A
female
age
51-59,
*el I
writes:I feel I’m not good enough for my husband no matter what. If we go the beach like we did tonight and a woman as s bikini or costume on he will look. She could be over weight even not much to look at but he will keep doing it. Tells me I’ve got it wrong, he doesn’t look and only looking at me but I know it’s just a lie. His head moves to where they are and he will even look twice sometimes like once isn’t enough.I only look once at men if they look nice not like him looking again. He as said he loves me and me only and thinks I’m sexy so why does he do what he does. I know you see more women wearing short skirts, dresses, etc showing more flesh but it’s not like he’s been on a desert island and never seen a women before. He’s been with a few but I have been the longest so do you think he is fed up of my body that’s why he looks so much when he sees another woman’s body? He as saw loads of porn as well and got off to it so what’s wrong with him. Is he a dirty old pervert because he’s 54 and middle age and wants a new body to touch, it’s doing my head in and getting me so down and he will deny he goes and he says it’s one of my fantasies. Could he be doing it to get me jealous because he’s know I’m insecure and suffer with anxiety so plays on it.
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (10 August 2021):
 Men do look at other women, that doesnt mean they want them, i just dont think they can help it. When my hubby is driving the car on occasion ive seen his head turn, i just say jokingly if shes blond ! Right thats it, im going blond!' On another occasion i said outloud on a beach, He looks nice, oh did i say that outloud'. So a bit of humour there is like a bit of I know your looking, so Im getting my own back. Hes not going anywhere the silly old man, who else woukd rub his back like i do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Think about it. How can you be on the beach or out in public without watching people? I can't always help what catches my eye; and I assure you, I don't want to boink everything I see! Your husband can't be such an insatiable-pig he lusts after Lottie, Dotty, and everybody!
You are a dignified mature-female, in the prime of her life; and at the peak of her sexuality. As we (men or women) age, we all get a little self-conscious; and worried if we still attract our partners. Men look, and it's because we are visual-creatures. If we are married, we shouldn't lust or covet after other people; but you can't always help what your eyes see. If it's odd or strange, it's a natural reflex to make a double-take!
I think his watching porn has caused your angst and insecurity; and that's often the case for married-women whose husband's indulge. Some don't care, and most seem to care a lot; if you judge by the number of women who write to DC to complain about it. You can ask him to stop watching it; but it depends on the man, and how much he values his marriage whether he will or not.
Your self-esteem can't be dependent entirely on the validation of others.
Humankind will always disappoint you. How long he looks at a total stranger, or makes double-takes are nonconsequential; because these are random strangers going about their own business.
If you are constantly monitoring what you think he's watching and lusting for; don't forget that you can't read his mind! Of course, you can't help but think the worse; but you're also jumping to conclusions based on suspicion and your insecurity. Never base your self-worth and desirability entirely on what "he" thinks. If you've been together for years; it's normal to grow used to each-other. It doesn't mean you love each-other any less! My dear, you can't depend on other humans to uphold your self-worth and to maintain your self-confidence. BTW, he isn't so hot that he can get any woman he looks at! Not every woman can see what you see in your man! Wasting all your sensibilities and feelings on how he uses (or abuses) his eyesight is going to drive you nuts!
When husbands are confirmed-cheaters, incurably neglectful, or addicted to porn; you have the option to insist on going to counseling together...and/or having him seek therapy. You might give him a chance to correct his behavior as a final ultimatum. If nothing changes, or he gets worse; the cure for that is divorce. Enough is enough. No need to suffer about it.
There is absolutely no sense in spending the rest of your life trying to control the mind and eyesight of a man with his head on a swivel; or a greedy appetite for porn. If counseling and prayer won't fix-it; then do what's best for you. Mind-control isn't a feasible option. If he can't control himself, it's up to you if you still want to keep him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2021): I wouldnt worry about it. We are all curious about other people and stare at people from time to time. We do it without even realising. He is married to you. Has he ever given you reason to think he has been unfaithful?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (24 July 2021):
 At the end of the day he is married to you, and i'm guessing you have been married for a good number of years.
By his own admission he already tells you he loves you, and you only, and that he thinks your sexy.
Sometimes in situations like you are describing its hard to know where to look, so you just look. It would look rather silly if he looked once then looked away as fast as he could, or looked up at the sky in an awkward fashion.
As long as his is not salivating from the mouth, and saying corr look at that then i don't think this is a huge problem to be honest.
He is there with you, with the woman he loves, he is not there with strangers from the beach.
If you catch him over looking, just jokinly tell him, " oi put your eyes back in "
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