A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was overseas last year my best friend began texting my girlfriend and making excuses to call around and visit, they both didn't tell me at the time, just before I got back my gf told me about it, she said some texts where inappropriate telling me he asked her around to watch porn, she told me he was putting me down and she thought he was coming on to her! She told me he was not a good person/friend and we should try keep him out of our life. My friends faience was pregnant at the time so I didn't want to cause a scene and bring it out in the open,they both told me nothing sexual happened But I still was effecting me, I felt the trust had been broken this lead to a breakup at the end of the year. I went overseas to spend Xmas with my dad and had strange texts from my friend implying he had been in contact with her again, when I asked her at the time she made out I was paranoid and told me to get over it and stop dwelling in the past, when I arrived back it looked like I was getting back with my ex, I spoke to my so called friend and he explained that my girlfriend had asked him a favour trying to find a job for her freind,,when I asked her about this she didn't want to talk about it and asked me to leave, after she admitted texting my friend and said they where texting back and fourth over the period of two weeks, she showed me one inocent text where he was wishing her happy new year but says she deleted the rest and does not want to discuss the matter turning it around on me, I love her but I feel we need to discuss the contact she had with him inorder to rebuild trust,am I being paranoid, should I just give her the benefit of the fought and move on,? Any help at all would be much appreciated .
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (5 March 2016):
 I think you should let her go and move on. Not really worth the hustle
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2016): Your girlfriend knows how guys are with their very best buddies. There's very little you won't tell your best bud, and sometimes guilt will lead to oversharing or confessions; over too much beer and spirits. She knows you'll press him for answers. He might collapse under his guilt and love for you.
So she got in her story before he was able to confess anything. The fact she won't talk about it; is because she's not sure what you may already know, and you might catch her in a lie. Attempting to salvage your friendship; or to share the blame; your ex-bff might spill his guts. Then the cat's out of the bag!
I think they both were up to no good, and I can only speculate your girlfriend got lonely and initiated the contact for more than a favor. Either that, or is was simply opportunistic flirtation. You know, the cat's away so the mouse will play?!
You never disclosed what that mysterious favor was?
I'm sure she has her own friends or relatives who can do favors. The last thing you should do to an partner who's away, is to contact their best friend for a one-on-one in their absence. It looks suspicious, and usually is. The mind is subject to mischief, curiosity, and temptation. Especially if there is a covert attraction going on behind the scenes.
You should forgive them both, but they both should be dismissed. Because "something" did happen! If she won't talk about it even to save her relationship; it's only because she's on the defensive. She doesn't know how much of the truth you may already know, and just might be setting her up to bury her under her lies. Consider them both equally culpable. Neither is coming totally clean.
My advice? Do not attempt to reconcile, just forgive and move on. Only because you will always harbor hidden resentment toward the both of them. Your forgiveness can only be complete, if you let them both go. Don't hold on to her to protect your male-ego. Fearing they'll wind up together. That may happen behind your back anyway.
Truth is, you'll never fully overcome your jealousy and suspicion. It will hang over you like a dark cloud. It will eventually manifest in the form of verbal-abuse, psychological-warfare, and manipulation using her guilt against her. I've seen it happen all too many times. It's a male thing. Pride and ego. Territorial instincts. The fact you wrote this post makes it almost evident.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2016): Hi,
i think the two previous readers, have answered your question very well.
I suspect your gf and your best friend have been texting "questionable msgs".
What exactly, nobody knows, however, even a fool knows that if a person deletes text msgs and refuses to show their partner, then they must have "something" to hide.
Also, your gf is getting defensive, because she knows full well, that she has done the wrong thing by you and quite selfishly, she is now trying to move past it all, even though you are still affected by her seemingly strange behaviour and her obvious game playing.
If i were in your shoes, i would be thinking long and hard about the future of this relationship.
As the old saying goes, "know thyself and do know your own self worth".
If you feel at any time, that your relationship is sub-standard and isn't moving forward as you'd oherwise have anticipated, then you really do need to sit down and question the future of this relationship.
It sounds as though you cannot even discuss this entire matter with your gf, because she is on the constant defensive and seems to get quite snappy, when you mention the matter and your feelings to her.
Even if you love your gf now, with time, if this matter isn't resolved fully, then sadly, there is serious potential that your love for her may begin to wane.
If you cannot trust her fully, because she has given you reason to doubt her honesty, then what love really exists between the two of you?
Love is a two way street.
Also, if "she" truly loved, cherished and above all else, "respected" you, then i can guarantee that she wouldn't be behaving this way.
The bottom line here is, you cannot trust your gf and your best friend fully and despite what they tell you, your gut is telling you otherwise, so listen to your gut instincts.
Most times they're right.
Any long term potential for the two of you appears slim, from where is sit and if your gf doesn't begin to honour your relationship and yes, you, then you guys don't have much at all.
The best relationships, are whereby two people can meet halfway, on just about every level.
Where two people respect, care, honour and love each other so much, that they place their partners best interests above their own.
I wish you all the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2016): You are getting Trickle Truth. It leaks out a little at a time as needed to control damage or reduce guilt for her.
Your only recourse is to assume the worst. At the very least there was inappropriate contact. Maybe more.
If you are wrong? Well that's not your fault, you were left with no alternative because she has been keeping secrets. I think it's very possible that the only reason she originally told you anything was in fear of getting found out.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2016):
 She told you to stop dwelling in the past. Well the problem is still in the present because she was supposed to cut him off altogether. That means no texting back and forth, and asking for favours, even friendly ones. I surely would not want to ask for help from a guy who wanted to watch porn with me. Or stay friends. Unless she made that up to sound like a victim. If she didn't do anything sexual with him, at least she's flattered by the attention but was too careless to protect your relationship.
It was understandable that you would be paranoid. For her to ask you to leave means that she has no interest in rebuilding trust, and that you should leave it broken up. I think a person who really wants to save the relationship would have assured you, or keep in touch every day even when you were away, instead of telling you to leave. Even if she did not do anything to cross the line, I feel the relationship just simply wasn't strong enough to withstand temptation.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 March 2016):
 Your girlfriend's earlier confession seems more like damage control to me, pre-empting you finding out some other way. Maybe she had a guilty conscience but only felt safe enough to confess some of it. Your friend is just as frugal with the truth.
I really can't be sure, but it seem that you already have enough information to know you can't trust either of them, so I wouldn't waste time and cause more stress by probing for more details.
Now you have to decide if you can live with this as is or if it's time to cut your losses and move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 March 2016):
 I think it is clear she is not going to discuss what was in them messages, you could almost gaurantee the messages contain things you would not want to see, hence why she has deleted them. She does not want you asking questions because she knows she has done wrong.
Now the choice is yours you can stay with her and always wonder if she is chatting to other guys and having trust issues, or else you can tell her how you feel and let her explain, chances are she won't and if this was me I would walk away, because I no for me I need to be with someone I can trust with anything.
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