A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Husband found out I have been using tumblr for fandom stuff and threatened to smash my phone. He didn't understand what "reblogging" meant and thought that character pictures were actually real dudes. I'm not allowed to talk to "strange people on the internet" or "random dudes". Long story short, I wanted a divorce and was going to leave him 3 years ago for a co-worker but decided to stay. He hasn't allowed me to have a job since and I've had to delete all my childhood friends who are male from FB, which I don't really use anymore. He complains that he "doesn't real know the real me", but when I share a detail about my hobbies or something I'm passionate about, he mocks and derides me, telling me I need to "live in the 'real world'" and "wake up to reality". He also claims I have "no ambition" because I've given up all my dreams. The tumblr thing: I am a huge fangirl and belong to several fandoms. I do all the fangirl-y stuff: Make manips and memes, write fanfic, and yes... talk to other fans on the Internet. This sounds depressing, but this is all I have left that's just for me (my rl friends know I'm a fan girl, they love me anyway). If he takes that away from me too I'll just be an empty shell. What can I do?
View related questions:
ambition, co-worker, divorce, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 You should leave. Not for someone else, but for yourself!
Find a local charity for women escaping abuse and seek their help to leave him.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 January 2018):
 I agree it's emotional abuse.. whatever you did in the past he either gets over it or he leaves. Actually DICTATING to you what you can and cannot do is not healthy and shows he sees you as an object possession, not a lover.
Taking things away from you and then blaming you is nasty manipulative behaviour.
You obviously need his PERMISSION to have a life- so remove him from the equation and get your life back. Love does not factor into this because if you do still have feelings, he doesn't reciprocate- when you GENUINELY love someone (not lust/dependency disguised as love) you want the best for THEM not yourself.. can you really say that for this guy??
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 January 2018):
Why are you with this guy. You need to call a Domestic Abuse hotline or Thehotline.org and tell them you need to get away from a controlling abusive husband. Because that’s what this guy is.Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 January 2018):
 Leave him?
You were going to leave 3 years ago but didn't, why not? Doesn't sound like an ideal guy to spend the rest of your life with. How is he not allowing you to get a job? It's YOUR life. YOU decide what you do in it.
Get a job, start saving to move out and get a divorce. Or if possible, move into a friends or relatives house to get away asap and then work on getting away from this man and living your own life. You don't need someone who brings you down this much.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 January 2018):
 People will only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. YOU are allowing your husband to treat you in this abysmal way.
As I see it, you have two choices: stand up to him and reclaim your life, regardless of what he thinks or says, or get the hell out of this relationship. You don't mention that you love your husband so I assume you don't. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Come on, sweetheart. You know you deserve better. This is not living. This is existing. Get family and friends on board to help and start living again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2018):
 Divorce him. Start over. BOTH of you.
I get that he has trust issues with you, if you were having an affair with a coworker years ago, but this is absolutely ridiculous.
1. He can't DEMAND that you do not work, I mean REALLY? You actually agreed to that?
2. He is controlling and mocks you for your "fangirl" activities. No wonder you don't want to share your passions with you.
3. What dream did you give up and why? I'm curious.
And lastly, here is why I say divorce. Your marriage was not working 3 years ago, which might be why you had the affair. (not that it is your husband's "fault, but if it was working you wouldn't be looking elsewhere for attention and love. (I presume).
It's STILL not working. Even if you have LET him dictate ALL the rules you now have to live by. I guess you feel some "guilt" for the affair and thus let him set all these archaic rules for you.
So, what do you do?
Well, first GET A job that can support YOU. File for divorce (if you have no kids nor assets you can do it CHEAP online.) Find a place you can afford and move out.
Set you BOTH free of this. I don't think HE is any happier than you are.
I think for him, the woman he fell in love with and married no longer exists and he is PUNISHING you for ruining that ideal or fantasy if you will.
He will NOT stop and you are both miserable - there is NOTHING here for either of you.
Start over, stand on your own two feet. And if there is a CHANCE that you can go for your dreams then do so. But in the SHORT run, go for freedom - for you both.
No amount of counseling or bullying (and yes, he sounds like a brokenhearted bully) will fix what happened 3 years ago (or even before that). I just don't see a point in staying.
And IF you two have kids (I presumed you don't as you didn't mention any) then divorce is DEFINITELY healthier for them too, rather then them seeing how you two treat each other. Don't forget kids are little sponges they absorb, observe and learn from what they see every day.
...............................
|
