A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling insecure about a female friend of my partners. In all honesty I'm naturally anxious and have low self-esteem however I've been working on this in therapy and feel I'm making huge strides, even my partner has said as much.But this one person keeps triggering my insecurity. Basically she use to go running with my partner and another guy before we got together, however my partner didn't exactly describe her in the best way from the start. He heavily implied she was flirty and said didn't have female friends as she tends to rub them up the wrong way. She spends all her weekends out with other guys, running, biking etc and she's married. He also told me she'd cheated on her husband.... So my image and idea of this women was not great.We have spoken about this and he understood, however she constantly likes his stuff, he doesn't say when he's seen her or speaks to her her but I often find out as someone else will mention it. He could be not saying because it means nothing and I completely believe nothing has ever gone on between them but he knows she makes me feel odd and now he gets annoyed when I get insecure. Am I wrong to feel like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): There's a very strong point that Honeypie made that you should seriously take into account:
"She is also ONLY hanging out with guys because she wants male attention. To be honest, a woman who CAN NOT or WILL NOT make female friends. She is the kind that thinks "I'm not like other women" (as in, I'm better!) And she really doesn't want the competition."
Keep in-mind there are women out there who can smell your insecurities or fear. They feed on the attention and lusts of the men who sniff around them; and enjoy being homewreckers, while they pick at the insecurities of their girlfriends or wives. She's the "Jolene" the country/pop artist Dolly Parton sings about. The song is based on a true event in her life; where a local sex-pot popular with the guys in her town was flirting with her husband early in their marriage. Every woman with a man has to face a "Jolene" sooner or later. Checkout the song, if you've never heard it before. Dolly is popular in the UK, I'm sure you have!
Sweetheart, be ever mindful of your mental-health. Don't hold-on to him if he insists on spending a lot of time with her; while knowing it really bothers you. By the same token, you have to have trust in your relationship in order for it to work. If he insists on making it too much of a challenge being with him; please do what's best for you. If he is spending too much of his time in her company; then he's not worthy of yours. Having a romantic-partner in your life is supposed to make you feel loved and cherished, not tense and insecure. Don't subject yourself to undue stress and worry over some tart; kick his bum to the curb before you allow him to cause you to have setbacks in your therapy. Your heart and feelings are not toys to be played with.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2021):
 Good for you for working on yourself. The fact that you don't rely on HIM to make you feel secure 24/7. THAT is your job.
So your BF has a slut for a female friend, well most women wouldn't be over the moon in that situation. And yes, I'm slut-shaming her because she is a married woman who chose to cheat.
She is also ONLY hanging out with guys because she wants male attention. To be honest, a woman who CAN NOT or WILL NOT make female friends. She is the kind that thinks "I'm not like other women" (as in, I'm better!) And she really doesn't want the competition.
You BF isn't interested in her sexually but she might be fun to hang out with. But things can be true.
He shouldn't have to "report" to you when they talk or see each other. But it can seem a bit shady if he sees her and "forgets" mentioning it to you. Maybe he thinks it could avoid drama?
I think if you TRUST him, don't LET her be the 3rd wheel in your head. Don't focus on her. SHE is irrelevant. And if you give her all this power and significance in your relationship, it will be YOU ruining things.
He doesn't OWE you to drop her, or not talk to her. He should perhaps on his own realize that maybe she isn't the kind of person he should surround himself with. BUT.. that is something HE has to decide on.
Make her a non-issue. Focus on what IS important, she isn't it. IF you trust him.
If he spends a lot of time with her, consider whether this is the right guy for you long term.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 July 2021):
 She sounds like she has the morals of an alley cat. While I can - sort of - understand why she makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is under any illusion about her character. If something was going to happen between them, it would have happened by now.
So she "likes" his stuff. Big deal. So he occasionally bumps into her. Another big deal. Personally I find women like her a bit sad and "desperate". You have to feel sorry for her poor husband. She obviously suffers from an external locus of identity, i.e. she measures her value by how she believes others see her. (The real shame is that others don't see her how she believes or would like them to see her.)
This reminds me of an incident which happened when I was out with my partner a few years ago and we bumped into a woman I had never previously met who proceeded to tell him, in a voice loud enough for all and sundry to hear, and completely blanking me, how much she had always fancied him when he was dating one of her neighbours and how he was welcome to come and see her any time he was in the area. My partner made light conversation, and then politely extricated himself from her grasp (she was holding his forearm by this stage, staring into his eyes) and we left. When we were far enough away for her not to hear me, I laughingly asked "What the f*** was that?" We both had a good laugh about the way she had totally ignored my presence, even though we were very obviously together. We have had a laugh about the incident a handful of times since then, but I have never, for one minute, felt a drop of anxiety about it. She may have wanted him all this time, but he is with me. I can't help if she fancies him. That's her problem, not mine.
Keep working with your therapist at building up your confidence. You've already come a long way. Don't let someone like that hinder your progress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2021): If you have low self-esteem, why do you think you're ready for a serious relationship with any man? He's going to know other women, and have to interact with other females. At work, and in passing.
Before you commit to being any guy's girlfriend; you have to fully understand all his close active-relationships with other women. If they're just old running-buddies, or have been there for ions; just make sure there's a clear understanding out there. He had better make it clear to all other non-related females in his life that he is taken. There are boundaries not to be crossed.
If he fails to make it known who you are, and what you mean to him; you dump him like a hot potato!!! There is no point on trying to cling to someone who doesn't reciprocate all you give.
If you're too desperate to have a man to stand-up for your principles and values; then you'll go through agony trying to whip him into shape. He's looking for a girlfriend, not a mother, or a life-coach. Besides, the frustration of trying to pick and choose his friends will take its toll on you. On the other hand, trying to quietly let him have his way in order to keep him, no matter what; will destroy you emotionally. Such relationships have a very short lifespan. Especially, when you have low self-esteem.
You don't commit to any man with the intention you're going to change him; or tell him who he can be friends with. If you don't like his circle of friends, or the crowd he hangs with; that's your cue to exit, and go your own way. You always have the option to find somebody already equipped with the character you like in a guy; and somebody who doesn't require a makeover. Judge him by the company he keeps. Good-guys have good friends. They don't associate with thugs, tramps, and jerks. If you find that he does, you've chosen the wrong-guy.
Guys too chummy with their exes, and those who keep ever-present flirtatious-women for friends make lousy boyfriends. You're old enough to have some discernment and judgement about what kind of guy is good for you, and which ones aren't. Why would anyone pick someone to trample on their frail self-esteem? That's totally illogical, and bordering on stupid! I'm not calling you stupid, sweetheart. I'm stressing a point.
You should have standards and set your boundaries; and have the backbone to stand behind them, as well as enforce them. Even be ready to kick him to the curb; if he's disrespectful of your feelings, and shows no regard for your relationship.
You didn't say this was the case, but if he's letting other women dump all over you; just to show you how much they disrespect your romantic-relationship with him. That means he's not watching your back as he should. Have a talk about it; but only if, or when, it happens. Don't make unfounded accusations; have evidence to back-up your concerns. Low self-esteem is an excuse, not a legitimate reason. That's a personal-issue you have to resolve within yourself.
Going to therapy is just going to therapy; if you're not exercising any effort, or self-control. A lot of people just sit in a therapist's office wasting their time and money. They walk-out unchanged, and never make any breakthroughs; because they're using their insecurities or anxieties as a convenient excuse, and a tool to manipulate the people around them. They like saying they're seeing a therapist; but if nothing ever changes, it's because they're not trying. Those born with mental-disorder, trauma-victims, and those suffering PTSD; usually require long-term mental-healthcare, and intensive-treatment. They're the exception. They still have to make a committed effort. They shouldn't attempt to be in romantic-relationships until they can handle them. Their health and wellbeing comes first.
If you've encountered trouble-makers in his life; consider the company he likes to keep. It doesn't reflect well on his character to run with lowlifes and sleazy people. If you're just jealous and insecure about all women in general; you aren't ready for any kind of romantic-relationship with anybody anyway. It's no particular woman, it would be any and all women who'll ever come near him. He doesn't have to dance around your jealousy and unmanaged-insecurity; and he'll likely be the one to show YOU the door instead! Regardless of seeking therapy; you're a rational-adult, and have to behave like one.
If you let desperation dictate why you'll keep a man; then you'll always have men walking all over you, and you'll have his pissy female-friends harping at your relationship to keep you uneasy. You can't make him stop hanging-out with this woman; but you can walkaway and find yourself a better man, who has better friends. As of yet, you have no evidence she's any threat. You're just paranoid due to your insecurity. Keep an eye on things. Evaluate the situation, and judge on solid-evidence. If you never feel easy, then you need time outside of a relationship to get yourself together. You're not ready for a relationship; because you'll need to take time-off from dating to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence. That's nobody's problem but yours, girlfriend!
Here's some bonus advice free of charge:
Sometimes women with low self-esteem need the validation and approval of men; and they are the type most likely to find one who takes advantage of her insecurities. You cannot really endure the challenges of a relationship when you're down on yourself, and dependent on a man to make you feel good about yourself. Self-esteem is homegrown and self-maintained. It can be self-repaired when it's damaged. It all depends on you, and loving yourself; before you expect love from others. Don't stick around people who target your self-esteem; and don't be so vulnerable that it's always exposed to attack. Maintaining your self-esteem should always be a lifelong work-in-progress; you don't depend on other people to take charge of it. That's dangerous. That's giving them full control over your emotions. You leave yourself open to psychological-abuse.
You don't go-out looking for other people to coddle your sensitivities, and dance around your insecurities. If you aren't as desirable as any other woman, why do you think he chose you to be his girlfriend? Why hasn't that occurred to you? Being insecure of other females only locks you in a cramped little box; unable to celebrate your life, and enjoy being a female. Love yourself for who you are, and how you are made. Know you're as beautiful as any other woman out there. Unbeknownst to you, there are ladies out there intimidated by you; and envious of your special qualities. He took notice of them, didn't he?
Girlfriend, get your act together; and know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. You have your own unique features and qualities. If a guy doesn't appreciate you for them; then keep searching, until you find someone who does. Be at-ease, until you have reason to feel threatened by the other female. Meanwhile, keep working on your self-esteem. Read everything you can get your hands on regarding self-confidence and self-esteem. Pray and ask God to help you to realize that He makes no mistakes in what or whom He creates. It's not conceited to have love for yourself; that's a way of giving God praise and thanks for creating you. It's only narcissistic when you reach the level of thinking you're god's gift. Small-case "g" intended.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2021): You are entitled to your feelings and they are valid. Nobody can tell you otherwise. If you feel insecure, you feel insecure. Anxiety is often not present without a trigger and this woman is a trigger. I can see why. She is a slut who hangs out with men only and sniffs around for side fucks when she has an opportunity. Why would you want your partner hanging around with a slut? I wouldn't either. Who can blame you for protecting your relationship? Has your partner cheated before or is he himself a flirt, that you think he would succumb to this slut's advances? Either way, even if he was Mr. Good Guy, this woman's presence would still be very disconcerting to any girlfriend or wife. She is a proven cheater. Women do not like her because she throws herself at their husbands most likely. She wreaks of insecurity. So don't for one moment think she has it together. Deep down, she needs male validation. That is sad.
Also, I am old school in my belief that men and women cannot be just friends. It is impossible. Especially with that type of a woman. Do you want her hanging around in the background, waiting for her to put the moves on your partner? I am not trying to make you feel more insecure. Just saying that you cannot be blamed for feeling anxious and insecure when there is a very real threat right in front of you.
How do you deal with it? You can get all the therapy you want. The insecurities will not disappear entirely. You will think you are okay and be cruising along until someone else triggers you. The triggers will always be there, and become something you must tolerate and face constantly. Not a way to live. I suggest you take a long, hard look at your boyfriend. What is it about him that creates your anxiety? Is the man you invest your future in the kind of a man who has female friends like THIS WOMAN? It seems to me he has lower standards than you do. Why would a decent guy hang around someone like this? Guilty by association? Only you can figure this out. If this woman make you that uncomfortable, maybe you need to tell him to stop associating with her. He does not need "friends" like this. And if he cannot or will not, you do not need the anxiety.
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