A
female
age
30-35,
*ebblesb
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years is the most caring and thoughtful person when it comes to just us - however this soon changes when his friends are involved. I made a huge effort with them including them on my nights out, letting them stay at my house, cooking for them and making efforts on birthday nights etc. But for some reason they have started bad mouthing me, saying my boyfriend is under the thumb, I cant join the gym they go to, not to go out on the same nights as them, making snide comments and generally avoiding me. I think its because on new years eve I refused to spoil my plans to go on a drunken night out with them all and my boyfriend stayed with me instead of them. They also have to see him at least 4 times a week, college, football, and 2 boys nights. Im most annoyed my boyfriend has to be nagged to stick up for me when they say these mean things and its makkng me doubt our relationship because I feel his loyalty lies with them. Does anyone else suffer with this?
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (29 January 2014):
 Greetings again pebblesb,
Do not let your own feelings be a reason to chain him down so to speak.
We all need friends and he has chosen his for his own reasons, if you try to get involved and micro manage his friendships, his opinion of you will divert to how his friends claim you are and you will lose him.
Instead do as myself and WiseOwlE have suggested, stand up for yourself, make a statement in subtle ways, talk to him and have a heart to heart discuss, not some 2 minute chat about this, really sit down and talk this through
A
female
reader, pebblesb +, writes (28 January 2014):
pebblesb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - yes that is true. Unfortunately I will admit that since this started I do resent him for seeing them now because it hurts he wants to hang with people that treat me like this & bad mouth our relationship. I feel like I've been forced To feel like this as natually I am laid back and encouraging for him to have time out but the more this continues I am getting insecure paranoid and feel undesired.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Trying to prove to his mates he's not "whipped." They are putting a lot more pressure on him than you are. Guys are pretty tough on each other; and he's bowing under peer pressure. That makes him weak and immature.
You are his girl, and he is supposed to protect you; if his mates are out of line with you. Not because you're having a tizzy-fit.
Don't take them on by yourself, that's egging them on to bully you. Then he has to go behind you to clean it up.
If you're with him, and they are rude to you. Get a cab or call someone to take you home. Best way to get a point across when someone refuses to listen, is to stop talking and go no contact; until they're ready to listen.
First, explain to him you've tried to tell him you're having a problem with his friends, and he isn't sticking up for you. If he needs to prove how much of a man he is, he has to prove it to you first. You're his girlfriend.
You have to put your foot down.
On the other-hand, you don't have a leg to stand on; if you're just being over-sensitive, and looking for excuses to dominate all his time and attention.
If you're trying to regulate his time and tell him when to come and go, he's going to go out more with his friends only to prove a point. So you both need to talk and compromise. Don't be wishy-washy. If you have an iron-clad argument, stand your ground with him. Don't take on the boys.
There are two-sides to every story. We get only to hear yours, and not his.
If he refuses to man up and defend his girl; and take control of his friends in order to restore order and make peace. Dump him, and let him go play with his little buddies. Go find yourself a man.
...............................
A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (28 January 2014):
Greetings,
Well the answer to your question is yes, many people suffer from this time and again on both sides of the gender gap and in both your side and your bf's side.
The thing we all must realise is that as a species we tend to have two faces, the one for when we are private (or with someone alone) and the face for the public face. Now this is no different from your bf. The case though is to talk with your bf (don't nag) and discuss with him about this situation.
Explained how this attitude makes you feel and ask him if he honestly feels you are controlling.
If he claims otherwise then ask him to stand up for yourself, don't nag as this will reinforce what his friends are saying
...............................
|
