A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago I met a man whom I fell in love with. We started seeing each other until I found out he was actually married with children (his wife read his messages and contacted me). I was devastated and things ended right there. Since we live close to each other, we sometimes see each other and frequent the same places from time to time. The attraction between us is mutual and to cut a long story short, we started sleeping together 2 months ago. I know I'm doing the wrong thing so I'm not looking for any moral advice. He says he cares about me but obviously he does not as he is still with his wife (and maybe some other women as well) and he stated he has no intention of leaving his wife (his kids are still very young).I tried to keep him as a friend with benefits and try to be casual about it but I can't help caring about him. We hardly ever text each other and we only meet twice or so monthly due to our busy roster schedule (we work for an airline with different shifts/timings. Yet, I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel I'm addicted to having him with me, even though he proved to be a liar and a cheater. How can I snap myself out of this? Two years have gone by and I'm still in the same trap. I tried dating other guys but it hasn't worked out. My friends have given up on trying to get me out of this situation with him as I always end up in his arms again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): What a waste. You are wasting your life and being made a fool; a glorified prostitute only you aren't even being paid. You indeed are addicted. Sign up for counseling. Maybe someone neutral can figure out your head and help you stop this demeaning relationship that will never have a future. Do you honestly want to wake up one day at 45 and see your youth has been wasted on this guy, who is still married to his wife? He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. He's only in it for the free sex you are giving out at the price of your own life. You could be with a man who is committed to you and only you. But you obviously don't feel you deserve that. So keep on taking that heroine drug until your whole life is spent and gone.
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (15 August 2013):
 You're clearly not hurt enough yet. And your addiction comes from a hormone called oxytosen- a powerful hormone that bonds a woman to a man or a baby she breast feeds. It is released by : giving birth/ stimulating breasts / having an orgasm.Being rejected, realising your relatipnship was a lie made you feel sexually invalidated. You are trying to get back what was stolen. Yoy are chasing after the wind.I am sorry you were betrayed. You deserved so much better than to be the "other woman" when u gave your heart but he did this not because there is something wrong with you but because there is something very wrong with him.Do not define urself by this. If you wanted it you would not have posted this.I know it feels like dating other guys is like visiting where-as dating him is like comming home- but it is a lie, an illusion perpetuated by oxytossen, the fact thar sex clouds our judgement, the fact that he stole your reality and suddenly it ws like " Really? Now I have to not like him? That's what this relarionship added up to?"This story inevitably ends up unhappily for you. Worse case scenario you end up married to a man knowing first hand just how unfaithful he can be. Pain is inevitable- you do not have a choice whether or not you are getting burned in this one but you DO have a choice about whose terms you are getting hurt on.When you finally make the decision to get out of this, recognising the hold this man had on you and not underestmating it, you are gonna take steps to get him out and avoid him like a recovering alchoholic avoids barsTell his wifeSwitch jobs/ companies....Get hobbiesCryYearnmiss the bastard but DONT give in.When you are ready.Only you can make that decision. Until then, this man is humiliating and undermining you with your permission.You are better than that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I'm glad you seem to realize now what's going on now with you and this guy. Your relationship with him is completely destructive, and it is ruining your life little by little. You are his occasional side dish, not his daily main course. At some point, he will just leave you behind (although its not like he is devoting a lot of time to thinking and caring about you, anyway). When he does drop you completely, he will have his family to go back to. You will have no one. You need to end this immediately.
Others might disagree, but I don't think you should be the one to tell his wife. I wouldn't make any more trouble than you already have, especially as there are children involved. Just walk away from this.
What you should do is definitely go cold turkey in terms of the physical relationship. Don't sleep with this man ANY LONGER. If you have the willpower to be in his presence and not sleep with him, great, fine. But I honestly don't think you do. I suspect you will need to go cold turkey from him FULL STOP.
Most importantly, stop using the word "love" in relation to him. Convince yourself that you do not love this man. Think whatever negative thoughts are necessary about this man in order to free yourself of this false "love". HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Not in the slightest, despite whatever facade he puts up around you to snare his two nights a month of bedroom time with you. You need to move on emotionally, not just physically.
Free up your heart so that you can love someone else, someone who appreciates you and doesn't just see you as a physical object.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): I am the original poster of this question. Thanks for all the replies. I agree with each and every one of you. I know I have a problem and that is my addiction and obsession towards this liar who treats me as nothing more than a piece on the side. I love him but I know I deserve better. Should I go cold turkey? and ignore him when eventually I see him? Or write him a message and leave it at that? Telling his wife about us will only create problems so I don't want to go there.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 No moral judgements from me.... but let's see if we can figure out what is so enticing about a man who is using you for sex...
WHAT do you WANT from ANY relationship.. if it's just casual itch scratching (sex) now and again... there is your answer why you stay with him.
do you dream of a day he will leave his wife and children?
if yes... well that's not going to happen... ever. it's not about the kids being young... so that's not a valid reason for staying with him... he will milk that till they make him a grandpa and then it will be because the grandkids are too young.... there will ALWAYS be an excuse as to why he cannot leave the wife and kids for you.
he may even find another woman he is willing to leave his family for.. and then he will leave you in the dust as well and you will be here asking why... and the answer will be "he's just not into you and is only using you for what you give him... sex" is this what you want?
are you afraid of a commitment?
if so then he's PERFECT for what you want... and nothing we say can or will sway you.
Do you imagine what you would feel like if a man you love and trusted cheated on you?
no? why not? do you not care how others view you? do you not care about karma? if so... carry on as you are...
if however you believe in karma then remember what goes around comes around. One day when you get hurt in a similar fashion you have no need to question why it happened... you will know..
I think that some personal therapy is in order to figure out why you feel you are only worth another woman's sloppy seconds.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2013):
 You already know the moral aspect of this, so what do you usually do when you are uncontrollably engaging in very self-destructive behavior?
You GET HELP! Talk to his wife and let her know he's still betraying her. You talk to a therapist or counselor in regards to your uncontrollable compulsive and obsessive behavior towards him.
You're destroying your life for this waste of space who I guarantee doesn't have the obsessive feelings you have for him. Instead, he's exploiting your feelings so he can use you as a penis holder on occasion. Your looks will not last, as age catches up with all of us. Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone?
Get help, and get it now. And contact his wife so she can throw a wrench into his ability to use you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): You know what you should do, but your not willing to listen.
Your friends have given up on trying to get you out of the situation because you keep coming back for him.
If that is your attitude, no one can really help you but yourself. Some aunts here are mean when it comes to giving advises, and in your case I will not be surprise if you get a destructive advise.
Its not healthy and I know that you are already in pain.
what you should do?
Follow what your brain tells you what to do.
Imagine yourself as his wife. How would you feel?
That man is just into fun but NOT INTO YOU.
Anything that makes a guy unavailable for you only proves and validate the sentence His Just into you. Remember Free sex, fun for him and after a month or so he will forget about you and will eventually ALWAYS CHOOSE His WIFE and children.
Don't assume his in love with you. Because his not.
He enjoys your company, free sex, no pressure, no commitment adventure with you. But at the end of the day, He will still sleep with his wife at night and his children.
And you,will just be given stolen moments.
Once his wife ask him to leave you, and avoid you he will disappear from you in a blink of an eye.
I hope that's enough reason for you to really get turn off, back off and give up from him.
Your attitude should be I don't wanna be no.2 or No 1
I am worthy to be the only one. So leave and forget him ASAP. and find yourself a single guy who will give you all of his love and time.
When it comes to loving a man, sharing is not an exemption.
Set a high standard for yourself so you wont get hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): Any advice given to you is moral advice, if your dilemma includes a married man with children. You know it is wrong. He doesn't intend to leave his family; so you really have no choice.
You are correct about the addiction to him. That takes time for the mind to detach. There is a chemical bonding in the brain; because the hormone dopamine is released when you're with someone you care about. The connection becomes a habit over time. The withdrawal is almost like trying to quit an addictive drug cold-turkey.
Circumstances already show you that clinging on is futile.
You have the power to convince your mind. You don't want to let go; because you want to hold on to the hope that you'll get him back. You'll even try to coax him into cheating, or doing things you know would be wrong; just to get a fix.
Don't tell us not to give you moral advice. Then don't ask for advice at all.
Realize this man is cheating on the woman he made vows to, and he is betraying her trust.
He has children who need him to complete their family. You made a mistake, it was innocent at first. You continued; even once you knew better.
You were once following your heart. That was before you knew the truth. Now you know the truth, and you're thinking with your vagina. That's where is it wrong.
All you can do is fight the feelings. That's what is right, and that is your only choice.
If you want to drag your heart across the pavement, that's your business. You'll feel better sooner; when you decide to move on and let other men come into your life.
He lied to you and he played with you like a toy. He abandoned you when he finished using you for sex. He refuses to change his life. So he has washed his hands of you.
If you attempt to seduce him; it would not be for love, it would be out of lust. Things changed the day you discovered he was a married family-man.
You'll feel better when you want to. No one is hurting you now, but your needy greedy heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): You're infatuated with a liar and a cheater- like you said. Do you often get a bit obsessed with men or relationships? Stop giving in to this irrational need that you NEED him- you don't, you need to get over him as he is a LIAR, CHATER and after however many women, you're the sloppy seconds, or thirds, forths... I saw a man for a while, he wasn't married or anything but he treated me like absolute cr** I was very distressed and distraught and i did some desperate embarrassing stuff. And you know what a decent bloke would have shown compassion he would have because he knew i had problems and dont like to admit it but i was suicidal. Was he there for me, no he dismissed and ignored me. he messaged my friend behind my back, he lied, exaggerated, and then some. And ya know about a month ago, after pining for this loser for at least 2 years my friend really showed me what an utter tw** this guy is- how he treats others. I'm a compassionate person and it hit me like a tidal wave- would I treat someone the way he treats others?? NO I wouldn't. And why would I want to BE with someone who treats others like this? There are billions of people put there and you need to cut the cord with this one. Maybe send him an angry and heartfelt message, just for closure then DOMT contact him again. The more you run after him, the less time Hes gunna have for you, excluding the time spent using you as his bit on the side. This guy does not deserve your emotion and you need to get closure and tell yourself that you DOMT deserve this- and neither does his WIFE, or any of the others. Why right has he got to break all these hearts?? Sorry and good luck xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): You are telling are telling me you can't find an equally attractive man who isn't married and will sleep with you more than twice a month??C'mon, honestly. Get a grip on yourself. Overlooking that you are complicit in this man's cheating, don't you deserve more than the crumbs this guy gives you has after he is done spending most of his time with his wife and family?You say you have tried to date others, but have you really given it a chance? How many did you date? There are many men out there. But perhaps you wanted those dates to fail, so that you could run back to this cheater, in the hopes that he might leave his family for you? Let me tell you this now, so we can erase any illusions: he will never leave them for you. Sorry, but search your heart and use your head -- it's true.This man is terrible. He obviously has no love for you. He is toying with you. Inside his head, he probably thinks you are naive and that you have been an easy target. You might be shaking your head no, but honestly, how do you really know what he is thinking? In his head, there is one word floating around: SEX. If you are on his mind, it is only in combination with this three-letter word.Find yourself a guy -- YOUR GUY, not someone else's bloke -- and do all those normal things that people cherish: cooking each other dinner, going to the movies, having dinner dates with other couples, getting married, having kids, growing old together. Be the central object of a man's desire, rather than a toy for him to take advantage of for an evening before going back to his family, where his heart really is.You are in your 30s. Do yourself a favour. Don't waste the waning years of your youth on two nights a month of being some jerk's afterthought. Don't wake up at 50 regretting the time you wasted on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): You're playing with fire. What do you think his wife will do when she finds out again (and she will), you're putting yourself in a very dangerous situation. Plus do you want to be known as a home wrecker or have friends not want their husbands around you. You need to think more of yourself & know you are better than this.
As you said he is a liar and cheat who is married & has kids. No one wins in these kinds of situations. You will never have the life you want. Like any addiction you cut it off completely. You'll feel better about yourself and you will get over him.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (14 August 2013):
 It appears you are chasing something which you cannot have and that I guess can be quite addictive. You are aware that you lack moral fibre and I believe this scenario is more about what you lack, because if you were a grounded person you would not be doing this. What if his wife finds out yet again? What if she comes knocking at your door to try and sort things out? I've had married men come on to me in my past but because I am grounded, I wouldn't even entertain the idea, and one of them was your typical alpha male, very handsome and educated. But he was MARRIED, so I didn't go there. Perhaps you need counselling to work out why you dish out, and accept, poor behaviour. Let's be clear, he doesn't care for you, he is a lying, cheating, adulterer who only cares about the free sex he gets from willing participants. You are creating a bad life for yourself, one in which you are not free to meet the man of your dreams, because you have bought in to a big fat lie. I have a friend who would regularly date married men, and she was incredibly beautiful, so they fell for her hook, line and sinker and would often leave their wives for her. As soon as she had them, she no longer wanted them and they crawled back to their wives with their tail between their legs. I'm not sure if all the wives agreeingly took them back. I believe these scenarios were born out of her seeing her Dad making out with the cleaner when she was younger, and it had messed her up. Tweak your moral compass and sail off to happier lands without this married twat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): It will take time, but one day it will hit you.When the merry go round gets old. When you get tired of being the other women. When you realise you only get the little scraps of his time. When at special occassions he can't join you. When it gets old telling people there is nobody, when there "sort of" is, but not really. When at family gatherings others have their special man and children, and you have? Mr Married who is unavailable.It's a sorry existence, and although it may be fun, exciting, thrilling, passionate and all those things, it's because it's forbidden, and that fruit may taste sweeter for a while, but not long term. You will get tired of this merry go round.When will you realise it? When you feel enough is enough, that you deserve much better. You deserve someone who loves only you. Who is true to you, not a liar and cheat. No amount of sex is worth it.Don't let fear of being alone, or never finding your soul mate, or thinking he is the one, if only it was a different lifetime ago, etc. it won't change it. No amount of what if will change it. As you said, you don't want to be judged, but it is wrong, especially now that you know. Even that won't get you to stop, and even realising you don't want to be treated like that one day, you still won't be able to stop.What will make you stop it?1) Realise he loves his wife too, is probably saying the same words to her. Even though he may say he doesn't, where is the proof. Sometimes they say their wife has a "heart of gold" yet how do they reward that wife? by cheating on her golden heart. Others say, "woe to me, my wife is so bad, or this or that" but it may or may not be true, but if he is a good man, he will get himself out of that, before he even considers getting involved with another woman.2) Realise he probably still has sex with his wife too. Yes, it's true! how do you think the "little children" he currently has came from? Not from divine intervention, that is for sure ;-) so... you are not the only woman he is having orgasms with, and saying he loves you.3) Why be in this situation? Fear? Loneliness? Habit? Excitement, though temporary?Let me give you a different perspective - a different scenario you could have:One day, you WILL finally meet someone, who is SINGLE, and is honest about it. Who pursues you, and lets you know his intentions, and declares his love, and he means it. He will be ALL YOURS, and be true to you, as you will want to be true to him. You will have ALL his free time, not the scraps. You will have amazing sex because you know he is all yours. You will feel love like never before, because you know it's the real thing.Now do you still want to stay in this temporary lousy situation?I wish better for you... good luck, be strong, cut off all ties, don't let him devalue you, rise above it, and wait for Mr Right, not Mr Right Now who is not yours.xoxo
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