A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife is now entering into menopause. We never had a child. We talked about it now and again, but it was never a priority for us. There was a time when she said she wanted that experience, but I didn't take her seriously because - for one thing - we never had unprotected sex or even very much sex for that matter. She says she has some regrets, but she's not broken up about it as far as I can tell. I, however, feel really bad about it. The truth is that while the tremendous expense and investment in time is not exactly something that appeals to me, I probably would have had a child with another woman. The reality is that I do not think my wife would make a very good mother and that I would be shouldering a lot of the responsibility for something I am lukewarm about. With another woman I might have felt differently. I still love my wife and I do not think we need children in our lives to feel fulfilled, but I really feel guilty that when I told her I didn't want kids what I meant was "I don't want kids with you." Part of the reason this hits home for me is that my sister (who is 48 now) never had kids with her ex-husband. He told her he wanted them both to focus on their careers. Once they became very successful they divorced and he met a younger women with whom he had kids. My sister is very hurt by this, because he always said he didn't want kids. My sister tells me this like he was the biggest two-faced liar on the planet, but I can completely identify with him. Maybe the other woman really pressured him or maybe she (being a kept woman) was better suited to raising kids. Like I said, I have no plans to leave my wife. Yet I still have these feelings of guilt like I have not been 100% honest with her. My wife sometimes talks about adopting now and I really don't want to do that either - not with her. It sounds terrible to say, but she's just not a woman I'd want raising kids. So I keep lying and saying I am deadset against it and I feel terrible. Are these feelings normal? How I can relieve myself of these guilty feelings?
View related questions:
divorce, her ex, liar, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I see a lot of contradictions and confusion in what you're saying here:1- "I am not sure if I will be able to deal without ever having children. I've never wanted any with anyone and it's not something that concerns me very much at the moment."Which is it? why are you even asking a question here if it's not something that concerns you much at the moment? 2- "I love my wife"- the way you speak about your wife here doesn't make it sound like you love her, at the least you don't respect her very much and you see her as a burden, so I'm wondering why you married her.3- You decided in your head that she wouldn't be a good mother for the reasons you've given and that you don't want children with her, but when she turned 37 you started "hinting" to her that she had better think about having a child soon before it was too late. Were you planning on being the father and did you suddenly change your mind about her potential as a mom?None of what you have written here makes much sense.My advice is, if this is a serious question, have a long talk with your wife and then you can both decide what to do when you're both honest about what you really feel and want. I think you're in a co-dependant relationship with your wife and you want to use her problems in order to avoid looking at your own reservations about having children and about making that decision or not as well as looking at your own problems in general. You seem to be saying you're too much of a coward to have made the decision to have a child, so you want a stronger woman to do it for you and you also want her to take on most of the childcare? Would a stronger woman be an uneducated kept woman who doesn't focus only on her career but who also "pulls her own weight"???
A
female
reader, Curiouser  +, writes (15 January 2012):
Hey, although I don't think what you're telling your wife isn't that far away from the truth, I think you need a frank conversation with each other.What you're telling her about having kids is essentially everything that she needs to know - 'I don't want to have children with you'. IF she wants to start a family more than she wants to stay with you, she has the choice to leave the marriage before it's too late. So long as she knows this before it's too late- and it sounds as though you've always been honest about this with her, and have actually offered that you would have been prepared to if she'd really wanted to when you warned her 'if you want to have kids before it's too late, you'd need to decide soon'.She knows everything that she needs to know within the context of your marriage on this front.If she's now considering adoption seriously, then you simply need to be as honest with her about this as you were about having your own children. Don't pretend anything if you wouldn't want to go ahead with it.You've said that you're actually not intending to leave her anyway, so you can't really be intending on starting a family with anyone else you might meet if you did. But... you seem to have brought this up as a real possibility. Is that simply because you don't want to be the ex that your sister is angry with?IF you did separate, and then IF you did meet someone else, and then IF you did decide to start a family- once you were divorced and with someone new, any life decisions would be between you and your new partner- they wouldn't effect your wife either way.The key thing for you, would be to consider IF you do 'NEED' to have kids one day- because if you're going to have to leave your wife in order to achieve this in the long run, you'd only increase the hurt by prolonging that decision.You need to talk through what you both or don't want within the context of your marriage, and then decide if you can each be truly happy with that. If either one of you -or both, need a life that the marriage can never offer, it might involve some tough, but necessry decisions for you both to be truly happy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): If her behavior or her mental health and her behavior is an issue, I can understand why you wouldn't want to raise a child with her...apologies if I made assumptions about her in my previous post.
I have a bipolar sister who kept trying to have kids. The first attempt I believe was a misguided way to try to hold her marriage together, then she attempted to have them solo. I was sympathetic to what she was going through at the time, but knowing her tendencies, I'm secretly relieved that both attempts failed...and I don't feel guilty about feeling that way.
Like you said, you do have more time to decide. All I can say is condolences for what you're feeling right now. I know what it is to feel ambivalent about having children, but not so much about not having the ability. It's said that having kids does "destroy your life as you know it", but gives you an entirely new one.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 How can you marry someone and claim to love them and then say she's not the type of woman you want raising your kids? Either you love her or you don't. If you don't move on so she can at least find another man while she's still young enough to have children. If you do love her then quit being so selfish and allow her the experience of being a Mom. She may turn out to be a great Mom so you should not make that decision for her that is selfish. If you do, there's a good chance she'll leave you anyhow and guess what? She'll end up with a guy who has kids and he'll think she is the greatest Mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): if she seriously wants to adopt and start a family, then you should end this marriage so she can find a new man who will wholeheartedly want to start a family with her. easier said than done, I know, but there is no time to waste. so every minute that you sit and ruminate, is robbing her of more time to find a new mate who will want to build a family with her. it's selfish of you to sit there in silence.
you shouldn't go along with having kids if you're not truly comfortable with it, whether or not it has anything to do with your view of her. you also shouldn't hold her back from having kids if she wants them, so you should set her free to find someone who will want to raise children with her.
if she's sacrificing her wish to have kids, for you or for the marriage, then all the more you have to end this marriage. she's not going to do it for you because she doesn't know how you truly feel because you haven't told her. so both of you are losing out if you continue this marriage and you may both grow to resent each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): I think there's four issues going on in between the lines:1. You actually now wish you had kids.2. You're very dissatisfied with your wife or your marriage.3. Therefore you regret your marriage because it took away your chance to have kids.4. And you feel guilty about your regret.I feel the same way about my hb as you do about your wife. And it's because (in my case) I have always hated my marriage because of how he has treated me, but I stayed married out of a sense of religious duty because my religion doesn't allow divorce. But that meant I couldn't stand the thought of bearing the children of someone like him. (even though I later on met other men I wish I could have married and had kids with so it's not like I hate the idea of having kids, just not with my hb because I dont' like him so why would I want to mix genes with him??) maybe you don't feel as extreme about your wife, but in your post I can read some disdain or disgust that you feel towards her. I think it's right not to bring children into a dysfunctional marriage. I think it's right not to mix genes with someone you feel disdain or disgust towards and create a new person who's half of someone you hate. Many people do, anyway, but I think because their desire to have kids trumps everything else.But your desire for kids is seriously dampened by the idea of who the other parent besides you would be. It was the same with me.This means that while you really can't stand the thought of bringing kids into your marriage, you just wish you had married someone different so you could have had kids without it being a negative thing.I think the heart of it all, it's your dissatisfaction with your marriage and wife and your regret that you married her. But while you may not be bound to your marriage by religion (like me), you feel guilty about regretting so you don't talk about it to her and therefore she will never change because she doesn't even know anything is wrong, and you don't even consider to yourself if you should end the marriage and instead by default will continue it indefinitely.where does this leave you for the future? do you continue on this path that you have set out on and try to make peace with your regret? Or do you decide to change course?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):
Thanks for the responses.
Let me clear some things up:
1. My sister's husband did not dump her to go off and have kids. Their marriage had other problems and they divorced. After being single for some time, her ex- met a much younger woman and had a family with her. She is uneducated and has never had a career, contrasted with my sister who was pushed to get an MBA and have a career by her ex-husband. I don't find that he fell in love with another woman and had a family with her reprehensible at all. Maybe he realized some of the mistakes he made and what he wanted out of life. Every relationship is different. I mention this because my sister (still single after the divorce) is very upset and bitter about that and I would never, ever want my wife to feel like that or that I was a bold liar about such a sensitive issue if, God forbid, we ever did divorce some day.
2. I am not sure if I will be able to deal without ever having children. I've never wanted any with anyone and it's not something that concerns me very much at the moment. However, as a man, I feel like I don't really have much of a biological clock. I can always change my mind later. I guess that's why it hasn't concern me at all until now that my wife is not able. That door *is* closed. I think mishmash laid that out the best. I can never say never, but right now I am fine having kids or not. That's not the same as deadset against. It's, like I said, lukewarm.
3. I can say I love my wife and I am proud of her without saying "She's the mother of my children" or "She's the future mother of my children". She's not a babymaking machine. In fact, I find the old-fashioned idea of love, then marriage, then baby carriage sickening and if a man told me his wife was "the mother of his children" I would think he was a Neanderthal.
4. I can also say that I didn't make this decision alone. My wife never made having kids a priority either. Yes, sometimes she said she'd like to, but more often than not she says she cannot stand children - especially babies. If anything, I feel like she is the one who made her own decision for the both of us by mostly ignoring the issue despite my occasional hinting once she turned 37 (some years ago) that if she wanted kids she better decide FAST. Her response would be "So are you saying that once I turn 40 I am useless and washed up and have nothing to live for?" and mine would be "No, but if you want kids you need to decide soon." (I should mention I am also 3 years younger.) Now that she realized she waited too long she brings up the adoption idea from time to time, but that's only MORE complicated, expensive, and stressful.
5. My wife would make a terrible mother. I know her. You don't. She's a sometime alcoholic. She's mildly bipolar. She's suicidal at times. She is neurotic and cannot handle stress. She hates babies. (She is okay with older kids.) She hates noise. She is self-centered, focusing on herself and her career first and foremost. She can barely take care of the household as-is even though she works just a few hours a day from home and I pay all the bills. Adding a child to that situation is just not something either of us needs. I feel like I have my hands full already and I do not need any more responsibilities. However, with a woman who pulled more of her own weight - maybe I would take the plunge.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 I think that the thing we have to focus on is that , with your wife or with another woman, anyway you say you are lukewarm about the idea of being a father. Perhaps with another woman you'd be , or you'd have been, less lukewarm, but it does not change things a lot, IMO: basically, you are saying that if you had met someone more assertive or strongwilled than your wife, you'd have let yourself to be convinced. Not a great start for becoming a father - poor child.
I get what you mean, maybe your wife is lazy or disorganized or selfish, and you are afraid you'd end up changing more than your fair share of nappies , or be the one who always has to take the kid to school every morning. So ? Let me assure you that if you really had a strong sincere desire for paternity that would not have scared you at all, or at least not so much.
I have a friend who is crazy about dogs, and his wife , not a lot . Contrariously to their previous agreements, he's the one who ends up walking the dog 8 out of 10. He grumbles a bit , yes, ... but basically he is so happy with his dog and so fond of it that he does not really care. And this is just a dog, not a human being.
My advice is : do not adopt unless you are 100 sure you want to be a father regardless of what the mother is or does . And in the meantime, don't say anything to your wife, you'll inevitably sadden or humiliate her for something which is actuallly born from your own insecurities or lack of motivation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): Personally I think you made the right choice. It's not only your wife who might not have made a good parent but you as well. Considering you admitted that really you don't want to be fully responsible and would prefer to have your partner do all the work.
Not the best attitude to raising kids so I'd strongly advise you to not have any in the future either.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012):
My advice is don't have a child with anyone if you're luke warm about it.
Have you ever actually discussed any of this with your wife? I think it's ridiculous to make such a huge decision on your own and to presume *in your head* that she wouldn't be a good mom and I think you're concealment of such a big issue is a recipe for disaster.
What your sister's x did to her is really horrible- he is not someone you should identify with at all.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): I wouldn't aim for 100% honesty about your feelings in this case. We all practice lies of omission with people we love to make living with them more bearable and to protect them. You mentioned you haven't had much sex with you wife over the years...were she to tell you that when she said she wasn't in the mood for sex, what she really meant was that she just wasn't in the mood for sex with you, how do you think that might make you feel? Don't go there.
I wouldn't feel too guilty about your feelings. Your feelings just are. They're neither good or bad.
But...I wouldn't start torturing yourself trying to imagine that your life could have been like entirely different with another woman. That sort of fantasy is escapist...why? Because it takes you out of the picture entirely. For whatever reason, you decided to marry a woman who didn't want kids. You might have even found the fact that she wasn't so maternal reassuring at the time.
Now that she's going through menopause and it sounds like you the one are broken up about it...as if you feel a loss of potential and you're trying to imagine that your life could have been different with a more maternal woman who would have made you feel reassured about having kids. I'm not faulting you for changing your feelings about children, but it doesn't sound as if you're entirely clear about these feelings yourself and you're chalking it up to your wife potential, not your own internal conflict.
One one hand, it seems as if you're mourning your wife's lost potential...on the other it sounds like you'd be terrified of having kids with her...Would you want to have children with her if she still physically could? If she's not a woman you'd want to raise children with anyway, then why is her menopause bringing on these feeling? That's the part I don't get.
It's pretty normal to be conflicted about big issues like this, but simplifying it by saying she's not the woman you could have had children with omits yourself from the picture. What you neglect to say is that you weren't really interested in being a father...especially the kind of father that would have to put a lot of effort into raising the kids. That's what I sense from reading your post. Who knows?...maybe you would have left a woman you did have kids with because you felt that it was just too much work? If you look backwards, anything is possible?
You're conflicted and emotional now that a door of potential has close and you're regretting you never walked through it. I think you might be laying that regret at your wife's door, rather than looking at your own internal conflicts about have children. All that said, you sound pretty normal to me and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. How do you relieve your feelings? I hate to suggest therapy, but if you could talk this out with someone, you'd probably feel better.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): Firstly you should be honest about it. Your making a decision and taking away her choice to have children. If my man felt this way and I found out after I hit menopause that he didn't want them with me, I would be absolutely livid. Yes it is deceiptful and cruel to do this to someone you say you love. Especially when men can have children at basically any age, it's very selfish. It is one thing if your husband does not want children at all, that is something that some women can live with, but for him to not want them with you in particular and could see him possibly wanting them someone else is another thing, it's cruel and selfish. You say you can understand your sister's ex husband, so can I he is a self-centred jerk who cares about no-one but himself. To relieve yourself of these feelings of guilt, be honest with your wife and let her make an informed decision about her future, you have already stolen enough from her. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but I am being honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Well, it's not that you're lying. You're simply telling the truth as it stands now. Your truth with your wife is that you don't want kids with her.
However, as far as your guilty feelings are concerned, this is something to reflect on. Does part of this have to do with your sister and her ex, that they built a life together and then he split? That's their story, not yours.
You are susceptible to regrets and mid-life crisis right now, being the age you are. This leaves you open to regrets and the thought that the grass is greener on the other side. I know you love your wife, but don't you think that you're making the mistake of thinking you know what she's capable of? People are ever changing and evolving, and it's possible that your wife would grow into a fantastic mom of your child.
I don't think you should tell her the part about you seeing someone else as a better fit for having your kid than your wife, because if you do, she'll take it as you don't love her, because if you ever hear one thing a man says when he's truly in love with his wife or is proud of her: "She's the mother of my children" or "She's the future mother of my children".
So you're going to have to deal with those guilty feelings, and if you love her, you won't hurt her like that. And don't emulate your sister's and her ex's story. There's nothing to feel good about there about a guy who gets successful with a woman who expects a mutual life investment into each other, only to have him bolt when he gets what he wants.
You either love your wife, or you don't. Don't underestimate her. Many women who you wouldn't think would make good moms get zapped with all kinds of mom hormones only to have motherhood transform them into amazing moms. But I don't think the fact that you don't think she'd make a good mom is the real reason you're feeling this way.
Let me tell you this -- if you're feeling unhappy in your marriage, be it sex or something else, your marriage could use a bit of a tune-up. Instead of just you reflecting on things, why not both of you do it together. If there are deep resentments, maybe talking it out with a third party may help. Sometimes, in the course of a marriage getting stale, it takes a little healthy shakeup to revitalize it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): These are one of those instances where keeping a secret will probably be the best route. However, will you be able to deal with never having children? PErhaps you should think about that, and go from there. However, I think your wife will be very hurt f you left her, especially during the menopause.
...............................
|
