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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Does anyone else have adult siblings that are just awkward and unreasonable?Is it just me or do I have the worst, most inconsiderate family going?! My parents are both pensioners and could do with a bit of peace and quiet in their old age. Yet all my siblings are totally inconsiderate and self obsessed. First there is my brother who is always grumpy, untidy, obnoxious, awkward and conveniently always 'forgets' his wallet whenever there is a family function expecting my parents or one of us to pay for him, Then there is my sister who is always money grabbing and selfish and will slyly only do things for someone else if they are rich and she can be rewarded in some way.On top of this, they think nothing of descending on my parents for a few days (as they both live a couple of hours away) whilst my parents cook, clean and change the sheets for them. I do offer to put them up from time to time - but no - they prefer to go straight home to mum and dads, where they can put their feet up and lounge around.My mum always blames my dad for their behaviour, when they are on their own, yet she always defends them when they are around, telling me to mind my own business if I say anything.So as you can see - The whole family can be infuriating!! To make things worse - none of us siblings are really that close to each other - as we only see each other at birthdays, Xmas etc - so talking about it with each other is out of the question.Does anyone else have family problems like this in adulthood?! I honestly thought they would mature in adulthood - but no!I really wish I had better siblings. What can be done?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): OP here. Thanks Female anon - At least I am not the only one going through this. My brother is definitely a narcissist. He talks only about himself and his achievements and yes can manipulate my parents as he knows they will always be there for him no matter what. My sister probably has a little more empathy - but not much for if she sees an opportunity that she can benefit financially from - she will take it.
Yes I guess all we can do is be there for our parents - but I dread the day they are not around as I know my siblings will be toxic and just out then for what they can get.
Thanks. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Same situation right here. I actually chose to be childfree for this exact reason. I have watched my only sibling drain the finances & suck the emotional life out of my parents. Christmas is a horrible day for you too, I take it?
I'll be brutally honest & say it sounds like your sister & brother are narcissists. They're not really capable of compassion for others. Relationships are always one-sided. Emotional leaches that drain the life & money from those around them.
They are toxic people that are incapable of changing & reflecting on their own behavior. I spent years hoping my sister would wake up one day & realize what she's done to my parents - what she's cost them. She never will. I've been to therapy to deal with HER issues. She will never seek help for herself. She blames everyone else for her problems.
They are always just going through "a rough patch", or "having a hard time", or "just a little low in finances right now". Your parents are in a certain level of denial & will try to tell themselves things will get better, if they just help them with...
They manipulate parents, like yours & mine, because they know they love them & will always try to help. It's horrible to be the (normal) sibling, with a conscience, & watch all this happen - watch your parents be walked all over.. try to warn them.. & it gets you nowhere. You feel helpless & absolutely FRUSTRATED in the situation.
It's taken me many years to accept I can do little to change things. Your mum turns on your dad & throws him under the bus, just like mine does. Your brother & sister are toxic & they make the dynamic in your family toxic. Your parents, I'm sure, are good people. They just can't step back & see the situation the same way you can.
I would cut your siblings out of your life as much as you possibly can! Speak to them when you have to i.e. Christmas etc, to ease tensions for your parents' sake etc.. but I wouldn't offer your siblings any money or stays at your place. Look after yourself.
You can't save your parents from the situation. It even pains me to type. I've tried for so many years. Just love your parents, allow them to talk to you about their feelings & just be supportive. They won't always be around, so I would do your best to maintain a healthy relationship with them, which will bring happiness & love to their lives that they can't get from their other siblings. I have almost nothing to do with my sister & I swallow my pride every Christmas & play happy families for my parents' sake. I hate it, but I do it for them.
The above is what I've been through, what I've learnt & how I cope. I hope it all helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 July 2021):
 What can be done?
Nothing, OP
Sorry, your parents and sibling have a routine that spans YEARS of habits. Whether it's the bickering or the taking advantage of situations.
This is who they are. YOU can not change them.
I'd say it's probably for the best that you only see your sibling a few times a year.
"My mum always blames my dad for their behaviour, when they are on their own, yet she always defends them when they are around, telling me to mind my own business if I say anything."
With this, I think your mom is just venting, so when you "try" to fix it or tell your mom what you think she should do, she gets upset.
So Personally? I would just stay out of it.
Kids (Adult kids) coming home for a few days to be pampered by mommy seems very immature but also like they have a bond where they enjoy this? Even with the bickering?
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