A
female
age
30-35,
*.Chang
writes:Hello Aunts,I met this man sometime in 2015 when i was on a temporal job in another state in the country. He is Married with a son. When we first met, he was attracted to me and we pretty get along so well.He dropped hints about dating me but i didnt want to get involved because he was married. So we continued to be friends but off and on with a few quarrels in between. In all of this, we still found a way to get back and be friends again.About 10 months later, i naturally began to find him more attractive and we kissed a few times but we did not have Sex. I was too scared to get down with him. I just felt i was doing something wrong. He never forced me, he wanted me to take my time and was willing to wait. Although, it wasnt easy for him anytime i turned him down.Then just about three months, i moved back to my state. This did not stop us from being friends. He planned to visit me in my base. But after a while, he became distant and wouldnt talk much. He was going through depression and kept to himself. I was also going through a trying time; my mum was critically ill and i had to take care of her.For about 3 months. He didnt speak to me and I let him be when he wasnt willing to share his problems. One day, he called and i was shocked. He apologised and explained everything that happened and we became close again.Then after a short time again, he became withdrawn again. I still let him be. Then after another 2 months or 4 months, he texted me and again, we got closer this time. The closeness grew and i decided to damn all consequences and make love to him. In Summary, we started dating officially. We planned to meet several times but work wouldnt let us.The timing was not just right. Along the line, he was transferred at work to a remote place. He wasnt happy about it but he had no choice. The area is very boring and they had issues with Electricity and mobile network. I made him understand that we were still together no matter the distance and i would come around to see him. Suddenly, he was slowly withdrawing again and paying less attention to me and my needs. I would talk to him about it and he would say he would adjust, he would change but nothing happen. The cycle was too much for me and i broke up with him.He pleaded a few times and i told him I was done. He pushed for a few days and he let me be. Then we became very casual friends that talk once in 2 weeks. On 31st Dec 2017, it was his Son's birthday. I messaged him and wished his Son well. He was happy about it and claimed i was the only one who remembered and the first to wish him well. Then he tried to revive our relationship by telling me "he missed me". I ignored this statement and he said it again. This time, i wasnt ready for all his claims and i was tired of his off and on attitude. So, I replied and said "You dont deserve a woman like me, you deserve someone like yourself"Then He got angry and said "I leave you in peace- Goodbye"That was the last time we spoke. My question is, I feel bad about what I said, but im not willing to call him or apologise first". Am i getting it wrong, am i on the right track. Is this worth losing his friendship? From the way he sounded, there is no hope of him coming back. Although I miss him. He was a true friend. This is 3 weeks gone and we havent said anything. Although, i deleted his contacts. Im not planning to date him again, but i feel i owe him an apology too.Help! Im confused
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at work, broke up, married man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 January 2018):
 His poor wife is all I can think about here.
Find a man who is SINGLE. Don't intervene in people's marriages. If this guy is unhappy with his wife then let him deal with it, don't try to have sex with people that have wives.
Have some respect
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 January 2018):
 You were hoping to be sex mates with another woman's husband? Have you no morals?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2018): Sorry, sweetie. He saw you as a fuck toy. He was (is) in no way emotionally invested in you. From what you describe, he only came back to you in between other flings that got dull or didn't last. You are just a little icing on the side in his dull, messed up life.You owe him nothing. Not even another word. But you do owe yourself something. Happiness. You will never find it with this dog.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 January 2018):
 Even if all you want is a "sex mate" - chose one that is SINGLE so you don't go around hurting other people (like a wife or partner).
Want a bit more for yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2018): Why would you owe him an apology? You understandably got upset when he was stringing you around, and seeing you behind his wife's back. You're talking as if he's single, but you stated at the beginning that he's not... I'm confused how you don't get that when he becomes withdrawn he's actually being with someone else. He's not going to tell you that because that'll break the nice little fantasy he had going with you. You think he was your best friend, he was not. This man took you for a fool. Please get over him and the idea that you'll ever be with this guy. Please wake up from this fantasy that this MARRIED man will love you. He's just using you. Next time, please be a little more picky when you fall in love. No married people, no people who will disappear when you need them the most (i.e. your mom being ill, and him disappearing because he had 'depression'). No man who takes you and the relationship seriously will disappear when you need his emotional support.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 January 2018):
 Perhaps you could ask his wife and family what you should do? What do you think their response would be?
Your "relationship" reminds me of dogs who chase cars. As long as the car keeps going, the dog keeps chasing. If the car stops, then so does the dog, unsure what to do next. This is just like your "courtship". If one of you is backing off, the other chases, but if the first person stops and says "ok, let's do it", the other runs away or finds an excuse to back off.
This man should be paying attention to his wife's and family's needs, not yours. YOU have no claim on him. THEY do.
It does make me sad that you think you are not worth more than to be some married man's grubby little secret, his bit on the side. Surely you must realize you can do better and that you DESERVE better?
If he is "carrying on" with you, he is probably doing the same with other women. When he disappears off the radar, he is probably seeing someone else. Don't be another notch on his bed post. Find a man who is free to love you.
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A
female
reader, M.Chang +, writes (20 January 2018):
M.Chang is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Aunts.
I really know i made a terri le mistake and im glad we did not go beyond what we had. I only hanged on because we enjoyed each other's company and i was hoping we could just be Sexmates and nothing more. But he kept talking about Love and how he would have loved to marry me which i would not even dare.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 January 2018):
 WHY would you owe someone a apology who has chucked you aside every time he goes back to his wife? You honestly BELIEVE when he goes "distant" he's not spending *quality family time* with his wife??? You surely can't be that naive!
I'll say what I say to most people who think they're entitled to someone elses partner- why don't you put this question to HIS WIFE? To be honest you owe his wife an epic apology, even though that won't cut it what you've done.
You're being used by a scumbag- he MARRIED this woman and he's still with her whilst consistently making moves on YOU. Since 2015?? He's been cheating on her for this long.. his wife is the first in the pecking order and you're second.. and look at how he treats his *first*
Seriously?? Just imagine you were his wife and you saw this post from another woman like Honeypie said.. how would that make you feel? YOU'RE doing that to someone else. Forget him. Block him go NO contact and start to redeem yourself. You made a serious mistake but you're old enough to know better honestly
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 January 2018):
For the love of G-d leave this man alone. He is married and apparently plans to stay that way. Stop this stupid childish on again off again flirtation you have going on, that’s what it is not friendship and get on with your life. You say you don’t plan to date him again but it is clear to everyone but you that you keep this going in the hopes that something will happen between the two of you.
Delete his number and and his email in fact block them and start dating men who are actually available.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2018):
Cut the contact, OP
He isn't looking for a friend. He was hoping that the "friendship" would lead to sex. He is married.
Think about it for a minute here, HOW would you feel if YOUR husband were up to these kind of things with another woman? You wouldn't like that, would you? Your husband flirting, kissing and being "friends" with someone else?
If you wouldn't like that idea, WHY are you doing it to someone else?
Being "friends" with this man makes YOU not put YOU first. If you would LIKE to date someone, have a man of YOUR own in your life - go find yourself a SINGLE man with less baggage. Not chase after one that's married and you CAN NOT have.
Just stop all contact and have a little think here.Are you not worth more as a person than to be some married guy's side-dish?
Self-respect, OP.... get some.
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