A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:hi...I am really a lost soul at the moment...I come from a Muslim family. My mom is moderate-liberal Muslim and my dad is relatively conservative. So I've been brought up with conflicting views... Anyways, so I'm at uni and I feel too conservative for non-muslims, but too liberal for the muslims... I'm so confused and lost...I'm not fair or skinny and I feel as if i'll never find a Muslim boy who will love me or want to marry me because of this, as well as the fact that I am loud and opinionated...My mum and dad also say I turn people off with my personality and that to get someone to love me, I must stop being so loud and boisterous and talkative... Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): So your a loud mouth and opiniated, So am I, nothing to worry about, I am sure you will have no trouble finding like minded people. You are not skinny or fair, neither am I, so what! Just enjoy your time at university and the friends you make and in time the right guy will come along, if he likes you and your attitude he will stay if he thinks your attitude is way out of his thinking zone, he'll go, that's life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Sageoldguy1465, perhaps my question was phrased incorrectly which caused you to misunderstand in which case I apologise. But, in response, believing in a religion doesn't make everything fine and dandy.. My religion is not causing problems for me as you put it, for a religion is merely scriptures and sayings without interpretation. I do believe that yes, society has found a way to distort religion, but my question here was not about me fighting against my religion, but more on how to cope with the challenges that come with it and general life. Life is hard, yet you still continue living, right? So if it's the same with religion, why would I consider giving it up? (In short, please can we not have any religion-bashing answers as they are both offensive and unnecessary) Thanks though.
@sugarplum786, thank-you so much... I am considering getting more involved with community outreach projects. I understand the part about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, I'm just really frustrated that whilst everyone seems to be getting their start on a happily ever after, I'm the ugly stepsister...
@Euphoric29, your words really did make a difference, so thank-you sincerely. I am now in my second year at university and I guess that I am a little overwhelmed and I still feel as if I haven't found my place in the world. With regards to my looks, I've never had the chance to think of myself as beautiful in any way because people in my family and friends were always taller/skinnier/fairer and unfortunately the Muslim community in South Africa really does place a lot of emphasis on being fair...
Also, I feel as if guys go for girls who are quiet and demure rather than loud, opinionated and feisty... I've tried changing, but I always seem to go in a circle and end up right where I started... But thank-you so much, i will invest a lot of thought in your advice.
@llifton, your story brought a smile to my face to know that there are others who have also tread this path to finding themselves..
You know, I would be open to marrying a non-Muslim, I don't think that is an issue... I just feel as if then we are going to be in a constant battle over whose religion takes preference, and will i ever find someone who understands that while, yes, i am liberal in some ways, I am NOT agnostic or apathetic? I try to respect my religion because I accept my own interpretations of it, even when it gets hard and I am confused and in despair because it seems that my life is at a stalemate..
My problem is finding someone who understands that and thinks along similar lines... And as I said above, fairness is unfortunately a major component of what a suitable Muslim female spouse should have in her beauty bank... Shallow, yes. But before anyone knocks the religion, this is merely what people have come up with along the way, rather than a direct reflection of the religion itself.
@Denise32, thank-you for your response. Lol, I am loud and opinionated, but I am not rude. Often I will be sarcastic with a smile and apparently this will lead to people not liking me. But I will never disregard anyone's opinion. nor interrupt a conversation to weigh in on it. I am merely loud and boisterous and feisty. Will this still be a turn off?
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (31 January 2014):
 Hi, what you need to do is join a social club. A friend of mine who has struggled to meet someone has joined a social club, where they get together and do things like mountain climbing, social events etc. This allows you the opportunity to meet people also when the time is right you will meet someone, just don't go out there and say I am going to meet someone to marry. She actually joined for that reason and now enjoys the opportunity to socialise and meet people.
Every woman is beautiful in the eyes of the man that falls for her. SO don't sell yourself short that you are not fair and skinny.
Being a Muslim, I have found comfort in my prayers and believe, its not just a religion its a way of life and it test your faith and conviction. Don't despair and also remember if nothing else works its our faith that gets us through.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (31 January 2014):
Dear OP,
Are you new at uni? Because if you are, it's natural to feel awkward and as if you don't fit in, sometimes. Maybe all you need is some patience and faith.
It will take time for you to find out how conservative or liberal you are. And what kind of people you want to have as friends. So, try to meet new people and see where you feel comfortable. Also, try to get along with both of your parents, but accept that when you are grown up, you need to find your own way.
You sound very pessimistic about your chances to find a boyfriend, because of your looks and character. Yet, what you don't like about yourself might also become a strength and virtue over time. If you are not fair and skinny, maybe you have a beautiful darker tone of skin and you will come to like your curves. To be loud and opinionated is not always a bad thing, only if it's not balanced with an ability to listen to others and accept their point of view as well. This is also something you can learn, to say your opinion in the right time and place. I am sure you're not always loud and boisterous, there are probably some situations that provoke you. If you find out about what makes you get too loud, you can work on a more adequate way to say what you want.
Don't only look at your weaknesses and problems. You are a young woman and still learning so many things. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, nobody is. Just improve little things that you feel need improvement, but also be proud of your strengths and good qualities.
Wish you good luck!
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 Being Muslim is very much a religion. It's very similar to that of Christianity, in fact.
That being said, I am dating a woman from Saudi Arabia. Wow, a gay Arab woman! Holy crap! Lol.
Anyway, she came to the US in 2008. Her dad is a southern Baptist white man and her mom is a Muslim Saudi woman. That being said, she shares a lot of traits from both cultures, somewhat like you experience. When she is here in the US, she is opinionated and speaks freely. However, when she goes to Saudi, she expresses some of the issues you're expressing. She feels she doesn't belong and can't be her natural self. She can't speak up and state her opinions. Granted, she's not searching for a Saudi man to make her a wife, but she still feels out of place.
She has found it hard to embrace two very different cultures, almost in the same way you feel it difficult to embrace which personality to fall into. Realistically, do you have to marry a Muslim? My gf's Saudi mother married a white christian man. Perhaps someone outside of your faith might suit your personality a bit better. However, you may also find men who share the beliefs of my gf - she doesn't fall into any specific category. It's possible to find a Muslim man who is like you and wants a woman like you.
Best of luck. You will find someone. just keep being true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (31 January 2014):
 I think Sageoldguy makes a good point.
Having said that, I don't think it's necessarily your religion that's messing up your life.
You say you are loud and opinionated and your parents have pointed this out as a turn off for people. They have a good point.
What I'm saying is this: if you are apt to interrupt others conversations with opinionated, loud comments - then yes, that IS a turnoff. I would find it so, certainly.
You might want to do some soul-searching re being too conservative for non-Muslims and too liberal for Muslims.
The thing is, people (whether of the same religion as you or not) need to be able to respect you and show tolerance for your ideas - even if they don't agree. It IS possible to POLITELY tell someone "you" think they are wrong.
What is NOT acceptable is to verbally bash someone over the head (so to speak - I DON'T mean knock them on the head literally!!)
Anyone who puts you down with nasty, blaming comments is not worth bothering with! And if YOU are the one doing the blaming and put-downs, then YOU need to rethink your attitudes and behavior!
I wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): ok..as a muslim fellow.. i can tell you that it will be always the same..specially here in America. You can maybe join a group that share same views or ways of thinking then you wont feel that way. Look for people with similar values. Dont force yourself to intent quit religion just because you feel you dont "fit".
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 January 2014):
 I love "religion" questions, because they give me an opportunity to get up on my soap-box and ask a question like this: IF your "religion" is making such a mess of your life... and causing such angst for you.... how much of a "religion" is it????
Don't let "religion" be your guiding compass through life... Instead, make the best life you can.... for yourself,... by yourself... with people that you like and like to spend time with...
Good luck...
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