A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'll try to make this as short and painless as possible :)When I was 13, my stepfather (James) kissed me. He later apologized and said he was drunk, so I believed him. A few months later, he tried to have sex with me. That scared me, I told my mom, and she kicked him out. I think he spent a bit of time in jail as well. It wasn't really a big deal, I'm over it, etc.Well my stepfather has a daughter, let's call her Crystal. Crystal and I grew up together (since we were 5). After this "incident", Crystal's relationship with her dad (James) became very strained. She has no idea what happened or why my mom divorced her dad. I know she suspects something, because she often asked me if I knew why they got divorced. I always said no...I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what happened.I'm nearly 18 now, and I haven't seen or spoken to James since my mom kicked him out almost 5 years ago. James's relationship with Crystal never crossed my mind until the other day when I read Crystal's online journal. In one of the entries she talked about how upset she was that her Dad just got up and left the state with no explanation. She wrote that their relationship had been nearly nonexistant for the past couple of years, he had changed, and she didn't know why.I feel awful. It's bad enough that I had to ruin his life by telling my mom what happened, but I've also ruined Crystal's closeness with her Dad. Because of me, they haven't been in true contact for a long time and she's extremely upset about it.I feel like I owe it to Crystal to tell her what happened and offer her some explanation for why her Dad just abandoned her, but I also can't tell her because I think it'll just make her feel worse.I feel really trapped. Any advice?? Sorry if that's a bit confusing, if you need to ask questions I'll answer.
View related questions:
divorce, drunk, in jail, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2007): Again, I concur with Farris. Crystal does need to know. I am sorry for what you went through, with this horrible man. Amazing how he managed to make victims of all of you through his senseless crime. He's caused a great deal of pain to you, to Crystal, your Mother and Crystal's Mom, (assuming she has a different Mother from you). So many innocent people are continuing feel the adverse impact of his actions long after he has fled the scene. What a dilemma for you, in regards to telling Crystal. In my opinion, yes--most definitely, Crystal needs to know. It is of great importance that she have this information.. I feel it would be unfair by 'not' telling her. She needs to know this, so she can start healing herself and gaining a understanding and closure as to 'why' her father has abandoned her. Plus, remember, Crystal could marry and have family of her own. She needs to know that her father is a sex offender. This man could pop back in her life and her family will be at great risk. She will have to take this information and protect her own children, someday. One thing...how old is Crystal? Is she the same age as you? Or is she still a teen? I think her age and maturity should be considered. If she is a youth, can you talk to her Mother and see if this should wait, until she's older. Perhaps in conferring with her Mother, it could be decided that her Mother tell her, instead. If she is an adult or about the same age as you or older, then yes, you can tell her, but it must be done with as much compassion and caring, as possible. It won't be easy for Crystal, to hear this...but this could finally 'give her some answers she needs to know, so she can move forward.
I have to ask you. hun. Have you fully recovered from this incident, dear? Did you get any counseling? I think what I found sad about your posting is that you say, " I feel awful. It's bad enough that I had to ruin his life by telling my Mom what happened, but I've also ruined Crystal's closeness with her Dad. Because of me, they haven't been in true contact for a long time and she's extremely upset"
When I read that. I thought, why are you carrying all this guilt and shame? This is not your cross to bear..so it appears you may not have completely healed from this incident. You were 13 years old at the time and you were victimized here, don't you? So please, refuse to carry shame, guilt and remorse of what this man did. Doing that to yourself, is allowing 'him' to re-victimize you over again. I really respect that your Mom possessed the resolve/strength-that she valued and honored her responsibility to you, so many years ago by kicking this man out of her life and yours. There are a lot of gals out there that wouldn't have done that. So many women, desperate to attach to men, any man, do criminally expose their children to perpetrators based on their own neediness, fears and low self-worth. Your Mother is strong..good for her! Think hard about what you want to do, seek counsel from your own Mother but I do strongly feel that Crystal needs to know. But that will be your decision, in the end. And please, no more blaming yourself..fight back against the crime this man committed upon you, by being a strong, self-reliant person. I wish you the best, dear and good luck.
A
female
reader, Farris  +, writes (10 March 2007):
 I think that Crystal should learn what happened to her father, but I don't think that you should be the one to tell her. Maybe you should talk to your mother about this (I'm assuming that she still lives with the two of you), and she how she feels about the situation.
Personally, I think the best way to deal with this is tell her to ask her Dad what's going on. She deserves to hear the truth straight from the horse's mouth. If he is too cowardly to do this himself and act man enough to own up to his mistakes, then very rightly, he doesn't deserve to be in his daughter's life, and maybe THEN yourself and your mother should sit her down to tell her.
Remember that you BOTH have been the ones that have been there for her over the last five years, and that neither of you should be made to feel guilty about this man's actions.
Good luck & best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (10 March 2007):
 I would ask your mum before you say anything to anyone else. After all Crystal is your mum's daughter and she might not want her to know. Even though Crystal has no relationship with her Dad right now it might not be that way forever.One day they might have a chance at a relationship and however much of a loser he is, she deserves the chance to see that for herself rather than just being told it by other people. However my advice would really be to talk to your mum before making any decision whatsoever.
CD
...............................
A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (10 March 2007):
 I can understand how bad you are feeling about this. None of this is your fault and yet you are the one suffering the brunt of it. Crystal is very confused about the relationship with her dad and probably cant understand him.
You have to decide whether or not she is emotionally stable enough to deal with this news. There is also the chance that she could find out in the future and she will be upset that you didnt tell her. Could your mum have a chat with her. If you feel that its you who wants to tell her then if you go ahead explain why you never told her that you didnt want to upset her. I really dont know what the right thing to do here is. But if it was my dad i would rather know. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (10 March 2007):
 Sugar, I agree with Jamitri on this. It was certainly not your fault. He knew what he was doing drunk or not. He deserved anything he got as a result of his indiscretions.
As for telling your stepsister, that is a tough one. If this is bothering you so much perhaps you could sit her down and ask her if she could handle some disturbing news about her dad. Explain why you have not told her and let her know you didn't want to see her hurt but you felt that if she really wants to know, you will tell her. As I said though, this is a tough decision to make and you will ultimately have to make it yourself. Hope this helps. Doc.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2007): Hi sweetheart. Firstly, none of this is your fault. 'James' is to blame. He is a sex offender and he has caused all of this. As for telling 'Crystal' the truth, I cant really advise on that. She should know about it I suppose but its a case of when to break the news and how to break it to her. Good luck.
...............................
|
