A
female
age
,
*urly58
writes:I have been married for thirty years and I have a problem with my husband flirting with my friends, women,calling them Babe, etc... A few years ago, at the end of a wedding reception I noticed that he was missing along with my girlfriend of more than thirty-five years. I went looking for them for what seemed like 20-25 minutes and then they just seemed to appear walking down the hall (we were staying at a hotel). They were both drunk and he swears that he doesn't remember anything - of course we got into an argument -- but how can you argue with someone who claims they don't remember. This happened again last summer...we were at a party of one of my husband's co-worker's and my husband disappeared with his co-worker's wife (he was drunk again) I couldn't find them anywhere. About 10 minutes later they came from the house into the yard acting as if nothing happened. We left soon after and I was furious! Of course he claimed the next day that he doesn't remember doing that - he became very upset and started crying saying how much he loves me etc. I have been putting up with his flirting and gawking at other women and I am tired of living like this. I feel as if I can't trust him when he is drinking - if he acts that way when I'm around how is he acting when I'm not there. He did cheat on me 1x when we were married for 2 years and he knows how this almost destroyed me. I don't know if I can live with someone who I can't trust. When we go out I don't even enjoy myself - I'm always waiting for him to flirt or gawk and I can't stand living like this anymore. He is a different person when he is drinking otherwise he is a great husband and very supportive of me and our children. He only drinks when we go out or are at a party. This may sound naive, but do people really not remember things when they are drinking - it has never happened to me.
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female
reader, Misti Hdz +, writes (4 May 2008):
 First things first. You should tell him (beings he don't remember) and tell him that the drinking needs to stop if he can't control himself while intoxicated. Another thing is I remember everything the day after, and I mean every little thing that happens, although not everyone is like me. My personal opinion I don't believe that he doesn't remember that is just the popular excuse that seems to save their ass everytime. One time I was pregnant with my first son, and my husband had some friends over for new years eve, and they were all drinking. My husband passed out later on and I was still awake. I walked outside to lock up my vehicles and one of his friends came out and started to rub on me saying that he needed me, and I told him to stop, he tried to force me to do it and I was so afraid to fight him because I was pregnant and if he was drunk enough to do this, than he was probably drunk enough to hit me back. After about 10 minutes of this horror my neighbor walked out and he stopped. He finally went into the house and went to sleep and I went to my room and locked the door. The next morning he whispered to me "Don't say anything please" but I had already told my husband, but he told him that he didn't remember and therefore it was excused, he just wasn't allowed back at the house. So you see that is just an excuse that people have used for years because it always work because no one can prove what someone remembers and what they don't remember.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Excuses, excuses. I think he just doesn't remember what he chooses not too. Selective. You have children, they do it too to keep themselves out of trouble. They hear what they want too, and not what they don't.
The issue here is not only claiming he doesn't remember, but repeating behavior he claims he doesn't remember under. If I truely black out, and know alcohol is the cause of, drinking would stop. That would be an experience I would not want repeating.
Personally I don't think he's being honest with you. He may not be able to control himself under the influence, which is still reason for him to stop drinking. We are all responsible for knowing our limits, and behaviors under those limits. If we cross them into an area we lack control, that too and the behavior of is still our responsability and the accountability of our actions.
I'd tell him, drunk or not, plain and simple he is responsible for his behavior, and needs to take responsibility of it. Let him know, no more excuses will be accepted because he knows how his behavior is under those circumstances.
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