A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel hopeless, violated and disrespectedI have been with the same man for over 7 years, also we love each other very much, of late it seems like nothing is happening. We have some problems, but three of the most prominent are the constant interference from his family, the blocking of (for me) important subjects and a constant tiredness on his behalf which he uses as an excuse so he doesn’t have to help me, talk to me or do something fun.I’ll try to explain it a bit better… his family. They are not horrible people, and I get along with them fine most of the time, but even though they know I have different views they constantly try to force their view onto me. When I met my partner (we are still not married, nor engaged) I was a vegetarian, I didn’t eat meet because I love animals, I never told him to stop eating meat nor did I make him feel bad for eating it. It is his choice and I am open enough for people to have their own views about it. When I ate at his parents house I would eat everything that was on the table except meat, and I was polite saying no thank you, not making a fuss or anything. It started with them telling me I should eat meat because you supposedly need it (I believe the thousands of healthy vegetarians are prove enough that it is not necessary the case as long as you eat a balanced diet) to get back to my dilemma, His mother then started putting fish and meat into my food, in such small pieces that she thought I would not see, of course I could taste it and she claimed it was no fish- just anchovies… Well just for the record anchovies are fish. The real problem here is that his family is disrespecting my views. This was years ago and I started eating meat again, pretty much to feel respected by them, but due to this, lost a lot of respect for myself. On the weekend I couldn’t handle it anymore. We went to an old couple that has a farm in the country, my BF his parents and me, they all speak a different language and even though I don’t understand it they don’t make any effort to speak English, (which is my second language as well) so we can all have a good conversation. I just sit there and play with the cat or try to understand what they say without any luck. All of a sudden the lady of the house got up and went outside. I was wondering what she was doing and soon got the shock of a lifetime. She killed three of her chickens and brought them in to get plugged. (I am getting sick just thinking about it) I cannot handle the sight or sound of animals getting killed and my BF and his parents know that, yet they did nothing to warn me, nor take me away from the situation. They once again disrespected my feelings and views. I know that people kill animals and eat them, I just don’t want to be part of it, I think I am quite fair there even though a bit of a hypocrite because I started eating meat again. When I got very upset because of it my bf didn’t even stand up for me. He claims he had a talk to them the next day. I don’t know what he said; he doesn’t want to talk about the subject. I am feeling so violated at the moment, disrespected and alone. I have nobody in this country, my family lives in Europe. I just don’t want to talk to his parents anymore, but he obviously doesn’t want to take sides either. The other problems are that we have been trying for a baby for over three years and every time I feel sad because it hasn’t happened again he doesn’t even try to make me feel better by giving me a hug or anything. When I asked him to get a sperm test (I have done many tests already and I am fine) it took him one year before he went to do it, one year! - even though I went to the doctor to get a prescription for him and all he had to do was drop the sample of at the lab. I don’t know what to do anymore, I have dreams and aspirations but they all include him and when I sometimes think I should leave him I get very upset because it would mean I would have to give up my dreams as well. Is he ever going to stand up for me? Should I leave and try to find a new life without him? I love him, but cannot take the disrespect of his parents anymore… and his effortless behaviors.Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I know how you feel more than anyone and I too am vegetarian and have suffered the same with my in laws bullying me, making snide remarks and giving me the impression it would 'all be a bit easier for everyone' if I started eating meat again. I will never eat meat but in your case I think the problem is your partner of 7 years. He sounds like my husband. He would rather I suffer the abusive comments and take the pressure of his family than him stand up for me. My husband makes out I exaggerate it all and that its my problem if I can't take the comments. Now he goes to see his family and I don't - I refuse. They all sit there and bitch about me I know this because my husband gets text messages from his family saying how sorry they are he's with me. In my opinion it does not get any better and you have already been with this man for 7 years and he still cannot find it in himself to back you up like a real man. What would happen if you did have children? Would they be bullied and criticised and would you over the way you bring up your children? Would your husband back you or your children up? If you doubt it then I would really get out while you can. As I said... it gets no better the longer it goes on but your sense of self worth and confidence will deeply affected. I am leaving my husband because of it I have already decided its just a case of when as I need some finances behind me. In the meantime you may be interested in this link also from this website http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-in-laws-hate-me-and-my-husband.html
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Have you talked to him about your feelings? I understand that it was very upsetting for you to have his mom sneak meat in and for you to see what happened to the chickens. That was indeed very disrespectful of his mom. It was also disrespectful of your boyfriend not to include you in the conversation in some way.
I think that you should tell your boyfriend that you would feel better if he stood up for you while you're there. However, he did say he talked with them about it, which is much better than pushing it under the rug.
Have you asked him for hugs when you're depressed? It never hurts to ask. Just because it wasn't his idea doesn't mean he can't give you what you need.
Only you can decide if his and his parents' actions are dealbreakers. Talk to him about your issues and really weigh the pros and cons of how you feel.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, LoveDocBruce +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Hello anonymous 30-35 year old,
Certain views have always been one of the main reasons why families hate the family member's partner. That's normal. What's not normal is your man not sticking up for you.
That means you are going to have to stick up for yourself. If that means bringing your own food to their house for dinner, then do it. If that means spending money on Rosetta Stone language software (just trying to make a point, not advertising) so you can understand what they say about you, then do it. Stick up for yourself. You may find that the family respects you because you stand up for what you believe in, and learning their language. If they get even more mad at you, then move. Haha. Just kidding, throwing in some humor.
As for the "energy crisis," try playing out a fantasy. One night when he is sleeping, tie him to the bed, and start talking dirty. Or something else that's not just sex. Make it different. You may be the one that has to plan everything, but damnit, you are getting that baby! (Remember, missionary is the most promising position for child birth)
If you use my advice, let me know. Let me know how it works out for you if you do decide to use it.
Good luck!
-LoveDocBruce
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I think you are not respected by your partner or his family and they are having their way with you. It's time for you to put your foot down if you feel your needs are just being left behind. Be demanding. Ask for what you want and be prepared to back up your demands with actions. You've waited long enough and changed yourself to the point your dislike yourself.
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