A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently, i've been feeling very guilty about my past behaviour to my boyfriend. When we first got together everything was fine, i was fine, and he went of with his friends fairly regularly (once a month at least). However they all went through a patch of being short on cash and he didn't go out with them for about 3/4 months. I'm not sure if it was because i got so used to him being there at the weekends and staying over all the time but, all of a sudden, I started get jealous. Jealous when he went out with his friends. I trusted him 100% and was not worried at all about him cheating, it was pure jealousy that I would be alone and bored and he was out having fun with his friends. My friends are/weren't as outgoing as his so even though i did try to make plans with them when he went out...it wasn't anywhere near the amount he went out. I became someone i didn't know i was capable of becoming. I started giving him a hard time, which caused arguments. Eventually he stopped going out with his friends for a few weeks. He turned down around 6/7 invites in a row which eventually made his friends a little reluctant in inviting him (at least that's what I think happened since they went on nights out a few times and my boyfriend knew nothing of it) and although, when i ask now, he insists that it wasn't because of me and he wanted to spend those nights with me instead of his friends (he also adds in money problems at the time) i still get this gut feeling that he's lying to make me feel better and that it was because of me. That it was because i made him feel bad/guilty because i pushed my problem with being bored and alone on him, he felt bad about it and if I hadn't acted in that way he would have went out care-free.This went on for probably about 4-5 months. Although i never, ever asked him to stay with me or asked him to stop seeing his friends, i still feel very bad about giving him a hard time and causing those argumentsFor the past 7-8 months, however, i've gotten much better (don't ask me how, seems a light switch went off in my head). He goes out with his friends regularly again and i'm can genuinely say i'm 100% happy with it and am fine with being on my own. Thing is, it's only just hit me now. Before, even though I knew my past behaviour, i would either try and justify it (and to be fair to me, some of the times i got annoyed were justified) or I would just believe what he said and tell myself it was his decision. It's not until my male friend,not knowing about my past behaviour, was telling me about his girlfriend getting annoyed with him when going out with friends. She sounded almost exactly like me..but a little more extreme. I'm happy with myself that i've grown and been able to realise my past behaviour but i still feel guilty about the way i acted. I've apologised to my boyfriend and he accepted.How do I forgive myself and move on from this?I feel like i can't give my male friend any advice since I wasn't much better than his girlfriend is right now.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 I think you're being too hard on yourself. You went through a stage where you were unreasonable but then you realized how silly you were being, you apologized, he accepted and things are back to normal. End of story.
A "sorry" like the word "love" seems to have either lost its meaning or has really had a value reduction! People just say 'sorry' or 'I love you' at the drop of a hat and so when someone genuinely means it (like you did when you apologized), it doesn't seem heartfelt; it seems mechanical. I think that's what you're thinking...that the sorry wasn't enough and you wish you could do more to prove your feelings.
You know what, the very fact that you realized your mistake and apologized and will never repeat it again, is enough. You don't need to feel guilty and hold it against yourself. We all overreact, we all act immature, we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them again because then its not a mistake anymore, its a lesson learnt.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 When you start to beat yourself up about how you acted, take that part of yourself that isn't involved in the guilt-trip, the eternal deep inner self, and just start to watch yourself send yourself on the guilt-trip.
In other words, when you start to feel guilty, allow part of you to step outside the internal personal melee and just observe the guilt-tripping.
Just sit quietly and observe yourself.
You may think this sounds a bit weird but with a bit of practice you can become objective about the internal narrator who is making up stories. That internal narrator is like the nasty friend you would stop listening to if she ever spoke to you like that. Why we tolerate such nastiness from inside of us, I don't know.
The witness to the stinkin' thinkin', that peaceful inner you, is the real you. The other one is just ego bouncing around looking for some drama.
There are 3 books on my profile that I would recommend. Two by Eckhardt Tolle and one by Michael Singer. They will explain this concept in much better and fuller detail than this short answer.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, killer bee +, writes (13 July 2014):
 There are many things we all do in our lives that we feel guilty about. what we need to do is see it is our past and let ourselves move on. we need to see that what we did is not who we are today, we need to see that the past is the past and we are a new person now. if you feel guilty then talk to him and tell him your deepest thoughts on the matter. if he cares then he will see the pain this gave you and try and help. if not then i think you may want to move on and let yourself and heart heal.
here if you need
killer bee
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