A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I have the misfortune of loving a 55 year old woman who was traumatically, emotionally abused in a 30 year long marriage, until she became so frightened of him she managed to leave and divorce him. She is now divorced for 3 years. She was also emotionally abuse in grade school. They called her titty, and emotionally abused throughout high school. She has befriended another man last May. She met him in a parking lot. He is a part time valet) and they immediately, connected and befriended each other. He has MS, No or very few friends. She told me his friends abandoned him when he was diagnosed with the MS 1 1/2 yrs. ago. And he has a rather 'problematic life.' She takes food to him on occasion because he has so much debt. She has set intimate boundaries with him. She said "He is willing to set aside his desires, to be my friend" She allows him to kiss her intimately on the lips and fondle her clothed breasts. ( she calls them warm hugs) When I said she isn't that type of girl, she sort of gave me a pained, shameful look. She swears she is not and will not have sexual relations with him. This man lives all but an hour drive from her. She is comfortable with the distance. She see's him a time or two a month, and they talk almost every night on the phone for 5- 10 minutes. She says they can talk for hours if they could, and have. She likes it when they pray together on the phone. He shows no inclination of helping her grow out of her low self esteem. She thinks they have grown rather close and she swears she can not and will not marry him. Their goal is 'relational'(?) She considers herself and he as two broken people. One night last October, when I was visiting her, he called. she didn't answer the phone, he sent two text messages and two voice messages with 15 minutes. She didn't reply to those either. 30 minutes later he was at her door wondering why she didn't answer her phone. She was surprised to see him... I really wasn't. She told me he says he loves her quite often. I asked if she loves him.....She said 'sometimes I think I do..... then don't......' I asked her if she was afraid when he says this, she said no. A friend of mine says she doesn't love him...and feels sorry for him.... When she realized that I had feelings for her a couple months ago, she told me she was afraid and not ready to move forward.... Too much emotional pain to deal with yet. She's recently gone back into counseling again. I know she likes me a lot....!! I do, realistically, not perceived, see flashes of love in her eyes for me,then just that quickly it's gone. She will not let me kiss her on the lips either.So.... My question is: If a woman in her position says she isn't afraid of a man telling her he loves her what does she mean? If this same woman has a man tell her he loves her, but she is afraid when he tells her what does it mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): The other guy has a better connection. He is willing to meet her on her own terms. She feels he is no threat, and he is in the friend-zone. How she prefers to connect with him is her business; and you are not officially in an exclusive relationship.
She knows more about him that you do. She is keeping company with the both of you, in a healthy way; while she is under therapy, and healing from her traumatic and abusive marriage. Starting another committed relationship is more than she's ready for. You're competing with the other gentleman.
If she doesn't want to be pressured by your declaring love; then wait. She is still under repair and healing and not ready for anything too intense. She may not share your degree of feelings; and just may only want you as a friend.
She is a caregiver, and likes taking care of him. He needs friends and she knows his MS may render him sexually inactive; but she doesn't have to share their personal affairs with you. She open and honest.
You aren't her boyfriend; so she doesn't have to relay too many details about him, or their relationship to you. All you need to know is that they are close friends.
Respect the boundaries she has set for your continued connection as friends; until she feels she can take on something more. If you are not happy with the arrangements on her terms; you are free to move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): "If a woman in her position says she isn't afraid of a man telling her he loves her what does she mean?"It means she IS afraid, otherwise she'd have no reason to make such a statement. "If this same woman has a man tell her he loves her, but she is afraid when he tells her what does it mean?"It means she's been conditioned over the past thirty years to equate love with abuse, so when a man tells he loves her she's afraid he's going to start abusing her. That she has chosen to befriend a physically-challenged male who lives an hour away suggests she is understandably seeking to minimize the risk of becoming involved in another abusive relationship, and therefore she gravitated toward someone whom she does not perceive as a potential threat. Unfortunately this woman is carrying a lifetime of emotional baggage and her long-term, deep-seated issues are not going to be resolved any time soon. And unfortunately it may be in her best interests for you to step back and give her the time and space she needs to devote her full energy to making the fullest recovery possible, as it may be years before she is ready to even remotely consider the possibility of any sort of intimate relationship. As noble as your intentions are, the harsh reality is your love can't fix her.
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