is based on emotions and endorphins) with the intensity of feelings about the shapes and sizes of body parts. They are diminishingly insignificant.
You said it is natural to compete, and that you feel less special in bed by comparison. First, trite as it sounds, there will always be people better off and worse off that you, and comparing yourself to others is a great way to end up miserable. Not just in relationships, but in jobs, families, money, you name it. Recognize that counterproductive habit, and work to balance it. Second, your feelings of specialness in bed shouldn't come from your body shapes. Even if you looked like the fittest of athletic adult film stars, how would you feel in 20 years? There are always younger women, and time only goes in one direction.
At least from the perspective of someone in their 30s, what makes you feel special is that you are in bed with someone who loves you more than anyone in the world, who feels privileged to share the space and the experience with you, who trusts you enough to relax and feel safe with you, and who lets you feel comfortable enough to be yourself and be known to them. That's special. Implants and six-pack abs seem trivial at that point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): haha well if you dont want preaching or to be told to get over it then what do you want??? If your guy knows you feel like this he should stop, not because porn is degrading to women rararar all that 'preaching' but because he loves you. He should live to love you and put your happiness before everything and if that means giving up porn then he should do it so you feel more sexy and special and feel happy and loved.In my personal opinion and my boyfriend's opnion... porn is for sad pathetic shallow freaks who can't enjoy the real thing properly. I mean who prefers pixelated images to feeling real skin.....? Only losers!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): not sure on what your question really is. you seem to have done all the things you can and have a very caring relationship, and I don't think you are really insecure.
Do you ever watch the porn and think well all guys should have 12" dicks, last forever and climax like an elephant so why do you do the same for the women? Its a film for entertainment - it is not real life. And no you can't match it, no more than I can match Brad Pitt....you don't watch westerns and think you should go around shooting people.
do you ever see his turned on face with you?
if you had big breasts (From my perspective small is incredibly sexy just as much as big. The only really correct size of breasts is the pair you hold in your hands.) and all the other things that pornstars have, then I don't think he would want you, he likes you as you.
Be happy with your 'box' and shag his brains out.
Hugs Star.x.
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