A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for just under two years and we had a distant relationship for the majority of that time, although we lived within half an hour of each other for about six months. Just over a week ago we moved into a flat together. I moved to the city he lives in. We live with three other people, who are really nice and have been very welcoming. However, there are now some problems that I have to face that I’ve been avoiding for a couple of years. My boyfriend has several good female friends who I’ve never quite been comfortable with. One of them invited him on a month long overseas trip (just the two of them), another asked him to cuddle and one of them he thinks is the sexiest thing alive. I haven’t had to meet these friends yet but now that I’m living in the same city they’re around and I can’t avoid them. I don’t want to seem like a bitch because they’ve been nothing but nice to me, however, I just can’t help feeling that they have a different idea about boundaries and what’s appropriate than I do. They do things behind my back that they don’t seem to think anything of but that I find quite hurtful. But because they’re always so nice to my face, I have to be nice back to them or else I look petty and mean. What can I do? How should I deal with these girls? These girls are very loud and outgoing and confident and I am shy and introverted.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Honeypie has it right.
Hold your friends close and you "enemies" closer.
work hard to make these women YOU feel threatened by YOUR FRIENDS too.
but yeah a month long trip with a female friend without your gf is not acceptable in my book and I would not allow my partner to do it... if he insists it would be "bye bye partner"
and if a woman asked my husband to "cuddle" he would probably say "no" or better yet "ask my wife if it's ok"
so friends are fine
NO overnight visits
NO cuddles..
does he cuddle with his guy friends?
A
male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Greetings,I think the keyword here for him is BOUNDARIES,The Keyword for you is ACCEPTANCE.You need to accept that whilst he has female friends he chose you as a girlfriend, someone to be closer with and that hasn't changed.Your bf on the other hand needs to learn to erect boundaries with these female friends. I agree cuddling is a NONO when you have a gf unless it was under extreme circumstances, loss of family etc.The going on holiday alone with another girl who isn't your gf is another NONO and I would hope he didn't agree to the suggestion, if he did then you need to let him know how you feel.There is very little point making him drop all his friends because you feel threatened by them as this will only create a rift which will only cause trouble.Instead try to arrange a group activity together as HoneyPie suggests, let them spend more time with you and have it in a situation where everyone knows the score like dinner at a restaurant or something like that as it will mean that no-one can get too close to another.If after this things don't improve then ask yourself do you need to move on?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Go out and met them, I think often when female friend met the GF they tend to SEE the person as a REAL person, where as when they just HEAR About you from the BF, you seem less "real" - and therefore they don't feel as bad being flirty with your BF.
When my first BF and I had been dating for about a year his ex showed up one afternoon unannounced, my BF was at work so I just let her in and we had tea and a chat. She had been gone for a uni program overseas and was wanting to re-kindle their relationship even though she KNEW he had a GF. However, we had a nice afternoon chatting, mostly about travel and after that she basically left my BF alone.
So let them GET to know you.
Don't feel threatened, if he wanted to BE with them, HE would be.
Now going on holiday with a female friend who wants to cuddle, is NOT OK and I would talk about boundaries with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): First off, you have apparently forgotten that your boyfriend has made a commitment to you. That means, boundaries must be set as far as behavior towards other single women. He has every right to have lady friends, regardless of their looks.
Their behavior around you must be respectful; and your relationship should be acknowledged as exclusive. That means they don't get to treat your boyfriend like a boyfriend; but a friend.
You are right, it is petty if your feelings are only out of jealousy; because the other women are attractive and outgoing. They were friends before he committed to you.
As it turns out, they are in the friend-zone; and you were selected to be his girlfriend. Does that not account for anything with you?
If he must cancel friendships for the sake of your insecurities, you shouldn't have bothered to become his girlfriend. You weren't ready and you need work. That is not their fault, or his.
On the other hand, he should be intelligent and considerate enough to know guys with girlfriends don't go anywhere alone with other pretty women. That is a no-brainer.
If they say or do things that you feel uncomfortable with,
say something. Don't sit around steaming at everything said and done around you like a coward. Tell your boyfriend that you're fine with his friends and think they are sweet. You don't think they should be spending so much private time; because you feel they are being disrespectful by asking to be alone with him; when they know he is in an exclusive relationship now. If the invitation can't include you both, then what does he have a girlfriend for?
If you are weak, don't stand up for yourself, have petty jealousies and insecurities. That means you were not ready for a relationship.
You need time to mature and build self-confidence; in order to deal with the very adult-situations and challenges that comes with having relationships. No one has to adjust their lives to your shortcomings. It is loving and kind, when they are willing to overlook normal and harmless quirks. Nobody's perfect. Insecurity is not a quirk.
The looks of other people should not intimidate you. The physical appearance of the girls he knows have nothing to do with you. You are the girl he wants to be his girlfriend.
They sense your weakness, and they will prey on it. The only thing you should change, is being insecure about yourself. Everything else is what drew him to you.
Insecurity kills relationships. No one has any responsibility to build you up. Only support you.
They can't fix your insecurities. That's your job.
If you want to have a boyfriend; then you must be mature enough to hang in there, and learn to use your girl-power.
Insecurity is just an excuse people use to explain their unfounded fears or weaknesses that they are too lazy to work on. The good news is, it's curable. If you don't have an underlying personality disorder, it's just a matter of self-improvement. Learning your own power; and when or how to assert it. It's called personal-strength. Character.
Let your boyfriend know how you feel about pretty single women wanting to take him on vacations and spending time alone with him. Those are legitimate issues that should be directly addressed. It's time to set some boundaries. Have that talk to let him know what you don't intend to tolerate, or consider disrespectful. If they are truly just friends.
Don't let your emotions do all the talking. You better use some logic. That's what we men understand. Babbling on and on about how jealous and intimidated you are, will go in one ear and out the other. Just inform him you know the difference between flirting and just being friends.
Trust him only if you see actual effort on his part to prove his respect and love for you.
If something bothers you; don't whine. Speak up with confidence. If he ignores your feelings; he was a poor choice of a boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 “These girls are very loud and outgoing and confident and I am shy and introverted.”The statement above says it all. The girls are not the problem, you are. How so? You are the opposite of these girls, and in any situation your reacting would be the same.Option 1…Become like them…Not normally a good idea, as giving up who you are could be worst for you long term.Option 2…Opposite attract…Normally when someone has wild friends, their partners are normally cool, calm, and down to Earth.Option 3…Birds of a feather stick together…You decide this wild uncertain relationship is not what you have in mind, and move on to find a guy closer to your personality.Option 4… Sit him down and talk to him. Explain how you feel. If he is not willing to try and change things because his friends are more important…well then you know where you stand.
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