A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my long tearm boyfriend split up this week. We have a 2 month old baby and we both agreed that, he would have are daughter for 3 day at his home and 1 night. This means that I would be takeing care of her for 4 days and 6 nights. Their is only one problem with this, If feel totaly nervouse about him haveing her over night. I feel shacken with nerves about her been gone for a whole night. The worst thing about the situation is that, he will be liveing on the edge of whales and I in midlnads, england. It's about an hour in the car. I have no problem with my x boyfriend seeing are daughter, but I just don't know if it feels right him haveing her for the night just yet. She just feels far to young to spend the night away from her mom. When she's older, I would be happy for him to have her for the whole weekend. To be honest I feel a little bit pushed into this situation and I'm not entierly comfertable with it. The worst thing is I promissed him that I wouldn't change my mind and I don't know what to do now for the best :-(. I'm just so scared now. He said if I was going to mess him about then he would go for full acsess. ANY HELP PLEASE
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou not my name, that was the egzact point I was trying to make. I myself use to smoke weed when I was 17/18 and just stopped one day because I didn't like it and I don't think that it agreed with me as I use to get paranoide.It's just something a'lot of young people do or try out. I am apserlutly fine, It has not affected me as a mother or person. I'm doing just fine.
True it does effect people in diffrent ways as we are all diffrent.
I can berlive that layers and police officers do smoke it. That dosen't suprise me at all. It's as if they have this tag they are not human or something.
Well done not my name, sound like you did well for yourself their.
Who here drinks alchol? well did you know that if it got brought into the country now then that would be a class A drug. Weed is class B i think so alcahol is actuly worse. It is just because weed hasn't been ligalised that makes it all the more worse.
What my boyfriend does with his daughter in his time is no buisness of mine. The only time know one will be around the baby is when he puts her to bed and thats it.
I trust him to take fully good care of her I was just a bit conserned with the message someone sent me and that is why I posted on here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I didn't really think that it was relative me putting that he smokes weed on here because it makes no diffrence to his parenting abilitys.
I do know him well I have been liveing with him for everyday of my life since I was 18.
Why did I post on here if I didn't want peoples personal oppinions because I thought this was a supporte site I didn't expect to get personaly attacted, especily as I'm going frew enough already. Ok so I'm not asking everyone to be like he shouldn't have acsess to her or what not because that wouldn't be helpful, I was just after some constuctive advise. Especily when I didn't even say I wasn't stopping him frowm seeing her. I was just worried after somebody had sent me that message last year. I have a'lot of other mothers saying no don't do it she's to you so Iwas just so convused.
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reader, Angzw  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Wow this post has taken off! To the mother: I think you truly know your baby daddy more than we could and you insist that he has already proven himself so far. So since you have made a decision, just monitor as closely as possible and watch the baby carefully for any signs of distress. All the best for you and your family in future.
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reader, Not My Name  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Well I for one am not gunna change my tune coz the ex is a pot smoker.
I don't do that myself, but have/did half a life time ago, and I know oodles upon oodles of productive and responsible members of society who partake(including police officers, lawyers, teachers, etc) and without being any less upstanding people than the next. Don't judge a book by it's cover!
As I see it, alcohol is actually the worse drug creating more societal problems for the simple reason that marijuana generally creates a more calm, controlled, and relaxed high than alcohol which tends to make people do silly, ill judged, and sometimes out of control things. Yet, .. many view marijuana as worse simply because it is not legalized by most governments. More and more tho are decriminalizing it!
I can't catagorically disagree with the side effects in all instances that it can cause to SOME people, and for that reason would never give it a blanket advocation, ... but list it next to the effects of alcohol and we really are not looking at anything worse than what society and the law accepts.
I did most of my 'stone head' days whilst in secondary school, ..and I was a major piggy to say the very least. Yet, I was top of almost all my classes, got honors WITHOUT ever having to study - and because (despite the stereo type), I have always had an unusually proficient memory that can rip out dates, quotes, precedents, and all sorts of generalized trivia I hardly even noticed going in to it. This never altered during my pot smoking days! I was dux of my graduating class, got in to my first choice course at Uni and had other ringing me trying to entice me in to taking placements at theirs. I have gotten every job I have ever applied for, ... including in medical and legal professions, ... and my first full time job (I held the same part time job for 6 years during my schooling - whislt mostly stoned) was as an office manager and yep, I went to work stoned half the days of the week and was totally indespensible in keeping the place running smoothly and efficiently.
So as far as I am concerned, we just can not apply these discernments to everyone. That said, ... my ex indulged for a little while early in in our relationship, and it was just not right for him, he did suffer paranoia, memory probs, etc, when under the influence, ..so I am not saying it is ok, ...it was not ok for him, ... but since I am anon on this site, let me add my ex was a police officer. Oh, the shock horror - but at least he was nit using harder stuff like a lot of his work mates were! So don;t look around and presume anything about anyone who does it, or what anyone is like because they do it.
If the poster KNOWS her own ex to be quite fine after a toke, then she knows better than the rest of us. Let's not start automatically and misinformedly denying visitation to dad's who have a joint or a cone, unless we wanna think we should start denying visitation to dad's who have a beer or two of the evening. Let's not assume one effect is greater than another just coz it is different!
Anyway, off my soap box, .. but I hear ya OP and trust you have a good enough assesment of the situation that you would take preventative steps if you felt that neccessary!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionceliaaletta, just been frew your mesages properly now I have a bit more time on my hands. Well their is no personal problem with my x boyfriend, berlive you me if I had a personal problem with him seeing her then don't you think I would stop him from seeing her altogether. I've heard of plenty of women that do that. I did mentioned he was haveing such and such time to spend with her. Who am I to desised, we actuly aranged these days together. If we didn't then the courst would have and I don't think them knowing he smokes weed would do him any favours. How would they know do you ask? he has weed convictions on his criminal record. I have told him and his family that no one will be missing out on the baby because I berlive in karam for one, and don't need the stress for two because whats ever happening bettween us are baby will be the one that has to be around it all. Thats why we are both being as amicable about this a possible.The resson I posted this message was because of a message somebody sent me wich I posted on here so even though I wasn't stopping him, I had my concerns after reading this. Just like say for example a health visitor would have if she saw bruises on a childs body. She would want to look into it just like I have done with this. NO, NO, NO, NO, don't read to deep into that, I wasn't saying my baby has bruises on her body or anything like that, I was just giveing an example . So why did I pick him for the farther of my child you may be thinking, wich im guessing you may well be thinking, that would be none of your buisness. You should try being less judgmental because one day fate might give you a tougth time and you will need supporting. One day you may well see what it's like to be a mother and understand why mothers are so protective of their babys. Theirs no love like it in the world and nothing you wouldn't do for your baby.All mother worry about their children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): If you don't care about people's personal opinions then why post on here in the first place?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Why didn't you put that he smoked weed in the original post? Don't you think you would get better/more useful answers if people aware of the full situation? Of course people are going to change their tune if we hear he smokes lots of pot, what do you expect? But that's your fault for somehow deciding to omit that part from your question as though it doesn't really matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionceliaaletta, just been frew your mesages properly now I have a bit more time on my hands. Well their is no personal problem with my x boyfriend, berlive you me if I had a personal problem with him seeing her then don't you think I would stop him from seeing her, clearly not as I mentioned he was haveing such and such time to spend with her. I remeber quite rightly saying to him and his family that no body was going to miss out and the baby because I
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwich is the resson im glad that I dont smoke it. Your not comeing out with your comments now about how it should be fair are you! now you know my situation.
well I know plenty of people who smoke weed and mange to take care of their children on a daily basis just fine (even mothers). If he took anythink other than weed then I would'nt let him have her for the night because then he wouldn't be consiouse to what he was doing and would be dangerouse.
Before you come out with any comment that he could go onto takeing more stuff or do it behind my back then let me tell you this, I was with him for nearly 7 yrs so I know him well and know he wouldn't do anything else. Just like I know thats he perfectly capable of takeing care of his child because he took care of are new born the 1st two weeks she was born because I wasn't able to do much with the stitches. He cookded all are foodand did the cleaning in those 2 weeks. He always helped me with domestic chorse, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. I don't think their is anything you can say to that other than your personal oppinion wich I don't really care what you have to say because your just some doo gooder
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the message angzw. I agree with you, I don't think celiaalett really knows what she's talking about, sorry no offence. she would understand what it's like to worry for your child if she was a mother. Well angzw, thats probably the best thing to do is go with my gut feeling as all reponces are diffrent and the gut feeling is normaly right. I trust my x boyfriend 110% that he would take fully good care of are baby as he's already shown me that he's cable of takeing care of her. He's a bit finiky when it comes to putting her clothes on but he's done really well with her feeding, bathing her and changeing her nappys. He loves his daughter to bits and is such a loveing careing dad, he showers her with all his love and would not put her life in danger for anyone or anything. His friends have children aswell, the ones that smoke weed. If it was anything other than weed, their would be no way I would let him have her for the night. With canabis it dosent really make you high as such like other ilegal substances, it chills you out and can make you a bit lazy. He smokes it everyday so it's got to the point were he dosent feel normal when he dosent smoke it. I don't condone it by any means but I carn't forse him to quite, especialy as I'm not his girlfriend anymore. He smokes it everyday and still maneges to take care of his daughter so I know she will be fine in that respect. I think if he was looking after his daghter, he wouldn't be with his friends because he would want to spent qulity time with her. We put her to bed at 7 o'clock everynight so thats quite time so I don't think he would have friends in when shes gone to bed. He is staying at his moms house and letting me and his daughter stay here for temp so we are not on the streets. So he would have his parents help if needs be. I don't think he would want or need them to help him out though personaly.
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reader, Angzw +, writes (30 January 2010):
Celiaaletta: my message was directed at the mother who posted the question, not at you. So no need for "double standard" accusations. You are clearly not a mother and my comment was directed to someone who had actually experienced motherhood my dear.
To mother, your partner, by your own admission takes drugs and you are sending your 2 month old to his place? At the end of the day its your decision with your child, but I would suggest you monitor closely. Because if something happens to this child it will be too late for "should've would've could've". You can't take it back. You can trust the father all you like but do you trust the other people who will be there while your daughter is lying helpless in the cot? His weed buddies don't have the paternal instincts that he does; when he is high will he be able to monitor the situation or wake up 3 or 4 times at night to attend to a colicky baby? At the end of the day its your decision. You have received good but different opinions here. Go with your instincts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think after reading all of these messages, careing guy has influenced me the most becasue his message is kind and realistic, I do want him to have a good bond with his daughter as I don't want her to miss out. Your obviously called careing guy for a resson :-). I think that the over protective mommy is comeing out, carn't help it, it's a built in mecanisum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat msg down below is the one that someone posted to me that is the resson why I'm so conserned with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I think that you're trying your best to be fair and decent, and to do right by your baby and her father - which is very good of you, and the proper way to behave. Hold on to this.BUT. You haven't had a baby yet, so it's all a new experience for you. In terms of parenting, yes, a baby has two parents, but although they share things like loving the baby, they have different roles. In the first 12 - 18 months of your baby's life, and especially in the first few months, the baby's mother is the most important parent. I'm not saying the father isn't - he comes a very very close second - but the baby is physiologically wired to be dependent on the mother, and to need her first above all others. The main reason for this is v sensible: in the wild, without a mother the baby would die. Without a father she could survive.So, I suggest you don't make any firm plans about childcare or arrangements or ANYTHING, until you have the baby. And then I think your baby's father should see the baby in your home. And I think that if he ever does take her off, it can't be for more than half an hour or so, for a walk in the pram. Babies shouldn't be without their mother when they are so long. I don't know if you're going to breastfeed her (that's another thing - very very important - you should have a go at that - it will be such a joy for you and the baby, and make the two of you bond so differently to if you bottlefeed) (it's also a hell of a lot cheaper and easier!!!!!!!!) - if you breastfeed, he can't go for longer than that, because she might want a feed, or just to be near your skin, the sound of your voice, your presence. You will be the No.1 reassuring person for your baby. Daddy needs to be there as well, and to become another source of love and closeness, but she will miss you if away from you, and it not only isn't fair to do that to her, but damaging for her.I think that if there is a chance of you two getting back together, so long as all is OK between you, that would be the best thing. Don't think of the baby as something that can be passed around between the two of you, because at this young age, she simply can't.Right now you need to find somewhere safe and supportive to bring your baby home to. Can he help you, or your family?Let me know if I can give any other help or advice. : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the messages. Firstly, I'm not breatfeeding my baby as she wouldn't take to it so theirs no problem their. Secondly, I more than trust my babys farther to take care of are daughter as I had stitches and was in pain for 2 weeks after she was born so he did more than his fair share of takeing care of her so their is no problem their, plus he makes a really good daddy. He can look after her just as good as I can, he's just not as confident with her as I am.I am NOT stopping him from seeing his daughter as she is both ares and I did actualy state that in the question that he would be haveing her at his place. Yes I will be with her more, but god gave me the body to carry my baby for 9 months and be a mother for a resson. I was the one that ended are relationship!! It does feel like he wants to be mr mom sometimes, but at least he cares alot I geuss although it's annoys me abit. HA,HA,HA, I never drink so I'm devently not a raging alcoholic. If anything he smokes a'lot of weed.The resson I posted this question was because I walked out, 8 weeks before my due date and posted a question on here saying, how soon after she is born should he be able to have acsess and for how long. I got a responce and It has never left my mind since we broke up, again for the last time. It basicly said that babys are physiologically wierd to depend on the mother. The post said that it could be damaging for the baby. (I'm going to post the msg on here in a sec).Ok so this might not be true but What the post say's, but What if a child was being abused and a socail worker thought this isn't right and didn't take the time to find out if their was any danger. My point is, I would feel that I was being iresponcible if I wasn't to do some research after someone told me this.
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reader, Angzw +, writes (30 January 2010):
It is a bad idea to pack off your child for a night away at this young age. Who are you doing this for? Your baby or the father? A baby's routine should not be interrupted for the first 6 months to 1 year of life. Stability is key to a well adjusted child. If he wants to be with her then incooporate him into a daily routine. The baby needs to trust one adult who they see daily in order to be able to form bonds with others in future as well. Nature made an allowance for this through breastfeeding which forces the mother to be with the baby constantly. Even if you are bottle feeding, if your husband cares about the baby then he should wait until the baby's immune system and feeding habits are more stable. On a personal note, I shudder to think of him having the blokes over to help him watch the baby, maybe a beer here and there, passing out with the baby crying for love and attention. Maybe if baby cries too much and is given a sip of beer to make her sleep. Or left sleeping while they pop off to the pub. If you have doubts then there are reasons for it. No amount of feministic thinking is going to make a father a better parent of a 2 month old than the birth mother in most cases. Stop this experiment with your baby. If he decides to sue I would love to meet the judge that will give him a 2 month old. Just renegotiate that when she is 6 months old or 1 year onwards then he can have her over. Personally, I would wait until the child is old enough to speak and tittle tattling on what has been happening while she was over there. What if one of his mates is a paedophile? Men are very trusting of others in most cases. Rather deal with the courts and appeal to the judge to give your baby more time. Contact your local La Léche League for advice and perhaps the nurses at the baby clinic. If however, you are forced into the arrangement, try encourage him to have his mother over for the time the baby sleeps over. Above all, go with your instincts. All the best.
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reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 I agree with "female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010" for the most part. Also, having a baby is a BIG deal. Your daughter has only been here for a short time. (If you were nursing, it would be a no brainer.) The fact that your ex is suggesting such an extended visit and making you "promise", threatening you if you don’t, is very questionable behavior and doesn‘t tout well for him. Don't bind yourself to the promise, and don't promise anything else again to him. Focus on the best interest of your daughter. Soon after having a baby, your thoughts and feelings are all in turmoil, it is such an awesome, overwhelming and beautiful situation! Keep your contact with him to an absolute minimum and don't do or say anything that can be used against you in the future. Be a great mom and let him continue to be the jerk he is. Yes Dads have rights but this just isn't the time for her to be gone from mom so much. Many parents threaten "going for full custody rights" but many variables come into play when judges and family services make decisions about visitation rights. Let him take you to court if he will.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 January 2010):
I'm sure it is scary, as the other posts have said. But don't think that your ex won't be able to cope. Your child will be perfectly safe. And to be fair, you have a big majority. It will be far better for the welfare of your child to allow this. He and your daughter need to be able to bond properly, otherwise they won't have a good relationship later in life. Your daughter will be safe and completely happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): Hello. I think you are still bonding with your daughter and she should be left where she is. At home with one happy parent and following a stable sensible routine. Breaking up with a partner is sad but it should have as little impact on children as possible. They are human beings and shouldnt be used as commodities to be `shared` out on a rota basis and shuttled from pillar to post. If the parent leaving wants to see the child, let them suffer the inconveniences of visiting, not the baby.
You only gave birth a few weeks ago and now you have split up with your partner. Now is not a good time for you to be trying to strike deals. So sit yourself down and have a good think about things, decide whats best for your daughter. Dont take any notice of your ex saying he will go for full custody if you change your mind. Thats blackmail and wouldnt work anyway. No one is going to take your baby away from you just because you disagree with a plan he is trying to bully you into. He should be concerned with paying child support now, not loafing around threatening you because he wants to be Mr Mum. Tell him to come visit his daughter at her home and to get a job. He needs to start supporting his child if he wants her to have a good life x
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reader, Not My Name +, writes (30 January 2010):
I know motherly instincts make us think no one can care for our babies as good as we can. However, what I had to remind myself of when I split with my ex whilst having a young baby was that we both became parents at the same time, neither of us knew what we were doing until thrown in the deep end and having to do it, and that therefore, I was no more an expert or more capable than his dad.
If you think about it, even if you provided most of the care whilst you were together, you still only have two months up your sleeve and he can't be too far behind in ability already, and certainly not too far behind that he can't learn to acquire the same degree of skill in parenting as you possess.
It seems you have maintained a civil communication level, so don't forget you can ring up when she is there and remind him of things that need to be done. He may be on to them already, but it will make you feel better to be able to dbl check anyway. If things are ok between you, you will most likely also find that if he is a little unsure of anything he will call you up himself to ask. He will probably call his own mum at times too and hey if she raised him, she certainly has some valuable input to help him with raising his own child.
I've let go of most of my panic merchant thing when my son goes to his dads (every afternoon for a few hours and 2 nights a week) but initially I use to write instructions on everything with a black texta (lol) I got the cups you can sit inside baby bottles and would have the formula pre packed in correct portions and with pre boiled water in them, ... stuck a note to his fridge about throwing food out if not all eaten, a reminder why he HAS TO steralize things (he has a 'she'll be right' attitude and could overlook something like that without the importance of why drummed in to his head lol) and as he has become a toddler (21mnths now) I have done other things, ...like put sunscreen by his back door to remind him little people burn easily outdoors, shampoo in his bathroom that won't sting little eyes, ... stuff like that. Not so often now, ..but I used to even cook and take food around to make sure our son was getting decent meals instead of custard, ice cream and bacon sandwiches that are his dad's staples.
He never minded me doing any of this stuff either, and never got shitty if I was nagging about something. Most surpisingly tho, ..now he knows what he is doing, he even does shopping and brings clothes, food, nappies, etc, around to me! He even came and baby proofed my new house for me - drawer latches, power point covers, etc, etc. So I know he is contientious about safety too!
I still like to think I have the 'mothers edge' (lol) but honestly, he would have to be 95% there on anything I would do, so I just try to chill out and not sweat the small stuff coz it is pretty minor in comparison to them getting to spend so much time together.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (30 January 2010):
 I know it's scary to part with your child, but you already have her for the majority of the time. He's her daughter too, and he deserves to connect with her as well. You already have her the majority of the time, and I'm sure he's a perfectly fit dad to take care of him. Trust me, you don't want to get into a court battle over this if you can avoid it. It's natural to want to be with her and protect her, but being away from you for just one night absolutely will not hurt her. She's not going off on her own, she's going with her dad who loves her and wants to spend time with her. It won't hurt her, it will just be hard for you. After she spends a few nights with him you'll realize she's just fine and it's nice for him to bond with her. Though if she's still breast feeding I could understand your concerns, which are very legitimate. If she is still breast feeding, try negotiating a little say my offering him an extra day in exchange for the night just for the time being.
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