A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently caught my husband masturbating to porn....since then I simply cannot bring myself to want to be intimate with him...I feel undesirable and cant help but notice all of the women looked about 15-20yrs younger than me (im in my 40s) and none had mommy bodies (scars etc). He tell me its not true that he finds them more attractive than me but if he truely desired women who looked like me, wouldnt he have sought them out (I know there are mature catagories available) Surely he would desire the body of a porn star like the ones he masturbated to? or else why did he do it? Please help, Im ready to leave because I simply cant accept that he desires my body more than theirs and I honestly dont want to be with someone who wants something different but knows he cant have it and has to settle for me.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 September 2008):
 Unless your husband is spending all his time watching porn and masturbating to porn, it's not as big an issue as you're making it. You may not like it but you need to cut the connection between porn and you. You can not control another persons thoughts. He should be a little more careful though while masturbating, how embarrassing.
If you had caught him masturbating in bed without porn, would you have cared? How would you know who he was thinking about? Maybe it was his first girlfriend? Was she the same body type as you?
It may be helpful for you to try and create a better self image of yourself. If you feel out of shape, maybe you can work on that. That is something that has to come from within you. If you're happy and confident with the state of your level of fitness then you shouldn't feel threatened.
The truth is that your partner can have someone other than you. The good news is that he hasn't acted out on that. He is with you. He loves you. Is your sex life good or stale?
You do not have to like porn. That is your choice. He could be more careful about his actions. The porn he watches though is not reality. If you can not come to some type of agreement or solve this for yourself maybe your relationship should be reconsidered. You have no guarantees about the next man though.
A
female
reader, vsnod  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Lots of people (or one person?) have been writing in about porn lately. I understand that it can hurt a woman’s ego to know their man likes looking at porn stars or whatever. But can you honestly say you have never looked at a handsome man, on the street or in an ad and thought 'that's a handsome guy'? Are you afraid he will fall in love with these women on a computer screen? Of course you know how ridiculous that is. I think you have some body image issues, and there may be some underlying problems in your marriage. Focus on that because unless he has a real addiction to porn, it is not the root of this problem.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (5 September 2008):
 OK, one more time. Porn is FANTASY. It has nothing to do with your husband's love for you, or how much he wants you.
Just because you dream that it might be nice to win a lottery or a sweepstakes and never have to work again, and you think about all the great times you might have, it doesn't mean that your job isn't satisfying you. It's just a fantasy. You know it's not something that's real. Most of us work at jobs that give us emotional satisfaction as well as a paycheck. (If not, we're in the wrong business.)
If the porn is actively interfering with your husband making love to you, then it's a problem you need to address. But if he's just watching the stuff, then it is absolutely no threat to you or to your marriage.
This is one of those issues that just seems to be very difficult to communicate between men and women. I don't know if they look at it differently or what. Of course the lines are not all that clear ... there are men who feel as you do about porn, and there are women who watch it and understand that it is just fantasy. But the biggest communication problems I've run into seem to be like the ones we have here.
Please don't ruin an otherwise good marriage over an issue that, in the end, just isn't worth it. Talk to your husband. Let him know that you feel threatened by this. But don't break things up over it. He certainly is not about to do something like that.
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