A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my gf have dated for about a year and a half. A few months ago. I've never flirted or talked to or tried to cheat on her (never even thought about it.Me and her were going through an extremely rough patch, constantly arguing, and being mad at eachother. One day I asked some girl i used to mess with for advice. I wouldnt consider her my ex gf but we were pretty close at one time, had sex twice. The reason I called her was I hadnt seen her in 5 years (since i was 17) and she also was in a long term relationship. I'd call her for advice from time to time, especially when it got rough. It felt good to kind of get it off my chest. By the way, I had ABSOLUTELY NO intention on cheating on my girlfriend. I just wanted a females perpective and considered her a friend.Eventually, she came out and said that she wanted me to come visit 3 hours away. She said nothing would happen, and that we could just go to the bar and crash at her place. I told her no for obvious reasons, unless my gf was there. I also told her alcohol was trouble in that situation, even though ive never cheated while drunk before, just figured it wasnt a good idea. A few days later, she came out and said that she just wanted a sex partner for when her boyfriend is away. I obviously said no again. I told her i had a girlfriend, and it was best we didnt talk anymore. A couple months passed and i never thought anything of it for a few months, and then one day while driving i thought about it and i got really guilty. Now I can stop thinking about it. I don't feel guilty for wanting someone else, because i didnt and knew I would never cheat on my GF. What i feel guilty for was still calling her for advice even though I kind of sensed she wanted more. And then once I finally heard her say it is when I clocked out. I didnt flirt with her, make plans with her, or in any way make a move, even though she tried, but i still feel like i did something wrong ?!?! help please lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): Nah! Keep it to yourself. She will take it for tit-for-tat, or just spiteful. I don't care how you try to explain it. It would sound like you're trying to piss her off by rubbing her nose in the fact your ex tried to seduce you. Someone you went and dug-up from your past. After you and she had a fight. You went to an ex for relationship-advice!!! Regarding her!!! You don't know women do you?
Dude, I think you need to take a chill-pill!!! How can you not see that this will not go over well? She will not trust you!
It certainly would look deliberate. After you've mentioned that you've seen her talking to her ex-boyfriend at the end of the bar. Just citing that as an example suggests that it rubs you the wrong way. Which will be what you will also use as your defense if she gets angry.
Whether she's loyal or not, your male-ego doesn't like another guy getting close and comfy with your woman. Especially an ex! Stop trying to sell us the perfectly innocent-boyfriend get-up. You're human!
Sometimes we do things that are shady unintentionally. What I like to call accidentally on purpose. Subconsciously, you might do something that just so happens to come-off as spiteful; but it wasn't exactly planned-out. Just too perfectly executed to be coincidental.
The outcome might look like you had it all planned. If you call an old girlfriend you used to boink; after you've had a fight with your present girlfriend, it doesn't smell right. You haven't seen her in five years, man! Just like that, you call out of the blue? It just so happens she asked you to come over for some sex? Did you fall and bump your head?!!
Seriously?!!
Just by the description of the whole incident; bro, I don't think she will swallow any lame excuses. No matter how innocent you think you were. If I'm not buying it, I don't think she will either.
You've been fighting lately. Bringing-up that incident is certainly going to raise some sand. Let it ride! I can anticipate her reaction, and it will not be a good one. I don't care how you try to smooth it over, it stinks to high heaven! Tell her in a couple of years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis website is awesome people actually care with long replies and even ask for follow up questions lol. Anyway, I dont think it was out of spite because I would mever try to get back at my gf like that. If anything, I felt that it was ok because there are several times I have walked into the bar and My GF and her ex bf (they have the same friend group) would be at the end of the bar talking. Dont get me wrong, shes extremely loyal, but that really didnt sit right with me. So at the time, that kind of justified it, which still doesnt make it right. But what I'm wondering is, is should I tell her ? Is what I did considered cheating ? I never saw a problem but now Its seriously driving me insane, and on my mind all day. The people ive asked for advice from said that I shouldn't and she would just think that it was something it wasn't. The thing is, I never once planned to get with this girl, didn't flirt or anything. This was all 3 months ago, and I didnt feel bad at the time. But as time went on, i feel like i did something terribly wrong. Should I tell her or no ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2017): Although it would hurt me if you were my BF and went to an ex girlfriend for advice, comfort or solace, it would hurt me even more AND end our relationship if you actually cheated on me with her. I mean, full on sex.
I must admit that what you were doing was straddling the line, OP. You never go to an ex for advice when you are having problems with a current partner. It makes you vulnerable. AND it gives her the green light to sweep in and save you from all your troubles. You, just by going to her, are throwing out a hook for her to bite. That is the way she sees it. It opens up doors which should remain sealed. The advice I always give to people is don't even go there. That is a big step towards safeguarding relationships. Too many people flirt, blur and push boundaries and place themselves in positions in which temptation would be more difficult to resist. If you don't place yourself in the position to begin with, then it will be easier to remain faithful. Which equals NO GUIILT.
If your GF knew you did this, she would be VERY upset. She would view this as a betrayal. And, it is. It is EMOTIONAL betrayal. So, yeah, you are right to feel guilty about it.
In moments of weakness and hardship in relationships, we are being TESTED. The emotionally mature and strong ones discuss issues with their partners openly and directly without taking round about little detours (ie. other people) which ease their frustration temporarily but do not solve any problems in the long run. The problems will always be there, unless you deal with them as a couple. And commit to resolving them so that you can move forward together, on the same page. Be honest with each other.
You are still both very young and clearly lack the skills to sail through stormy waters. But it is not necessarily an age issue, as plenty of older adults with supposed relationship experience, can fall into the same trap.
BUT I do commend you for not allowing it to progress further. And saying NO because you do love your GF and do not want to lose your relationship with her. But OP, you put yourself into the fire by choice and you jumped out before being burned. Still, your choice to play with the fire. Right?
I would advise you never to do this again. Burn the bridge permanently with the ex if you are truly sorry and remorseful. Keeping her around is asking for a world of trouble.
I do think you were feeling lonely and spiteful and I do think you contacted your ex to be hurtful to your GF in a passive aggressive way.
OP, remember, if you want your relationship to last, always communicate with your GF truthfully and head on. Never hide. Never go passive aggressive. Never involve third parties in your relationship. Especially of the opposite sex. Always communicate. Let her know how you are feeling. Guys need to do this effectively. Before seeking out other women! Other women cannot solve your problems. They are only a temporary diversion.
My boyfriend told me that when he was married and having problems with his then wife, he went to a female friend for advice. To be quite honest, I was not impressed by this at all. I told him WHY did you not TALK to your own WIFE about your feelings and try to resolve it with HER? He really had no answer. I will tell you I sort of lost respect for him and worried that someday he might get too close to another woman if we went thru a rough patch. And we have had MANY!! So, moral of the story is don't even go there. I understand WHY you did it. We are all human and make mistakes. But for the sake of your relationship, never talk to this ex girlfriend again. And move forward, and treat your GF like the important woman she is to you. And just try to HAVE FUN together. So many people forget how to be SILLY and LAUGH and ENJOY each other's company. You are both young and are able to do this. You have no KIDS, NO MORTGAGE, just LIVE IN THE MOMENT and DO NOT TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GRANTED. You don't want to have regrets. Right?
I hope I have helped.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 August 2017):
 Actually, you did the right thing in the end. All of us in relationships or even marriage has that one moment of temptation, followed by guilt and a fear that we've just exposed a weakness in ourselves. Those who don't care will be led by that temptation, and their mind will conjure a justification in order to excuse it.
You had a weak moment, and then you stood on a precipice. No, you shouldn't have contacted an ex-romantic partner any more than you would have wanted the love of your life to turn to an ex of hers.
Here's how you cope with what you did, and its guilt:
You remember it. You hold onto that feeling, and you add that feeling of guilt to your own strength, and remember that there are other ways to handle rough patches rather than exploring avenues that could lose you everything.
Now let it go, and let what happened make you stronger. If there are lingering resentments between you and your current girlfriend, heal them.
Give your relationship purpose. Temptation happens when complacency sets in. What was your rough patch about?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2017): Talking to someone is no reason to feel guilty; unless you felt lust deep down in your heart at the time.
Did you bad-mouth your girlfriend in that conversation?
Thoughts occur spontaneously; and they flash across the mind, before can push them out. Did your ex give you a little tingle? Bad OP!!!
Guilt has to follow an action with intent to do something you know to be wrong. You know it before you do it. So there is a brief moment to make the decision not to.
The little devil on your shoulder might have whispered in your ear, and suggesting you call an ex feeling just a little spiteful. The little angel on the other shoulder told you that would be a bad idea. So you listened to the little devil instead, huh? Bad OP!!!
Thus the guilt. You called someone you once had [sex] with, you kind of knew she'd be on your side. You thought in the back of you mind, she'd remember about the sex. You kind of knew it would piss your girlfriend off if she knew you did.
It never got beyond the call. However; you did initiate contact. Bad OP!!!
Keep exes out of your relationship business. Careful who you share that kind of confidential-information. You invite opportunists and trouble-makers to swoop in like vultures.
Some people ate attracted to drama, and get their kicks interfering when they know there's trouble in paradise. She still planted a seed of temptation by inviting you over.
If you need to vent your troubles, talk to an older brother or your dad. Airing your dirty laundry to ex-girlfriends is a form of betrayal; and it makes you feel guilty for talking behind your girlfriend's back. We want to vent to our best friends; but even they are too close to home.
As long as you delete her number and text messages and don't call her again. You will be fine. If they are still in your phone, your girlfriend will find them; and you'll have some explaining to do. Telling her will create a whole new set of troubles and arguments down the road.
If you and your girlfriend are fighting more than you're getting along; you're incompatible. You haven't been together long enough to be constantly arguing. Care to share what those constant arguments are about? Better to vent here than ex-girlfriends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2017): You did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend's lucky to have a boyfriend who is honorable enough to not think of cheating even when going through a rough patch in the relationship. You wanted a female perspective and you turned to her for advice. That's pretty normal. There is nothing you did for which you should feel guilty.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (22 August 2017):
 Short answer: No you shouldn't feel guilty.
Why are you over thinking this? You are allowed to talk to people and ask advice.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 August 2017):
 You shouldn't feel guilty because you did absolutely nothing wrong. You just asked her for advice and yes maybe you shouldn't have but that's it. Maybe you just wanted to confirm your suspicions about her that she DID in fact want something more? Maybe for a brief moment you did something damaging just to make yourself feel better?
OP we're all human and no one's perfect. What's important is that now you know to stay away from her
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