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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I am writing to because I hope to get advice from someone outside of my life, someone who doesn’t know anything about my situation.The reason for this is that to everyone I know - I am in 'the perfect relationship' and when I try to talk to anyone they just think I am being trivial compared to their problems.My partner and I have been together for 6 years this month, four of those years we have lived together.We are a very close couple and prefer to spend most of our time together. In actual fact, we are each others' best friends and as a result of this, have lost most of our other friends.People always say that we are the perfect couple and that I am lucky to be with such a wonderful man. To be honest, that comment often upsets me because I feel that people are saying I am lucky when I offer so much to the relationship and put in so much more effort than him - that in actual fact, I feel HE is the lucky one!Everything has been running along smoothly up to now and my partner speaks of our future (family, travel, etc) and us growing old together daily.As our 6-year anniversary is approaching, as is my 27th birthday, I feel that I am ready for our relationship to take the next step - Marriage. We have spoke of this before and he has always said that he would love to marry me and that it will happen one day.I feel that I need us to get engaged so I can know that he feels that way and that he is certain that I am the one. I feel it is time for us.Our discussions over the last couple of months have ended with me in tears and us in an argument (we never argue). Last night he broke down and said that he is not sure that I am the one.I couldn’t believe he said that because it is contrary to everything he has ever said and done. I know he feels pressured by me to get married but I don’t know what to do because now even more than ever, I need him to show me that he wants me forever. After we finished talking he told me that he knows that he loves me more than anything and he wants to be with me - he is just confused in himself because he doesn’t have a good job and he doesn’t know if he can offer me everything he should as a husband. I told him that I don’t care about anything other than being with him forever.I now feel like I don’t want to go home tonight, I feel lost because the one thing I have always counted on - the only person in my life - is questioning if he wants to be with me.I don’t know if he was trying to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me or not. I think he would be too scared to leave me because I am the only girl he has ever been with. I don’t know whether or not he wants me to leave him because that way he wont have to do it? Maybe he want to go and see if there is anything better out there before he settles down with me?Please give me your opinion as I feel lost and confused and have no one to talk to.Thankyou
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (20 July 2005):
 I am printing this out because you could have been me four years ago. So take the advice of jandj. I have been working on it myself still.
Realize that you could be me in four years, same questions and waiting for things to happen. Things don't happen unless people make them happen- either by force (jandj) or by will (ideal).
I have been slowly packing and purging my ten years of clutter, boxing things, finding storage, and have as a goal to move out by August 15th. I set the date on June 15th, now confessed it to another, and will live up to it so that at least, if he choses to live without me, I took control of my destiny and myself.
It sucks when you let the support of friends and family slip away of the promise of a future. However, if we learn from this, remind ourselves that we are a prize that must be earned (not given away), perhaps we can still have the future we dream of.
Hopefully, others will learn that cheap is easy. Ladies if I could convey one thing it is this. Living together DOES NOT WORK! All you do is test a relationship, usually till it breaks and if you do get married, you have practiced a habit of non-committment. A sure recipe for unhappiness. Listen to your moms. They are right when they say the maddening saying "Why by the cow when the milk is for free." Hold on to your milk- that or don't be a cow!
Think of me as I will you.
We are mentally sisters.
A
female
reader, jandj +, writes (20 July 2005):
Okay - now what I am about to say may seem rough and cold-hearted. But I feel that I can speak like this since I was in a marriage that I forced. I pressured my husband to marry me - I was young and in love and thought I was sure this is what I wanted. Five years and two children later, he left me because he decided he was cheated out of his youth and wanted to be a bachelor for a bit longer. This destroyed me, my dreams and my family. Now that I am older, I see that I wasn't ready for marriage I just wanted to be married and not alone and taken care of. In your situation, even though you two have been together for quite a long time, he doesnt seem to be ready and you seem to be too eager. You should worry more about his job and the future other than 'he is the one I want to be with forever'. Reality bites. Dealing with reality bites. In reality you have to push aside the forevers and the bull. Deal with his unhappiness in his job. For that job will support you two, make a home and pay the bills. Money is a BIG part of marriage. Money causes a multitude of stresses and can utlimately end a marriage.
If he is not sure he wants to be with you forever, let him go. Let him venture out and see what's out there. This saying sucks, but it's true "If you love something let it go. If it comes back its yours forever. If it doesnt, it never was yours"
If you pressure him into marriage he will end up resenting you. Its better for both of you NOW to see whats out there. You want to marry someone not that you can live with, but with whom you CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT. I know its hard to let go and be afraid that he may not come back. But wouldnt you want to know now - rather than 5 years down the road when your married and at home with a 3 year old and a 4 month old? Trust me, you want to know now.
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