A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i want to have an opportunity to have a relationship with my friend. He is a good guy, but i try to tell him he needs to take care of himself and not depending on his family. He got a job and his boss (sister's husband) doesnt pay him on time. He owes him 1 full month of his salary. I told him he must try hard and look for another job, but he tells me he likes his job, because is easy, he live 5 minutes near with his sister. These things make me think that if i move with him i will have to carry all the rents, etc..He owes 70000 thousands of school debts, 200 month for car, 100 months for his mibile among clothes, food, video games he likes to buy. He only makes 24000 a year. I invited him with 6 months of anticipation to a trip, and 3 weeks before he tells me he cant go because he doesnt have the money. I felt bad because i though he will make the effort to save money for the trip. He doesnt seem to care to try to look for another job which he can get paid on time, because he is looking for an easy job no matter he doesnt get paid. I feel i cant have a relationship a his girlfriend, because luv is important, but i need a man that likes to fight in life to get things no matter how hard it is and nit depending in your family ir partner..is ok i feel like this???
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Not only is it ok to think like this, but it's correct and intelligent. Relationships are about far more than just love. You need compatibility to make it work. And his spending habits and financial life are not suitable for you, he's a grown man that has the income of a teenager or young adult and doesn't care to do anything about it. You will become more like a mom than a girlfriend, having to remind him to pay bills or tell him what he should be doing with his money instead. And would fight constantly over money issues, which is what you hear as one of the biggest causes for divorce these days, that's how important it is. It's best to leave this one alone. Dating someone financially irresponsible is very, very hard. Better to find someone with more maturity that can offer some semblance of security and stability, in addition to being more compatible with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): Thank you for your response, Cindy i understand if he owns 70000 on school debts, why thinking of trip.. He moved away, i have not seen him over more than one year. I am willing to travel and find a job over there, but his attitudes about not caring to go farther in life and find something he can pay his debts on time really cares me. His family is over here, so the trip is for both to see his family and spend a weekend i paid to share a nice hotel with activities. In 6 months he just was buying games 50.00 each and spending a lot eating outside. The only thing he needed to pay was the flight. I dont want him to change his personality, i want to help him to prosper in this hard life..his boss never pays him on time, never..his accepted that job and moved because they painted it to him as a well stable job, and he found out is not true. His boss says he cant pay him because his clients don't pay him. I told him he has many talents and can find another good job, in not fair for him. I luv him as a friend, but it will be a very hard relationship..and he is not a kid, he is a 31 old year man. Thank to all. Your comments helped me understand some some points of views..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Rather than focus solely on this man's outstanding debts, how about re-focusing on his approach to life - in general - and whether or not he can mature in to an adult...
Most of what you write about him is a description of a young man who has found his soft/warm "cacoon" and sees no need to leave it until/unless forces to do so.... IF you take up with him and do as you infer (pay his way) then you have the potential to become yet another "enabler" to him.... and will assist in his avoiding adulthood...
IF you really "love him" as you would like... then you can make whichever choice you wish (stay with him; or, part ways)... But it's easy to predict that staying with him is a likely prescription for a life of misery...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 Sure, it's Ok if you feel like this... but it is also Ok if your Bf feels differently.
Quality of life is also very important,not just how much you get paid, and if he has a job he likes , 5 minutes from where he lives !, no wonder he is not in any hurry to quit. He must have calculated pros and cons and maybe the pros of not commuting and working in a family atmosphere exceed the cons of not always being paid on time and not earning a lot.
Don't get me wrong, he would be entitled to be paid on the dot, but , since he LIVES with his boss, who is his sister's husband, maybe your bf does not feel like raising hell for some occasional pay delay as he would in another job place . Maybe he knows the situation is particular or temporarily difficult and his boss he's doing his best... so he's just being understanding , not a wimp or a fool. I bet it works both ways ; his BIL is a bit taking advantage because of their family ties, then again I am quite sure that if has to fire someone , that won't be your bf ... There are places where if you show up half an hour late once, you get the sack; I am pretty sure your bf does not risk that.
Pros and cons- and everybody evaluates them differently.
Also, if he makes 24000 before taxes, that means his take home pay is not over 1800 a month. Less the 300 monthly he is already paying, that makes 1500. Not a sum that allows easily and largely ALSO for travel and vacations. Sure if he had scrimped and saved and had been frugal, he could have put together the money for your vacation. But maybe he has different priorities. When money is not abundant, one has to make CHOICES. If he prefers videogames and other purchases to travels... you may not agree with his spending priorities, but you cannot say he is not entitled to his preferences.
(Anyway , pardon me, but one who has 70000 USD of debt... if he can save a few bucks occasionally... shouldn't he put them toward paying his debts ? rather than for going on trips ? )
Moral- you don't have to be ok with his career choices, but I don't think you should presume pressuring him to change.
You like ambitious guys ( I don't blame you, I do too ) - and he is not an ambitious guy.
Either you love him so much that you take him " as is "- or you don't, and seek someone more in line with your life vision.
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