A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay, basically I have come to the conclusion I am mentally unable to have sex or have a relationship. This may sound really strange and I do not have a reason as to why this has happened. But for the last year and a half, I have found myself unable to have any intimate moments or mutual feelings with anyone of the opposite sex. For the last 6 months I have been set on finding a relationship, I have put a lot of time and effort into this, I have met lots of guys, fancied a lot of people but now I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure if that is what I want, as the thought of being with someone makes me feel like I am being suffocated. So...I then decided to see if I wanted sex instead. I have recently been talking to a guy, we have sent each other nudes, I would love to sleep with him and he wants to do the same with me, but when it comes to meeting with him to do the deed, I put it off, and even though I physically want to, I feel mentally unable to do so, and its getting me down. I do have Bipolar disorder, which is medicated at the moment and I have come to the end of my therapy as I am perfectly stable now (honestly). I have had 2 very bad relationships in the past involving cheating, stalking and manipulation but I have since both of them had sex, and this whole mental block has only come on in the last like 6 months. So I ask you, what do you think is causing this? Do you think it is just normal "should I, shouldn't I" nerves, and as with the guy who I want to sleep with, should I just go for it anyway and hope the whole mental block will go away, or should I leave it? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): It could be that it's just not the right time yet, sometimes your body wants what your mind doesn't and vice versa, I wouldn't worry yourself about it.
At the end of the day, if you go through with sex and your head isn't in the right place you might end up regretting it, maybe just give it a little while until you feel comfortable with the idea mentally.
Of course, if you're a virgin, it could just be a case of the first time nerves, everyone gets nervous, and I'm sure it's nerve racking for people who have been intimate already as well. Nerves can hold you back, you have to decide if this is a mental block or nerves because they're two very different things and if you're not sure, you might make the wrong decision and it could backfire on you.
A
female
reader, Delirium  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 I don't think this is just nerves. I have a family friend living with Bipolar disorder, she is happily married with a child and managing her condition quite well so I believe you have just as much chance of being in a fulfilling relationship as anyone else. That being said managing a medical problem may not hurt a relationship but it doesn't help either. I'm sure it adds an extra element of stress to you relationship building process. Your past relationships probably haven't done anything to help you feel trusting and safe opening up to a new guy either. I would probably put most of the blame with them. For a few years I believed that I too was incapable of feeling (romantic) love for someone. Men were just people to date, keep me company, or have sex with. And sex was a purely physical, emotionless, exercise. I went through some bad boyfriends, the jobless sponges, the liars, the cheaters, you know the drill (although I never had a stalker, that would have definitely rattled me) but things got better. After I had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life and quite accepting date requests or looking for a guy to date I found my current boyfriend and he has been great. And although I sometimes have trouble understanding if I really love him (since I'm not sure what that's supposed to be like) I do know that he makes me happy, my life is better with him around, and I wouldn't want to trade him for anyone (we've now been together for 4 years, my previous record; 6 months, the average being about 3 months). It's hard to understand our emotions at every point of our lives but I would bet you are still working through some emotional baggage that got left on your doorstep. I don't know how long it's been since you broke up with your exs but sometimes depression, anxiety, and grief take longer than 6 months to work out. I give you props for getting back out there and trying to move on. If you feel like you're forcing yourself to have sex or a relationship in order to "get back to normal" or to "snap yourself out of it" then you probably still need some time. Otherwise, if you are hesitant/distant because you worry that this new guy won't work out either or you'll get hurt again then that could just be nervousness over starting over. That "distant", lack of love, feeling is probably from being continuously being let down (although medications could be a cause I assume you already looked into that). I would suggest joining a club, finding a new hobby, getting a pet, or doing something to build yourself up and make friends. Sometimes slowing down and accepting that you need to take a breather can make a world of difference. Also it helps you meet people without the primary focus being to figure out if they could become a partner, this makes it easier to focus on them as a person which in turn makes it easier to decide if they would actually make a good partner. Best of luck.
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