A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has recently requested anal sex, and he has also said he would like to ejaculate on my face.When he first asked if we could have anal sex I said no. I have tried it before (not actual sex, but similar) and didn't really enjoy it. I did hate it, but it didn't really do anything for me, and overall i would prefer not to. He seemed to accept this. However one time in the middle of sex he asked again, I said no. He asked if we could have sex in the 'doggy style' position which i accepted, then he asked me again! I then stopped and said that if he couldnt respect my decision then we couldn't have sex at all, because i felt like he didn't respect me. He apologised.Was this the right thing to do? He also seemed to think we could have anal sex without lube, which worried me.As for the second thing, I wouldnt really mind as such, but I question why. Is it a 'watch too much porn' thing or do some people get turned on by as i guess its quite submissive? I am also concerned as how safe it is, because I've heard if it gets in your eyes it can be really painful?If anyone has tried either of these acts, did you enjoy it? Just to add, aside from this he is a great boyfriend. And we do have sex without him mentioning these things!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): I agree that this guy is probably not interested in a long term respectful relationship with you. I would try to find a better partner who does respect you and what you want if that is what you want. Some men will try pressure to the point of harassment to get what they want sexually so be aware of this. I think he is just looking to experiment with someone and it won't feel good for you when he moves on if you're expecting a future with him. Many men, whatever they say to the opposite, will not respect you if you give them everything they want on a whim, especially when it comes to sex, so only do this if it is what you want.I'm against anal intercourse as I believe it is dangerous, and there are so many other ways to enjoy your body, but if you do want to do this it would be crazy to do it without lube, protection and preparation. You can cause damage to that area which is not meant to be penetrated and you can get stds much more easily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Ive had anal sex with my ex boyfriend a few times. But it took me a long time to cave in.. I waited till about a year and a half into our relationship. I honestly was curioous about it so finally after a few screw drivers i gave in. Most of the time it hurt and I made him stop but there was one time where I actually did enjoy it.. Of course he was stimulating me elsewhere to help me enjoy it more... Ive also let him cum on my face once... if your worried about it getting in your eyes make sure he indicates hes about to cum so you can close your eyes! Trying new things in itself is exciting but if you dont feel up for it dont let him try and talk you into it.. and definetely dont do it just to make him happy if you really dont want it!.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
 In important sex matters which you don't like, it's best to discuss outside the bedroom, where the heat of passion makes you less emotional.. Talk to him, and I'm sure he won't make that mistake again... Sure he might ask you, after a long gap, but it won't feel so disrespectful, and you won't worry and will easily say no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah it isn't something I will leave him over right now! I was just a bit upset(?) that he didnt listen to my opinion the first few times i said it.
Although I do agree - we should talk about it properly. As all the times we've talked about it have been in the 'heat of the moment' so not really a proper conversation. He probably just is hoping i would have changed my mind!
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 I didn't mean to say you find him horrible for doing this.. I just felt that others commented you should find a new boyfriend, as if this was such a horrible thing to do that you should leave him over it. I certainly do not think this is worth leaving him for, when it could be a completely innocent matter blown out of proportion.
If you don't want to have to say no several times then be firm about this and tell him you do not want him to ask again. Maybe he was hoping or thinking you'd change your mind, or didn't understand how adamant you were the first times you answered. I just wouldn't jump to saying you should leave him simply because he asked for something in the bedroom that you didn't take a liking to. Asking needs to be allowed, and men mess up just the same as women also mess up and make mistakes. If we left our partner by each mistake they did we'd never be in relationships. Making a mistake, such as asking for the same thing over and over, should be allowed as long as that mistake doesn't happen again.
If he starts to push for it and doesn't respect your answer, after you and him have had a good and solid talk about this (not just a little brief mentioning, have an actual discussion so there can be no misunderstanding) then you have a real problem. As for now I don't think this is anything to be worried about.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
Understood babes, I don't think he's horrible, just you two need to find your own way to negotiate sexual matters. I understand you've come for advice because you want to do things right. Porn as an issue is controversial and there are many views, against and for, porn is healthy and porn is not.. Search for pornography on Dear Cupid, and you will see lots of different beliefs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone who replied!
It wasnt so much the fact he asked, it was more that fact he asked twice in a short space of time. He has also asked a couple of times before. I just feel he hasn't really respected my desision to say no. I dont have a problem with trying new things, I just feel I shouldn't have to say no to something multiple times.
The 'watching too much porn' was a suggestion I had from a guy friend i asked about it. I didnt mean it was the main reason, and I didnt mean to make out that he was a 'horrible person'.
Im sure plenty of women and men have tried and liked both acts he suggested, I have was curious to hear about peoples experiences.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
Opps.. same goes for ejaculation on the face... do it if you like it, but say no if you don't. Some women like it, some women don't. Again, it's hard to say if it's influenced by porn or not. Research from the Kinsey Institute into sexuality were reporting all kinds of sexual acts as early as the 1940'a. (Kinsey and his wife were known to be into to "swinging") Women having been giving men oral sex for years, and I guess those that don't swallow might prefer it on the body instead. People do all kinds of things in the privacy of their bedroom. Here's a current post which is discussing exactly this issue and there are all different types of views. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-ejaculating-in-a-womans-mouth-more-degrading.html
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reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
Forget about the porn for the moment. What you and your boyfriend want to do in the bedroom is your business. Of course he has the right to ask you to do something, just as you have the right to say what you like and ask him for something. You both have the right to refuse and say no. If he's bad mannered enough to keep asking you, after you've told him no, you have every right to tell him you feel pressured and stop sex right away.
People have had anal sex for centuries. Lots of men like it, so do lots of women. But for centuries in many countries was punishable by death. Even now, in some places, even some states in the USA, anal sex (sodomy) is still illegal, even between a man and woman who are married.
Because of this, it's hard to know, how common anal sex was in the past, and if it's been affected by porn usage. So much has changed. For women my age and older, anal sex was something that was seen as painful, forbidden, and dangerous due to the risks of infection. But nowadays, contraception is better, there's more emphasis on having a good sex life and experimentation, anal sex is not against the law in most places.. everything has changed.
Who knows about the porn.. Did porn show anal sex to get more customers, or did customers refuse to buy porn unless it shows anal sex. It's a chicken and egg question. Many young people say the feel they have to do it, because everyone does. But then many people want to try it, because it seems to be the only "forbidden" sexual thing left to try.
Say "NO thank you" to the anal sex, and if he won't listen, really think carefully if you want to stay with someone who tries to bully you. Sex is about what makes both of you happy, even if every woman on here likes it, you don't and that's all that matters in this situation.
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reader, LustyLisa  +, writes (28 November 2011):
You need to have a conversation with him about respect, boundaries and repercussions should he fail to respect you in the future. I strongly disagree with chigirl on this issue largely because men are major manipulators when it come to pressure and coercion. They seem to think that they can wear you down in the heat of the moment which makes their actions excuseable. Unless and until you get him to respect you and your boundaries you are asking for more of the same treatment. We all teach others how to treat us and not calling out his disrespectfull and objectionable behavior without repercussions is more or less teaching him that he can do what ever he pleases to you. Make yourself, your boundaries and expected outcome clearly known should he disrespect you in the future and follow thru with it when/if it happens again.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (28 November 2011):
I got stuck at the wording here. He "requested" anal sex. What are you, a wending machine? Are you offering some service that he is paying for? He can't be "requesting" anything, you aren't a restaurant offering him things from some menu.
What happened here? Did he actually "request" it, or do you consider any suggestion as a request? Did he ask as a selfish desire to take you in the ass (requested it) or did he suggest it as a possible new and interesting things for the both of you (suggested it)?
The only way he can be "requesting" anything is if you have already given him the green light to treat you as some wending machine where he can just push a button and get what he wants. It's not a question of him watching too much porn or whatever. If he treats you like a whore that he can request things from it is because you have let him. No man I have ever been with has been "requesting" a service from me. Asking however, or suggesting, is totally normal. Couples will suggest to try new things all the time to make sex more interesting and not a dead routine. You shouldn't take suggestions to mean anything negative, or selfish, suggestions are there to improve your sex life, not just his, but for the both of you. You are entitled to make suggestions as well.
"He seemed to think we could have anal sex without lube". Anal sex can be done without lube. I don't see why this is so terrifying. He was just asking. Him pushing it, during that one act, probably comes from him being caught up in the moment. It is perfectly fine to then stop the sex and say it isn't working for you when he keeps saying he wants anal sex, or keeps asking if you can have it. The real question is if he will continue these "requests" or if it was only a suggestion that he will not suggest again.
I personally think you are adding way too much negativity to this. Your man isn't some horrible porn watching pig who wants to cause you pain for his own pleasure. He just suggested something new, it's not harmful or crazy to ask either. No, getting sperm in your face isn't harmful. If you get it in your eyes it's probably not comfortable, but soap in your eyes is by far more harmful. Actually sperm is great for your skin, it prevents wrinkles, and they use bull sperm in fashionable expensive anti-wrinkle creams and in hair salons in shampoos too. Sperm isn't dangerous for you, it only does you good.
As for anal sex, some people enjoy it, others don't, and just because he thought he could do it without lube doesn't mean he's some evil porn watcher. It just means you and him obviously haven't discussed it, which you should have, without you getting defensive. If you wanted lube then I am sure he would have agreed. Personally I've never used lube when I have had anal sex, natural lubrication has worked fine for me.
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reader, Flightfrk02  +, writes (28 November 2011):
Anal is best slow, and lots of lube, have done with my current gf, but, there's some foreplay needed. As for cumin in your eye, not a great idea, semen contains chlorine, acid and base, also your eye, other than your eyebrows, eyelashes and tears have no immune system. Good place for bacteria. Anal you can contact STD's, and he can also get an infection w/o a condom. Anal is a fixation because it's tight, and your not supposed to use that hole for sex, men are like babies, u tell them they can't have something, they want it more
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reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (28 November 2011):
 He watches too much porn. Porn makes these thing seem normal and easy, but it's really not. I've never tried either, but I'm sure semen in your eye is NOT pleasant, wouldn't you think?
If you dont want to do something, he really should respect your decision...
As for pain, I have a gay friend who is a little TOO open, and he's told me all about how he's had to find a good lube and keep it hidden from his parents, because lube is super important. If a guy needs it, then a girl needs it. And I'm sure it'll hurt, especially dry.
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