A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:for 3 yrs i have lived with a man who constantly lies to me about his internet activities, i know he uses it as a way to meet to meet people because i have found this out on numerous occasions. he avoids our sex life as a way to punish me and openly tells me this, if i dont do things to please him in daily life why should he want to please me are his words. he insults me persitently by name calling, he has ruined all my relationships with close friends and family by also insulting them and while they try to remain in contact for my sake this is mostly done in secret now because of the backlash i get from him knowing, so please please tell me why cant i find the strength to walk away from this man. i feel immense sympathy for him thinking he will be alone forever if he doesnt have me, and when i have tried to end it i have been made to feel so bad that i cant see it thru. he has threatened suicide on many occasions and makes me feel like i am personally responsible for his happiness and wellbeing. i sometimes think he is only here controlling me for the home comforts i offer and the financial aspect (its my house and i earn more than him ). he is happy to stand back and let me pay for most things more often than not leaving his wallet at home, if i read this from sum1 else i would most certainly say get rid so why cant i take my own advice. as i write this he is currently staying with another woman he met online for time out he assures me he is on the sofa but also that she has made the offer to share her bed with him. I am barely allowed to spend time with my sisters or girlfriends becos of his jealousy yet i am supposed to tollerate this. i wouldnt be able to write this letter if he was here now as he watches over all my internet activities everytime i log on, hmmmm whats a girl to do :-(
View related questions:
jealous, met online, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angel1313 +, writes (8 April 2008):
I could have written this question myself!! I was in a very similar realtionship for over 10 years, lost contact with most of my friends, found myself agreeing with him when he was nasty about my family, getting further and further into debt by paying for everything, until one day I decided I couldnt take it anymore and I walked away. 1 week later he was with someone else!! My friends and family have been great. Dont worry about walking away and don't blame yourself for leaving him alone, it's him who has made this mess by treating you badly and you deserve better, trust me you'll find it!!
A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I am so glad you have only been with him for 3yrs, but thats no reason for the way he treats you. Well you know what take your own advice kick him out its your house, you don't need an idot like him, when he says he will kill himself he is emotionally blackmailing you and he knows it works, he knows how to make you stay, and you are right all he wants is someone to cook for him do all the work. Well i am sorry girlfriend you deserve better. The only reason why you won't leave him is because you are worried about him, well how do you think he lived without 3yr before you dated. Leave be strong, you know deep down you deserve better and you know you can leave, you just need to believe in yourself, and need to believe in a better life without him. A man that stops you seeing family and friends isn't worth the trouble. It going to be hard to walk away, but it will be a slap in the face once you leave, if he calls don't answer. Now that he has gone throw away all his things you know that he ant sleeping on the sofa go out with girlfriends and family and get this guy out of your hair.
Don't worry about him do what is best for you NOW before you regret it
good luck love nicole xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, wwwchrissy +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Get rid! Gotta wash that man right outta ya hair young lady. Well he isnt a man is he!!
...............................
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (26 February 2008):
 WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS LOSER????? If you believe that he sleeps on the sofa instead of sharing a bed with this woman' then I think you must be incredibly gullible.
Dump him and find a man who is willing to be exclusive to you and not demand DOUBLE STANDARDS. You are a grown woman not a naive little girl, get wise to this prick and send him on his way. KICK HIS SAD ASS OUT OF THE DOOR AND QUICK!!!!! Dusky xxx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): I feel sorry for you, not him....he is not going to commit suicide or be alone forever if you leave him he is emotionally blackmailing you and he is a classic abuser....if you have to call the authorities when you tell him to get out of your house and never contact you again then do so...change all of your locks, your phone number make it unlisted with instructions to everyone not to give it out especially to him...
You need to run as quickly as possible away from this man....I can't believe you have put up with this for three years let alone three months or even three minutes....you wasted enough of your heart and life on this miserable excuse for a man...he doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy he is a soicopath with no ability to care for anyone other than his own needs.....he will destroy what little self esteen and self reliablity you have if you don't leave him now, sooner than later, get some help for yourself after that...therapy to figure out what is not working in you that you would allow this to happen to you....you need to process this, and figure out how to chose better for yourself....take care, keep us posted and get this loser out of your life now!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): The only positive thing about this situation is that you have only had to put up with it for 3 years!
Honey, you are being abused by this man and he has made you doubt the obvious, you need to get as far away from him as possible. This is a typical textbook abusive relationship. He will destroy you. I would be very surprised and dissappointed if any one here tells you to continue with this man or even get couselling. I do not consider this would be in your best interests.
I would suggest that you gain some sort of assertiveness training or advice. KEEP VERY CLOSE CONTACT WITH YOUR FAMILY. Most abusers will try to distance you from your friends and family to gain the control. He has already done that. You must be more in contact now with your family and not less. If it causes a row, so be it. I am hoping he is not violent? Can you let us know. He seems to be abusive in most other ways, so is that a possibility?
But you have to see that this is a time now for you to make a decision for yourself and future. He will not improve and more likely deteriorate further with his control over you. All his activety on the internet, meeting friends etc is total crap. He is playing you. Leave your wallet behind, making sure you have a couple of bucks in your shoe for emergencies, and let him tell the waiter or whatever he left his money behind. Start showing him up with his inadequecies, this advice is based on a sensible decision on his reactions, don't put yourself in harm. He is a bully and user and it is totally obvious to us. Your relationship with him is based on his control over you. That is his buzz. He feels dominent and powerful, when you upset him he gets shitty because you have not behaved. So you will continue to do things to please, so he starts to treat you better. Unfortunately when you get something right, he will find fault or throw something in you face to disrupt your confidence again.
Honestly, you must get out of this relationship. I really feel it in my gut for you. Start opening your eyes and read what you have told us about him.
His threats in my opinion are again, control. If he ends up living a life alone, and not hurting and abusing people, then that is probably what's best for everyone. For goodness sakes DON'T fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him. Feel sorry for all the people he has been horrible to, including yourself.
There will be millions of resources on leaving an abusive relationship and identifying if your in one. You need to research the best way for you to understand and see what is happening to you and what actions you should take.
If you want my opinion, you only have one option and that is to break free and start a new positive and happy life.
Good luck honey and be sensible and careful with this man.
xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 February 2008):
 This smacks of manipulation. If he tops himself because you split with him, thats not your fault.
If he is spending the night with someone he's met on the net, and spends a lot of time chatting to all n sundry on it, why do you feel guilty that he wont get someone else?
Are you sure that deep down you're not using that as an excuse to stay with him because you love him?
He's blatently using you, and i dont doubt for a minute that he would be gone like a shot if it works out with this woman he's spending his time with. Or someone else he meets on line. Thats what it looks like from what you have written anyway.
Sleeping on her sofa????? What a crock of sh.......
He's a user.
C xxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WITH HIM???
You certainly dont deserve to be treat like this, so why are you letting yourself be a doormat? You even know the answer to this yourself. He is controlling and yet you still let him away with it. He is staying with another woman right now and he doesnt like you spending time with your family or friends. Can i come over there and give you a massive kick up the arse!??? Please wake up, smell the bad coffee and throw it in the bin. sorry, but you do deserve better and shouldnt put up with this crap for no one.
take care
xx
...............................
|
