A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who's 29, I'm 27; he's single at the moment, and struggling to get a date. He's said to me that he wants help, but how can I help him?He's got a good job, has a small group of friends (including me) and is well-liked; but he says girls always want to be his friend, or he's been "pump and dumped" by them (i.e. they pretended to like him, but they only wanted him for sex, then dumped him), yet,ironically, he would never treat them that way, he doesn't see women as sex objects, sees them as people, yes, he can appreciate beautiful women, rather than saying "She's hot", he'd say "She's pretty", or "She's beautiful!". He enjoys his career, and has been in it since March 2011; it's gone well for him.He doesn't want to use online dating again, as one woman was using it just to try and get people to visit her eBay store, a woman sent him a message promoting her store and nothing more out of the blue, she was annoyed when he politely told her that it was a dating site, not a site to plug your business. He said online dating sites are often there just to plug stuff or astroturfing themselves anyway. He has no social media profiles, but is that a good or bad thing?He knows the types of women he likes - he is generally attracted to Russian, Indian, Chinese or black women in physical terms, in personality terms he wants a woman who is compatible with him, enjoys life and wants a committed relationship; but doesn't know where to meet them; although he is broad-minded about who he dates, he doesn't have an "ideal", so to speak - when I listed those types of women it was more in terms of going along the lines of the "we all have our preferences" card.His last girlfriend left him because he wouldn't get obese for her; he only just found out about her fat fetish 6 months into the relationship; they broke up in April 2013. He told me he thought he trusted her, but this happened.However, he wants to forget all that and find someone new but struggles with where to find a woman who he can have a good, long-term relationship with.Should I set him up with any single friends of mine, or is that too much of a risk? Is meeting people via connections a better way to do things than online dating and social media?How can I help him? I'd appreciate your advice.I'm on a public wi-fi now so have to rush this, but will check back soon; I may have the account name holmbush[numbers here] soon, so watch this space.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 The way to help out your friend is to be a wing man. You can do this in many ways. Dont just set him up on a blind date with a random single friend of yours. Let them meet first, casually, without knowing they are being set up. Be sure that they actually have some things in common, or else just dont bother. You can invite them both + some other friends to join you in an activity. Go bowling or something. Itll give them a chance to speak without the pressure of a date. Blind dates.SUCK.
Dont have any matching single friends? Do you have a gf? Girls love matchmaking. Maybe she knows someone fitting.
You can also be his wing man out on town. It works for relationships too, not just hook-ups. Chat up women and present them to your friend. Talk to him first about which women to chat up, thats all, do he doesnt get stuck with someone totally wrong.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Is this your friend? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-27-year-old-virgin-should-i.html
I know the ages are wrong but the tone and the details about the woman "Russian, Indian, Chinese or black" sound extremely similar.
How can you help him? How about simply gathering all your single friends for a meet and greet type of thing, where there's no pressure to like a specific person?
I suggest that because the blind dates I had never worked out. One was an absolute disaster. I was set up by a woman and her husband with this guy, who was a college friend of his. He was AWFUL. He showed up drunk, late, dressed oddly. Not a good start. We went to a comedy club. He proceeded to heckle the comedians then at some point stuck his tongue in my ear. He STUCK HIS TONGUE IN MY EAR and I had just met him. He then proceeded to harangue his friend's wife as to how to get me to take him home with me!
It was the worst date.
So we have this guy, you think he presents well but you don't know. He may well have social anxiety or some worries about fetishes that are keeping him from meeting women suitable for him.
He had a girlfriend with an odd fetish and it took 6 months for that to come out. How did he meet this girlfriend? Online?
You say he's been 'pumped and dumped,' so he has no problem meeting women for sex but he seems to keep choosing women who aren't really ready for a relationship.
Has he tried NOT having sex and just getting to know a woman before having sex? Do these pump and dump situations happen often?
Again, as you brought up the fetish thing, is it possible that he has a fetish that is interfering with the natural development of a longterm relationship? If he says he was pumped and dumped and that it happens often, is it possible that what is happening is that he gets close enough to a woman to have sex and then she finds something that doesn't work for her and so she ends the relationship? And rather than say that Suzy found out he has a fetish for something and she wasn't into it, he reports that Suzy slept with him and then dumped him?
The guy is old enough and seemingly capable of finding women to date and have sex with. I would simply suggest that if he keeps choosing the women who have an unacceptable fetish or who dump him after sex that he alter his approach.
As for setting him up with single friends of yours, I would do that in a more relaxed environment, and do what happened to friends of mine who ultimately got married: arrange a nice night out, ensure that the two you want to meet are nearby each other and then let them figure it out on their own.
Social media could help him but having it isn't a requirement. There are many people who do not use it.
I would suggest that he google his own name to see what comes up. If nothing comes up, a potential date might find that odd in our hyper-connected world. Especially as he is in his 20s and part of the generation for which social media was created.
Two spammers on an online dating account sounds like a pretty low number. Was it a high quality paid type of site or one of the free ones?
You say he's attracted to Russian, Indian, Chinese or black women in physical terms: is that through personal knowledge or what he's told you? Because it seems a bit odd that he has certain 'types' but yet wonders where to meet them. So it would suggest that he's attracted to these specific 'categories' of women because he's googling them on internet sites.....
I would let him find his own dates, other than setting up a few get-togethers with friends you think might be interested in dating him. I would not go beyond that.
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