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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: This is sort of relationship question. Relationship with oneself.I feel stupid for feeling so low and for needing advice on how to find happiness after 40.I just never thought I'd feel this bad.Age and looks were never the problem for me. I was never obsessed with my looks and I took aging as a natural thing.However, my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Up until now I had this (maybe delusional) idea that I still had some time to fix things. Now that's no longer the case. I feel that my life is more or less "done".I have a job (two jobs for that matter) and no real career.I have two masters degrees that I don't really benefit from.I don't have any children (my husband and I thought about adoption at one point).Basically, I have no direction in life. For the past decade, each year has been more or less the same. A part from the growing old, I have been running in place. A constant string of repeat,repeat, repeat.Whenever I try to find advice on mid-life crisis I stumble upon stories I cannot relate to. I read about women who were successful managers, editors in chief, surgeons... when the crisis hit and made them reevaluate their lives. I read about devoted mothers, who suddenly redefined their lives without neglecting their families. I'm neither. I appreciate them sharing their stories but I cannot connect with what they have to say. The last story I read started with: By the time I was 40, my 5th book just hit the shelves...I can't help but think that if it were me, I wouldn't be having these problems!(I know it's more complicated than that...)I'm grateful for the good things in my life. I'm grateful for my husband, my friends, our (more or less :) good health...But, not in million years would I imagine me being 40 and not being either a mother or having a career. Nor would I imagine that all of my family would be practically wiped out. We die pretty young in my family. My mothered died when she was 47, my aunt when she was 38, her son when he was 24 etc. I've never met my bio. father. So I'm pretty much alone in that department.Recently, I started making efforts to start some sort of a career, instead of just having a job. But it's hard. I've been doing yoga for a while, taking meditation classes. Finding things that make me happy. I've been volunteering for some years now. And I'm grateful for having an opportunity to do some good. But it's not the things that gives me meaning.I feel happy for those people who say that aging make them feel "seasoned". Me? I just feel out of time/options. Btw, I've been seeing a shrink for over 5 years now. And we've been "fixing" some things. She's an amazing vehicle of positive energy and knowledge.But I would really appreciate to hear your real experiences and stories :)Thank you! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2017): Thank you!
I'll give my best not to be hard on myself... I'm not used to not knowing. But then again, maybe I never knew, just persuaded myself that I had the answers...
All the best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2017): Why not save up for a year then pack in your job and go travelling for a few months? Or get a pet? Or join some new clubs? Or take up volunteering? It sounds like you need to give yourself a project or a goal that you can work towards. 40 isn't old. You have plenty of time to forge a career. Why not start your own business?
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A
male
reader, PJ Roy  +, writes (22 August 2017):
I could say that I feel this way too about my own life: it did not turn out the way that I had thought. That being intelligent and bright and brilliant, it couldn't turn out otherwise than that I'd have a great career that would build itself by just doing what was asked of me, people would easily recognize my de facto ability to excel at anything that they needed done...
Needless to say, it did not turn out this way. It's those with the right mix of charming personality and go-for-it attitude who were quickly overtaking me, the brilliant student.
Honesty with oneself: at 15 I could only think as far as "I'll go to university and earn a top-notch degree in Engineering, and surely I'll get to live happily ever after from there, right?"
After university, I got a job working from home. I was contented enough to stay at it for ... seven years. You can imagine the rest, in terms of what that does to your 'career'.
Even so, I'm sure it's only quite recently that I started getting the attitude for getting things done that need to be done more or less right. Hang in there, help as many people as you can, while you keep looking for suitable avenues for your own situation.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (22 August 2017):
Hello OP,
I'm 32, and I have not hit the mid life crisis yet, but I think I can give you my advice and insights.
You say that in your family you die young.
What if your doctor told you out of the blue you had only one year to live?
Would you still be stuck on your routine? Would you still be doing the boring stuff you do each day? What would you do?
Would you change your status quo? Would you start travelling around the world? Write a book?
Forget about your looks and your age. Focus on what you want to do for your very limited years you have left (according to your family genetics).
Whatever you think you should be doing, DO IT. Don't compare yourself with other persons, other "success" stories of mid life crisis. Those are just PORN and GLAMOUR stories that you will never relate with.
Do what you really want to do with your life, find activities that fill you up. Find your life's meaning and purpose once and for all before it's too late.
You are a very lucky person with all the blessings you have. Use those blessings to change your life and improve yourself.
There are millions of persons that are less fortunate than you that would love to be on your shoes, have the husband you have, have the jobs you have, and have all the opportunities you have.
My advice to you:
- Keep the volunteering
- Keep the yoga
- See a new therapist (but keep seeing your current one too) . Switch therapists until you find one that can guide you to find purpose and meaning on your life.
- GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Your comfort zone is killing you and you need to get out to see the world as it is, and all the things that are needed to be done but no one is doing. You can fix and change things to some degree. You can find purpose only if you get out of your comfort zone.
- Try doing a real sport, like swimming or weight lifting. You need to release endorphines to feel better.
- Try doing a different activity every month. Don't just stick to yoga. Try a different art each month, a different sport each month, a different club each month. Try a new volunteering group every month. You will surely find your purpose on the way, not in any particular activity.
- Visit a third world country. Live a couple of days or weeks there, and see the problems and struggles they have.
Remember, you are in charge of your life, and you are the only one that can take the steps to make you happier or help you find a purpose. Your husband nor your therapist will be able to do anything for you. The only one that can change things for better in your life is you.
Best luck!
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (22 August 2017):
I read your very interesting mail,and i know where you are coming from re your many self questions and i am also smiling..Because in writing this mail..it can be for you the first step to a understanding of the new you...Man a being in search of meaning...[Plato] and how right he was and is.There are many women who feel exactly like you but who would never think of writing.They say life begins at 40,its a nice way to think depending on our point of view.However at certain stages of our lives we reevalue our lives and more times than not it maybe be what we would have wished for....but the wonderful thing is we still have the wonderful gift of life to enjoy and make a fresh start each day.Because everyday is a new start to reinvent ourselves..it may not be easy..but not impossible either...Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom[Aristotle]From your mail you are a woman who knows herself very well.i have no doubt you will find a way..take time out and try and not to be so hard on yourself....give it time.Kind wishes NORA B.
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