A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello...I have been with my partner for almost 4 years...we have a 2 year old daughter together. In August 2006 my partner, his friend Paul and I went out for the night clubbing in Bournemouth. The drinks were flowing and by the end of the night I had told my partners friend that I quite fancied him. The day after was awkward but I still fancied Paul. A few months past and my feelings got stronger towards Paul, and I started sleeping with him. My partner and I were not getting on (arguing all the time), this is probably because I had Paul on my mind all the time. It's now over a year on since that night out and my feelings haven't changed towards Paul at all...I love him. I go to bed thinking about him and when I'm with him I just want to cuddle up to him because he makes me feel that way.I live with my partner...I have feelings for him but nothing like the feelings I have for Paul. My own mother left my family home when I was 2 and my younger brother was only 6 months old, I have found it very hard all my life and I'm worried what will happen if I was to leave my family home. I don't want my daughter having the life I did as it's not nice but I don't want to be unhappy all my life either. I feel I have to stay within my family home as it's better for our daughter, we aren't arguing at the moment but I am still thinking about Paul every minute of the day.I can't bear the thought of my partner living on his own, crying himself to sleep everynight because I have left him, but I can't bear the thought of Paul finding someone else and settling down either. I feel i have to choose between my daughters happiness or my life
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey...My partner knows that I have feelings for Paul...he also knows that I slept with Paul when my partner and I were on a break. My partner has asked me outright if I love Paul and I have told him I do to an extent. Paul has always said he would be the happiest man alive if my daughter and I went to live with him...he is very true to his word and thinks the world of my daughter. My partner is the family type of man, he loves me and our daughter very much but it makes me wonder why he is still so desperate to be with me when he knows I have feelings for someone else. The guilt of hurting my partner will be with me forever, no man wants to have the memory of their partner leaving them for another man. I always think about other peoples feelings before my own...and can't bear the thought of my partner sitting indoors crying himself to sleep everynight if I was to leave x
A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (26 September 2007):
The two aren't mutually exclusive... it's not a choice of your daughter's happiness vs yours. What you have to remember is that when it comes to relationships, you are your daughter's teacher. Do you want her to see that it's right or acceptable to be stuck in an unhappy relationship? You need to show her that being a mum doesn't spell the end of life. That's the best lesson you can give her - a little bit of selfishness because, mums inherently have the 'burnt toast syndrome' whereby you will give the good toast to everyone else & eat the burnt bit yourself. Teaching her to value her happiness, whatever her stage of life, is essential.
Having said that, think long & hard about leaving your partner for Paul... for a start, he is your partner's mate. Is he really going to be there for you when it comes to crunch-time? I know there's an affair at the moment, but is he with you while he thinks his mate isn't going to find out? Is he likely to back out when he realises how much he's going to hurt his mate? You can't underestimate that.
Also, keep in mind that you're in a honeymoon phase with Paul now - all the sex & passion & romance, coupled with the 'wrongness' of it makes it a very appealing & exciting relationship. But that WILL settle if you get together for the long-haul.
As much as you think you love Paul, really consider if you truly 'love' him, or if you're 'in love' with him as that will make a difference.
One thing that may help is imagining how hurt your partner would be and how that will affect your relationship with Paul... will it cause it to break becuase of the guilt you'd both be carrying? Picture the covnersation in your head and how it'd play out that day... and the next... and the next. And how it'd be having to see him each time you dropped off your daughter or he picked her up. Because that's what you'd be dealing with.
At the moment, you're affair is your 'up' and your partner is your anchor, dragging your happiness down. But if this situation comes to pass, that may flip where your relationship with Paul becomes both your guilt, dragging you down, coupled with your partner's hurt further dragging you down. That could, in itself, be enough to destroy any of the good feelings that are sustaining you at the moment with Paul.
I think, at this stage, you haven't got enough information at hand to make such a choice. The first thing I'd suggest is talk to Paul because your answer may lie right there if he says he doesn't want to take you & your child on, that it's just sex to him etc.. you'll know that he isn't an option at all & that may be enough to put you off him anyway.
If not, you've got some hard choices ahead of you.
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