A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my boyfriend of a year has an addiction to SHEMALE porn. He has been watching now for about 10 years and he is about to be 30. Not only does he masturbate to it on a frequent basis, but he has actually acted on it a few years ago before we were together. He said that he went on some website and then met up with a tranny and had one night of experimentation and that was it. I am so beyond freaked out right now. My mind is just blown! I'm trying to be loving and not judge him because I know how ashamed he feels about it but what in the world am I supposed to do here? I love him, but this has made me look at him in such a different light, and not only that I'm worried that he will act on his urges again. I mean he still watches that type of porn so clearly he's fantasizing and still turned by it. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and that he's going to quit watching that kind of porn. I don't want him to suppress his sexual desires and then a few years down the road he realizes that's what he wants. We have a great sex life and we are both very open and adventurous together. What should I do at this point?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I'm bisexual and I'm in a committed lifelong relationship with a man I love very much. Our sex life is amazing and I have never been tempted to cheat. So it can work.However, what worries me about your situation is first of all his reasons for never doing it again ; shame, guilt, you. Those are all reasons based on what he 'should' do rather than what he has voluntarily chosen to do. I have had sex with other women and I have no shame or guilt. So my partner can rest assured than I have chosen to be with him for reasons outside social pressure. In your case, he is suffering psychologically as a result of suppressing the desire.So I really don't know what advice to give. What does your gut feeling say?Watching pornography is ok but I'd be very uncomfortable going to voyeur clubs till death do us part. I'd feel like I was not enough and because it doesn't stimulate me, I'd be very uncomfortable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo you're exactly right I am trying so hard to fight off my instincts and just think that maybe I should be more open minded about this. I'm literally having a mini panic attack right now. I am in love with him and have absolutely no clue how to deal with this. How can I invest my future with someone who is unsure of their sexuality?! I manifesting all these thoughts in my head about what he's done or what he will do. I mean something just isn't right here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): You ate fighting how you feel 'instinctively' and no amount of verbal reasoning will change that. It is within you and you feel threatened and confused. He would have to be with a very open minded or bi curious type of woman to accept all this. This would manifest in my mind. The elephant may be too big. Can you really live with this?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
 I agree let him know how you feel.
HE TRIED IT ONCE and clearly he did not like it enough to do it again... that alone is telling.
sometimes a fantasy is better as a fantasy.
FWIW I am a former swinger. If it's a sex act, I've done most of them. Threesomes and foursomes and fivesomes of all types. I am also bisexual.
However, my current husband and I are monogamous and DO NOT SHARE no matter what... so I do not act on my "non mainstream" (for lack of a better term) sexual urges in real life (my fantasy life when I'm alone is my business) and I'm perfectly able to control it. And yet given my choice of porn now, I want girl on girl action...
it's VERY possible he is going to cut way back on this type of porn. It's also HIGHLY likely that he has no intent to actually do it again... sadly for most folks real life RARELY lives up to the fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the feedback. You have no idea how helpful it is to hear other people's thoughts and advice on this because I am just so confused about the whole thing. I have spoken to him more about it and although he doesn't want to discuss it too much he's trying to be somewhat open with me. He says that after that one time of experimenting he felt so bad and ashamed of it, and he hated the way it made him feel so that's why I should never worry about him doing that sort of thing again (his family is very religious and he said after he did it he went home and got on his knees and prayed). I told him he shouldn't have felt guilty about fulfilling a sexual desire or fantasy though, and that exploring his sexuality isn't a bad thing. I mean obviously I don't want him to do it again, but I do want him to happy. Side note: he's been super loving and clingy towards me ever since all this came out yesterday. I'm really trying to be a loving, non-judgemental gf, but in my head I'm freaking out!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 ****He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and that he's going to quit watching that kind of porn. I don't want him to suppress his sexual desires and then a few years down the road he realizes that's what he wants.***
TALK to him about this, tell him your worries.
I have to say it's not realistic for him to "promise" to never watch that type of porn, it's been a part of his life for 10 years, he acted on that fantasy/fascination as well.
Does it mean he will want to try it again? Not necessarily - since he already tried it once, BUT ONLY once, maybe he likes the fantasy of it, but not the reality. And let's face it porn isn't reality AT ALL.
I agree that he COULD be bi-curious or even bisexual - however that doesn't mean he has less control of his sexual desires then a straight person. Some bisexual are turned off by their desires for same gender because they feel it isn't what they SHOULD be doing/feeling. I can see why a fantasy with a tranny/she-male is less "threatening" for a man then man/man sex. A tranny LOOKS female (but with added male parts).
Honestly, I would just talk to him.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love  +, writes (27 February 2014):
I would say he's bisexual but is suppressing his feelings by wrapping it up in an interest in she-males.If he's still looking at porn of that type, he obviously hasn't scratched his inquisitive itch and will most likely act on the urge again, as you fear.
No amount of sexual experimentation between yourselves will satisfy his desire for sex with another man.Because that's what it amounts to, whether you call them trannys, she-males or whatever, its still sex with a man and its something you'll never be able to offer him.
If you feel you can live with this and love him enough in other ways, you may want to take the risk but judging from the tone of your post, I think its changed your view of him in ways that can't be repaired
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