A
female
age
36-40,
*ermaid86
writes:hi im 25 and live with my partner of 6years,we have two children,together..we have a great sex life,we watch porn together sometimes and i know he also watches it a lot online by checking history.I dont mind him watching as I know all men do its normal..but how much is normal he looks at porn every day..even ive found out he also pays for sites that hes joined..now thats what annoys me theres so much free porn on the internet theres no need to pay..it especially annoys me when he searches just one girl ..i feel like hes not happy with me? and the way i look ..and its making me feel really low about myself..i feel i have to keep changing myself to look how he sees these girls..i dont feel good enough..xanyone understand..would love to hear from both men and women.please.........x
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female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Reader anonymous, just how many people do you know? How many people can you speak for? The world is full of people from all different cultures, religious beliefs, upbringings, morals, and interests. You don't know every man in the world, you know a bunch of guys that are most likely into the same things as you from similar backgrounds. Don't generalise all men, as you cannot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): You know you guys can say whatever you want - but EVERY guy I know looks at porn regularly. So maybe there is the odd exception for religious reasons or whatever. But otherwise, we ARE all doing it. Whatever inadequate feelings this Insipires you to have are YOUR problem, and have nothing whatever to do with what is going on in his head.
You should just chill, and stop obsessing over what is really a non-issue.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Absolutely understand honeypie. Your not anti-porn, you can see it has a role for both you and your partner in your relationship. You are also not controlling and jealous. You have no problem excepting that sometimes he needs to be alone to have his pleasure and fantasize.
You have two main complaints. I would feel fed up too, and I'm very pro-porn as I feel that it can open up area's of sexuality that many people are embarrassed about.
1. Money... damn, stuff, bother (miamine is swearing politely) Yea, I'd be as mad as hell if he was spending money on porn. The only financing of porn I don't mind, is a long length film, which is bought as presents and meant to be shared by a couple. Or a favourite porn star, who has brought so much pleasure, that you feel she or he should get a thank you, and I'd prefer you just send it to them and don't bother about what you get back in return. If you want to give money to support someone in the industry, then I'd prefer if the porn bought was something that could be shared. Otherwise, I'd start worrying that you become accustomed to paying for sex, might have an addiction, and don't seem to be aware of your priorities.
It may not make sense. I have no problems with single people paying for porn, but as part of a couple, porn should be bought as a present for the both of you, and should be shared.
Otherwise. like you, I'd get damn mad, and think about vengeance, as getting money from you to spend on myself, and when I get angry I get expensive.
2. Interested in a particular porn star.. yes, again, this would piss me off, no matter how much I support porn. Now there are male and female porn stars that I greatly admire. They appear to take the whole thing very seriously, and therefore take time to make it appear erotic to me. These stars undergo intense emotions and actions.. I admire them for that, they make porn less of a routine job and more of an art... I thank them for considering us the consumer, and bringing us a lot of pleasure..
But... But... Damn well write them a thank you letter, and stick a card and check inside.. You don't have to go and fall in love with them, it's immature, humiliating, and risks confusing fantasy and real life.
Yes, you can like certain porn stars or producers for the quality material they put out. But if you've fallen in love or fantasize about one special girl, I will think you've gone soft in the head and have no respect for me or what I can bring to you each and every day...
Saying that... certain porn stars, are very good, because of how seriously they take their role, they make the experience enjoyable for you at home watching. So yes, sometimes we can seek certain people out, and they are not always acting, sometimes they are the person behind the camera.
Ask yourself, how do women and men whose partners love Michael Jackson feel. People all over the world spent money on him. Travelled to America to support him during his abuse trials, and then went back to cry at his funeral. Michael Jackson doesn't know his fans, they can't help loving him, some have loved him all their life. Is it ok to love Michael Jackson. Is it ok to spend money and time on him. If it's ok to be a crazy Michael Jackson fan, why is it not ok to be a crazy fan of somebody in pornography.
mmmm... seems you need to talk to him and find out why this girl in the sex industry holds his attention.
3. Never feel insecure about porn.. He can't touch her, he can't get her, she's probably got a man at home. He's a hell of a lot poorer than her, he's crap in bed compared to her, she has plenty of men who know how to have sex and lots of money lusting after her... why would she want your boyfriend..
Yes, it is irritating.. and yes you are fair... but, heck.. Michael Jackson fans offer to give him all their money, and they were screaming at him to make babies with them.. Let him keep his bloody fantasy woman, but tell him to keep her out of your sight.
4. Never compete with women in porn.. they spend 24 hours a day, and thousands of pounds, and sometimes surgery, trying to look as good as they do. You are real and you are you, your beautiful just the way you are. If you started going crazy and spending all your time looking good, you'd have no time to be loving, understanding, or just keeping things in his life running smooth..
Porn stars can't hurt you, and they don't want to hurt you. Most of them seem to want to bring happiness to the world (as long as you pay them) Porn stars have to deal with lots of jealousy, rejection and worry about the day when they start looking old and nobody wants them. Your not in a competition with anyone real, your in competition (in your mind) with a dream, a fantasy, it's like being jealous of Cinderella or Julia Roberts or the Queen of England.
See babes, no black or white, even with me, who likes porn and respects it's workers. I still get emotional and make no sense.. Talk to him, your views about this are fair and valid. Ask him why he spends money, and should you be jealous of this girl. His answers may surprise you.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (10 September 2010):
Jilly is right the whole 'all men do it' phrase is simply that, just a phrase, not at all true. Other men like to use this line to make out all men to be the same in order to make themselves feel better men.
Well you say you watch it together, so if you enjoy watching it together but feel effected by him watching it a lot when he's on his own, then you have to tell him how you feel and if he's mature enough and loves you enough, cutting down on his porn, or stopping it shouldn't be a problem.
From my personal experience, I find it more damaging when your partner looks for pictures of specific women, and it's stupid to be expected not to compare yourself to them it's only human nature. Put a stop to the porn if it's effecting your self esteem, it will only get worse and soon you may feel twice as bad.
Women in porn are plastic. Their body parts aren't real, the noises that come out of their mouths aren't real, nothing about them is real they're sex tools. Don't let it get to you that much that you feel you have to change, because the fact that you're REAL allready makes you a thousand times more beautiful and sexy than any of those trashy women.
Also, the fact that he's watching it every day and even paying for it, does not sound healthy to me. It sounds like an obsession. You say your sex life is good but is it only good on a simple level, is there any romance or proper intimacy, does he make you feel special? That's what you need to ask yourself.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I feel like I have to agree with Dear Jilly on this one. I used to think that ALL men watch porn ALL the time, and there was really nothing I could do about it. That was when I was with my first boyfriend. He would search it all the time, regardless of how I felt about it and regardless of if we had sex or not. It got to the point where it was every day. And it began to make me uncomfortable. I broke up with him and now I am in my second serious relationship. This guy doesn't look at porn AT ALL. He used to before we got together, and now he just doesn't feel the need to. We are VERY open about our sexuality, and he knows I don't mind porn. The point is, not ALL MEN watch porn ALL the time.
What your guy is doing seems rather compulsive. Paying for porn is a thing of the past, and if he's forking over money for stuff he could otherwise get for free? Seems like a waste to me. You don't have to change yourself, because you are great just the way you are. And if he is feeding attention into this stuff to the point where you are uncomfortable or feel like YOU need to change, then there is something wrong. I think you need to talk to him about this habit, but be calm and be willing to listen. Even if you changed yourself, he still wouldn't be happy, and he'd always be looking for something different. Just seems like his type of personality.
You have to be willing to talk things out and maybe work on some things between you, but if he continues and you still feel bad about yourself, I would consider either counseling or maybe even taking a break for a while. No one should feel this insecure about themselves due to their partner's habits. And don't let the excuse "every man does it" cushion his behavior either. Because every man doesn't. Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Well I'm sorry you feel like this, and Vintage64 is quite right, you don't need to change anything about yourself, you are the REAL PERFECT woman, and don't ever forget that.
I want to mention, that pornography does NOT have to form part of a healthy, raunchy sex life, and this constant notion that ALL men watch porn on a regular basis is not accurate. NOT all men do, and that is fact, and by women saying " well, he's a man, that's what men do" is the OLD brain washed excuse. Men just like women, can control what they do, and when they do it. If a man is watching porn on a regular basis, and I mean almost daily, or paying to watch it, is not healthy.
I have said this so many times - but I will say it again, 'Pornography'is named as such, because it is not considered shall we say nice - genially it is females being sexually USED as a commodity by a male, or several males. It has nothing to do with a healthy loving relationship, it is merely human copulation at it's worse..at best a few minutes of excessive groaning, close ups of genitals one would normally only share with their gynaecologist, women who have more silicone than a factory full of Barbie dolls.
But you say you have a good sex life....but do you have lots of INTIMACY? Or is sex only brought on by him watching porn, can, and do you have sex, make love without him watching porn at all? I'm asking this, as your description of the amount he watches would suggest perhaps not.
I must have been lucky but none of the guys I've had relationships with have ever used, or wanted to watch porn, before, during or after having sex...IF and when ever they might have used porn, and YES I know all men like to look at the female form, no problem with that, just HOW and WHEN they do it is the problem. Surely pornography, or anything that is not strictly mainstream, be used with consideration and discretion, as I'm sure, if your partner knew YOU were in some room with the door closed, watching some guy on the internet plugging away at his male member, whilst you drool all over the computer screen, would he be so keen?
If you find the amount he watches porn undermines you, your home life, then you are perfectly entitled to say to him, you are equals, and your feelings should be considered.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (10 September 2010):
 paying for porn is stupid, there is more than enough good free porn unless he is looking for something that is overly specific...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Hey nothing is real in porn, it's all a fake act so that people get turned on. Their bodies have got more plastic surgeries then Micheal Jackson (sorry may he RIP). I don't really know why men watches porn, but I do know that most of them who watches it doesn't want to be with a porn star, nor do they want their wives looking like them. I've asked many men myself and they all answered me in this way. So don't worry and enjoy your sex life :)
NightFairy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Hello,
Do not for a minute think that you are inadequate or you need to change yourself to look like these women. Your partner looks at porn for the same reason most men look at porn: for a bit of variety. That does not mean he does not love you and does not mean you are not good enough.
He will view the porn and then forget about it. If he searches for one girl in particular then you will notice that after a few weeks it will be a different girl...and a few weeks later, another girl. It's just flavour of the month, so to speak.
In reality I highly doubt your partner wants you to look like them and nor does he secretly crave to be with one of those porn girls. YOu see, porn stars have a VERY limited shelf life- and they usually have messed up real lives too. Most , if not all come from harrowing backgrounds, and rarely do they truely love the profession they are in. They are stigmatised, disliked and basically used for cheap five minute thrills. A lot of them get used up quickly and discarded. So you do not want to be one of these women and at the core of it you partner does not want to date one of these women.
You have what most people dream of, a loving partner and lovely children. Enjoy that and forget about all this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Don't sweat it. Guys just like looking at porn. And so do many women. Don't think less of yourself, simply because he likes to watch other people having sex on video. If your sex-life is good - that's your best indicator. What will ruin it is bugging him about his online interests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I am a little older than you, do I feel I have to compete with porn stars? Nope, nothing feels as good as real, you don't have to change anything, you are more than good enough. You've said it yourself you have a good sex life, relax and enjoy your man, and enjoy being the woman you are.
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