A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel worthless because me being 21 and a virgin now that I look at it is foolish and pathetic. I was so blinded to actually think I was going to find someone to share myself with but now its really a fantasy. Women my age aren't looking for relationships. I think its about time I just give up and just start having sex because im already behind as it is. Whats the best way to lose your virginity if your not in a relationship? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm an atheist. so that is def outta of the question. Im like, every person has their standards in this world, and I have my own. Im a good looking guy and I keep up with myself(eat healthy, workout 5 times a week) So I would hope my prospects would at least do the same to some extent.I cannot control who im attracted too. Its not that I hang with the wrong people its just I have two sets of friends that I hang out with. One is the party type.And the other people I hang out with are just like me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 I think I see the problem. You're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Change up your friends to those who share your values and you'll be a lot happier and have positive experiences when you talk to people who aren't having sex.If you are religious, spend some time with the devout members of your congregation. I guarantee there will be virgins of both sexes in that crowd. If you aren't attached to a specific religion, then you might take a look and see if one doesn't speak to you.One observation I have is that boys your age tend to overlook the girls who might be heavy or not wear makeup or not dress to attract boys. They are the girls who have a great heart and lots of love to give, they are just overlooked by the guys who get blinded by the physical beauty and flaunted sexuality of some of the girls.By no means is EVERY girl sleeping with guys and having flings. You just perceive it that way because that is what you are looking for. You're looking in the wrong places, is all. Change your group and start to really look at ALL women, not just the obviously sexual ones. If that's all you see and all you know, then you are dooming your quest from the start. It's on YOU.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 I'm all for him making his own choices, but as a woman I strongly dislike comments of the obstinate nature judging all women as stereotypical sluts only interested in a shag, who trash their boyfriends sexual prowess. As if that's all there is to us. And if this stereotype is what is convincing him that he's a pathetic loser who will have his life miraculously changed by getting laid then... well, he's bound to be disappointed. But hey, what the heck, see for yourself. I'm all for having sex if having sex is all you're interested in. But if it's not, and you want more, then I can assure you settling for something less is not the road to happiness. It'll only make you bitter. Do what you actually want, not what you think someone else wants you to. And remember that no one on here thinks of you as either pathetic or a loser, and I hope that counts for at least something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question[Mod note: due to this most recent post by the OP, this question is being closed, and the content of the answer removed. Please read guidelines here before posting again. http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html ]
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Guys this kid is obviously frustrated. Sounds like me at age 25 when i was pathetically a virgin. We need to back off and stop giving opinions on the matter, be it youre "the romantic save it type" or a strong advocate for prostitution like myself. The kid needs to make a decision as his mental health is important. He's an adult. He can make it and whatever he decides, we should support it as the DC community.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): I can tell you exactly why women complain that their boyfriends or husbands "suck in bed." It has nothing to do with experience and everything to do with being selfish. You see it all the time on television and movies. Men complaining about how the "female orgasm is a myth," and how they have to take so much time with foreplay, etc.
If you don't want women to say you suck in bed, then it isn't experience you need. It is actually caring, at all, about your woman's experience in the bed. If you're just pounding away at her with a glazed over expression, she's going to be thinking about how the curtains need to be washed or the ceiling needs repainting, or look, there's a small hole in the sheet.... Seriously.
The majority of guys don't care at all. Once they're done they roll over and go to sleep. Then they tell the woman it is her fault, she needs to be more exciting or try harder.
The first time I had sex with my husband I'd already been in two relationships previously where I had sex. But that first time with my husban, who was a virgin and had never even had a girlfriend, was the BEST sex I've ever had in my whole life. In fact, it was even better than it is now with him. But do you know why? Because he made it special for me emotionally as well as physically. I STILL daydream about that sex and it's been six years.
So this whole "I'm going to hire an escort," Yeah... go ahead... hire your escort and learn how to pound a woman who doesn't care, only wants your money, and will fake that it was good to get an extra tip. And then when you do have sex with a woman you actually care about, you won't know how to please her anyway and you'll be just like all the other guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): Hey, I'm the female anon who posted yesterday (the one who said my husband was a virgin at 21).
Look, I was telling you the truth so don't go off on me telling me to "think realistically" rather than romantically, because I was thinking realistically when I wrote that. I didn't make it up, therefore it is reality. If you don't like it, that's your problem. Maybe you should stop trying to be in relationships with those superficial "hot" women. Because that's the type of woman you're describing. We are not all like that, and I don't appreciate you saying we are. That's like saying all guys are pigs who think about sex all the time. It is simply not true.
Oh, and another thing. If your friends make fun of you, then they are not your friends. if they can't respect your decision to wait, then there is something wrong with them, not you. I'm so sick and tired of people assuming that there is something wrong with them, or that they're a loser if they're still a virgin. There is no "right" age to lose it. You should lose it when you're ready to, not because someone else told you to. If someone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2011):
 you could be the most experienced lover in the world and not a good match for some women.
you could be really good at oral and the woman does not like it or you could last a long time at penetration and the woman would not want that.
You can't win. EVERYONE is different and your experience with each woman will be different.
escort sex is way different than making love....
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2011):
A one time experience with an escort will hardly make you a great lover, if that's what you think. Sorry to ruin your fantasy about this one, but you've missed some crucial points. First being that your female friends obviously suck, no offense. But you can't take what they say seriously. You don't want a woman who bitches about your abilities in bed? The solution is not to be a great lover, the solution is to find a woman with integrity...
The second point is that no matter how many times you have sex you can still suck in bed. And if you have a natural talent for it you'll be great in bed even if you've never done it before. It's all about finding someone you are comfortable with, care for, want to please and make happy, and that you TRUST. A woman you trust will not start some low-life rumour about you.
Just find a decent woman please, these women you currently associate with sound like the wrong crowd. There are plenty of women out there who want a relationship, wont bitch about her guys sexual performances to random people, and who will love and adore you in bed with her no matter how many, or how few, partners you've had before her.
My ex was inexperienced like you and he too was freaked out and scared about messing up and doing mistakes that he had heard his female friends say their boyfriends did. But you're not seeing things in perspective here, and whatever your female friends have said I highly doubt it to be a) true and b) relevant to you and any experience you will have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): Dude, I'm 3 years younger than you. I have a steady girlfriend who is 18 also. We act as though we're 25. No hookups, none of that. When we want to kiss, its just us. We're exclusive. She wanted a relationship but thought guys would only hurt her. I haven't, and she loved me. I loved her back. Chemistry.
We are in a relationship, but are still virgin. I'm ready for sex , but I'm waiting for the perfect moment to have it with her. Keep your chin up. Instead of looking at partying girls in theloud crowd, there are plenty of girls outside that small group. My girlfriend is one of them and between you and I is hotter than any party girl I've ever seen. So stay focused, you'll find her soon and she will be ONE HELL OF A KEEPER :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe whole reason im here is because a good point was made to me about how women do want experienced guys no matter if they are single or in a relationship. Believe me I hear my female friends bitch about how their guy sucks in bed and they have had better. I don't want that to be said about me. No matter what I do will be a lose, win situation. Ill probably give it until im 22 in another 11 months and if I hadn't met anyone yet im calling a escort service.
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (21 October 2011):
 i threw my virginity away at 18, and i met my wife at age 20. i did not marry her until i was 23, and did not have intercourse with her until we was married. just going out and having sex became empty, and unfulfilling before i met her.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2011):
PS. being a virgin does not mean sex will be terrible. And what difference does it make, if you have sex with someone you care about at least you have the chance to have every other time be greater than the last, in case it actually does turn out terrible the first time. Lose it with a stranger and.. well, it's a one time thing, so you wont get the chance to actually enjoy it and learn something.
Stop generalizing women btw. You are old enough to know that women are not universally the same, not any more than men are. In fact you are accusing us of lying to you, I don't see why we'd do that. If the girls around you aren't looking for a relationship, but a shag, then it should be easy to get a one nighter. Alternatively start talking to some other girls...!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2011):
Poster, if it's really true that women wont give you a chance because you are a virgin then why do you keep telling them you are when you meet them? Keep that sort of information for when you actually get serious with someone.
But I really do not think a woman cares at all whether or not you are a virgin. I think you feel rejected and you are looking for something to blame it at. Women don't care about that.. really. If you're always feeling rejected then it is because of something else, maybe a negative attitude? Maybe you aren't meeting enough new women? Maybe you are always around women when you are with friends, which makes it difficult to approach them and talk to them? There could be millions of reasons, but when it comes to meeting someone and getting a date etc it's all about how you present yourself. And since you do not have a huge stamp on your forehead that says VIRGIN, then no, your virginity is not something you are judged on. No one can SEE that you are a virgin.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondougbcoll you have no idea how my life is? Its constantly filled with women who wont even give me a chance because im a virgin. Im just fed up with it. I will not be a 25 year old virgin. You were 18 when you lost yours so how old where you when you finally met your wife?
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (21 October 2011):
i threw away my virginity when i was 18, on a prostitute. oh , i was fine with it then, but i regret it now. i wish i would have saved it for my wife that deserved it. now i have regret and guilt of throwing away something of value that should have belonged to my wife. what ever you decide make sure that you want have to look back and say ( i wish i would have waited, or done things different). you only have that gift to give once, what ever you decide its your decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know how many times I hear women claim they want a relationship and they go and sleep around? Tons! Im tired of being the one played. You know how many women use my virginity against me? All of them. I don't care anymore and just want to stop with the fake people. Its way much easier to be a female 21 and a virgin because the world accepts it that way. But when a guy is 21 years old and still hasn't had sex there has to be something wrong with him. I don't care anymore so what if I do find someone after I lose it randomly. That person is much more likely to not be a virgin . And what if I find someone and im still a virgin sex will be terrible. You just have to stop thinking romantically and start thinking realistically.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): My husband was a virgin at 21, and so was I. And I'm gonna go ahead and be honest about something, and while this may sound selfish, it's the truth. I probably wouldn't have married him if he'd been one of those guys that sleeps around a lot because I wouldn't have trusted him not to do that after we got married. Besides, since I was a virgin I felt I deserved someone else who was as well. My point of telling you that was there are girls out there who are like you so don't throw your virginity away on some slutty girl, because once you lose it you can never have it back. In the long run, you will be so much happier if you wait.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 October 2011):
Reginna is absolutely right, the girls you are looking at might not want relationships, but oh so many do. More women than men your age want a relationship. You shouldn't have a problem meeting plenty who are looking for a relationship, but you have to look a bit further to find someone you match with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): I agree you are not pathetic or foolish. In fact, you're smart. Older teens and young adults are one of the fastest growing population of the Aids virus and other STDs. It is better to wait than to risk when it comes to your life.
Also, I agree that there are women looking for relationships. You need to broaden your horizons. Don't expect to meet a girlfriend. Take a look at the type of women you've been after and re-evaluate them. Be aware of the girls around you. There are girls who are invisible to men, but they are amazing girlfriends. When you say "girls my age aren't looking for relationships" then what you're really saying is "the group of girls I go after are the type who aren't looking for relationships."
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): 96% of British Men lose their virginity before 25. So if you were in Britain you've still got a number of years before you're out of the norm. I'm sure the stats aren't that different in America. Now most men lose their between 18-21. The reason people think it's more like 14 nowadays is because of the publicity underage sex and pregnancy gets. So don't feel weird. There's a lot more people out there that are in the same 'situation' as you are. I'm 18 and a virgin, it can be embarrassing and distressing but at the end of the day, not the most important thing in the world :)
To be quite honest, easiest way? Hooker.
But do you want easy or meaningful? That's your call.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 October 2011):
One night stands are the quickest way, friends with benefits need some investment to find the suitable partner (never a real friend mind you, but someone you have and arrangement with). A girlfriend is the ultimate best option, preferably a girlfriend who you are mutually in love with, but THAT could take some time and investment. If you aren't patient enough then go for option one or two as described.
You're not pathetic. You've just ran out of patience. If I had waited for my first real boyfriend where there was mutual love I'd not be far away from you (19, but girls have an easier time at it). Instead I decided to not wait and went with option 2, a FWB. It wasn't a great experience, I wanna be real with you about that. But to me it wasn't as important who was the first.
Just make sure you don't do something you personally will regret, you're the only one who has to live with yourself. And if a special girl is what you have been waiting for.. then I say continue to wait. Because at one point you will find her, so maybe you will regret it then. But if you can meet that special girl later on, and be ok with not having waited for her, then go ahead. It's up to you.
My ex was 24 and a virgin and I didn't look down at him or find him pathetic for that reason. He struggled with it himself, but I was cool with it. It's all in your head in the end, virgin or not doesn't really matter.
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female
reader, babu3u +, writes (20 October 2011):
 If you were waiting for someone special, why give up now? You are just 21! I had a a couple of guy friends told me they had sex for the first time with someone they didn't love and regret it. They said it felt good but it was empty. From my own experience I am glad I waited for someone I loved. There are lots of girls your age who want a relationship. You just have to wait for the right one. :) but if you do have sex with someone that you don't love do it without regret and be safe. :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 You shouldn't feel foolish or pathetic. Am sure there are plenty of girls looking for a relationship. You are just looking in the wrong places. To lose your virginity outside of a relationship makes it not special and pointless, and you will find yourself regretting it because your first time should be special and with someone who you really care about. Don't give up hope, you are still young.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Do not rush into losing your virginity. It is something that only happens once and will stay with you for the rest of your life and so is important that it happens with the right person. I had a friend who was as concerned as you are now, all of her friends (including me) had lost their virginity and she didn't understand why at 22 she hadn't lost hers. She even threatened that if she didn't lose it by the age of 23 she would go out and find an escort to do it with which was a ridiculous idea, and one which now she is horrified at. Just before her 23rd birthday she met a guy, was with him for a few months and eventually lost her virginity. A year on and they're still together and happy. She is SO glad she lost it to someone she cares about and not just some randomer who she would have never seen again.Its a really important thing and if lost to the wrong person can affect the rest of your life. Stop pressuring yourself, you are no less worthy and in fact are probably a lot more mature than your peers because you haven't just done it with the nearest person and have tried to wait to find the right person. The right person WILL come along and usually it happens when you stop looking, weirdly I know. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Hi,
I'm a 21 year old virgin, and trust me- girls our age ARE looking for relationships! I've turned down men because all they want is sex. I want to hold out for a man I am attracted to and interested in, beyond a superficial level.
Hang in there! Relax, have fun...like will attract like. And you've probably saved yourself tons of drama by not getting into pointless relationships and sleeping with multiple women.
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