A
male
age
51-59,
*orTheLoveOf
writes:My girlfriend and I have had problems from the start - 8 years ago and counting. I've read through several other posts and this may seem all to familiar, but I need some advice - I'm currently taking anxiety meds to try and cope.When I met her I fell in love, hard. 31 days later I found out she was sleeping with another guy, 3 times. I didn't say anything for about two months. Then when I did she cried and begged me to forgive her. A year goes by and she's working late hours - her paychecks failed to reflect those hours (over 240 hours in a six month period). She swears up and down she worked - although failed to catch the obvious lack of pay. Shortly after that I found out (letter she wrote to a co-worker) that another guy she worked with kissed her (deeply). I freaked out - at this point, how much more could I take? Apparently more, this was seven years ago.Since that time she's been faithful because I started a business and she stays home and helps me run it. I haven't thought about, let alone touch another woman.We still argue over those days when something triggers the past or I feel she's being unfair to me. I cannot have a facebook profile with a pic of myself unless she's in it. I had a myspace account with no pic and had to delete it b/c of the grief I'd get if a female sent a friend request.I've been there for her and her 3 kids, thick and thin. Even dealt with her insane ex. And just recently helped her through putting her Aunt in a nursing home. I too can't look in the direction of another female without being confronted. I too am questioned about my love for her if I'm not in 'the mood'. She's freaking laying awake right now because she realized I'm writing this - and off she goes into the other room.Lately I've spent so much time up late, can't sleep. I love her but I feel so choked out by her insecurity that I feel she brought on by cheating on me. She says I should forgive her but how can I when I can't even remember what it's like to have my own self-identity.She's even jealous of my daughter. We both have children (well teenagers now) from prior marriages. I had to go out of state when my step father passed away and she wouldn't answer my calls the entire time I was away - a whole two days. I drove all the way back with hardly any sleep.I've threatened to leave her if she didn't change - to no avail. She always demeans me in some way around her family. She even blamed me for not paying her youngest an allowance for not doing his chores - an agreement I wasn't even involved in.She does have facebook and myspace profiles to play yoville. She doesn't 'chat' with guys - as far as I know - but I don't bother checking anymore.I feel depressed, withdrawn and wish there was some way to make it work. I just don't have much hope anymore. I've given all of my all to her and her kids at the expense of my own relationships. Nothing, no matter what seems to get rid of her insecurity. Her father passed away when she was seven. Her first husband cheated on her like mad (her side anyway). Maybe this is a factor, but I can't change any of that although I would if I could.My business is suffering because we can't work together more than a week or two without a blowup. I'm at a loss of what to do it how to do it. I should have politely excused myself from this when she cheated on me 31 days into our relationship, but I didn't. Probably my biggest mistake. I just thought things would get better.I do love her, but I don't know how to make her secure and content. I feel I've done a dis-service to myself and her for allowing this to continue this far.Any suggestions?
View related questions:
cheated on me, co-worker, depressed, facebook, fell in love, jealous, myspace, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (3 April 2010):
No offense, but your story reminds me of the man who had to sleep in the same bed as his wife and lover, and each time the two cheaters were having sex, the husband kept apologizing for taking too much space in the bed and snoring too loudly.
this woman sounds like my EX. that sick sense of entitlement she had. i had to restructure my boundaries and had to hold on tight as she literally tried to insult and hurt me with anything she could think of. I have our kids living with me, she is living in her own misery, with the fellow cheater who may or may not be done with her yet.
Karma is a bitch and it does come back to bite you in the ass.
This wife of yours is so self-absorbed, so insecure, because of her own past infidelities, that there is no chance of any happiness for you both at the rate you are going. She is probably lookng for the next affair potential and she's already got many excuses to give you for why she will cheat. I would say, if she doesn't agree to go to therapy, exhibit real signs of real change, then end it, hang onto something until the storm blows over, then continue on with your life.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 No, you shouldn't answer like that to your daughter. If she is feeling close enough to you to call you 'daddy' and talk to you about her memories and the feelings they bring, you want to show her loving attention, not tell her to shut up.
This is about bonding with your child and building closeness and maintaining it.
What you should do is tell your girlfriend that you can't change your daughter's memories, they are also pleasant to you even though that time is gone, even if you don't want it back. If what bothers her is that SHE doesn't appear in those memories, then she has the chance to build new memories with the three of you, she has the chance to win the girl's affection by treating her nicely and lovingly.
Whatever plans you have with this woman, the daughter won't forget she has a mom and a daddy who were once together and who shared good times.
That simple!
You should never have tolerated this jealousy and bossing around. Did you let her almost convince you that you shouldn't talk to your daughter about you and her mom at all?
...............................
A
male
reader, ForTheLoveOf +, writes (27 March 2010):
ForTheLoveOf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYesterday my g/f had a seriously negative reaction to the following email from my daughter. I agree that she thinks too much about 'old times' and is herself at times immature, but my g/f wants me to respond with a "stop bringing up your mother all the time, grow up, we're getting married" kind of response... Is she right, am I a freaking push over, wtf?
hey dad!
hey whats good!? lol well im actually in my graphic design class right now and i am listening to the song.. get down with the sickness by disturbed. this is a really good song though. haha... i remember when u, my mom, and i, used to blare songs like this when we were rearranging the living room. lol that was always fun... lol i also remember when u an my mom did that i would go outside and me and my friends would hang by the window and listen to the music lol they always liked that kind of music besides that girlie pop music. lol...well.. im gonna go so peace. love. out. daddy lol... haha haven't called you that in a while lol well peace out. love you, J.
...............................
A
male
reader, ForTheLoveOf +, writes (27 March 2010):
ForTheLoveOf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for replying. I've read and re-read your replies. I will update on here the current situation which is just getting worse, as soon as I get time alone. Your help and advice is sobering and yet reassuring. I guess I needed to hear the truth from someone with nothing to gain/lose. Thank you again. I'll be back with an update.
...............................
A
male
reader, ulick  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 Man, damp her! You should have dunped her right away. I have been cheated after 5 years and one child. My ex was similar in the way that I could't talk to any girls while she had tons of male friends. She was super jelous and I practically lost contact with all my female friends. Its been almost 3 moths since I dumped her for cheating and even if "maybe" she might not cheat again as she says there is no way on the planet I can trust her anymnore. And frankly I think that when someone cheats in a certain way they just are not wired or educated properly. Your situation is extreme. I would sit down and plan the break up ASAP.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (23 March 2010):
Thus, she lies, is jealous of your daughter, she likes to have you under her thumb all the time. Of course you feel depressed, with this having been going on for many years, it's actually regrettable that you ended up being put on medication because you are feeling you can no longer handle the situation. Extremely insecure people need to understand where they are mistaken and do something about this to salvage their relationships, before it's too late. It seems however that instead of her realising she should tackle her problems, it's you who molded to suit her: by agreeing to some silly restrictions, not having friends, etc, all leading to your feeling strapped of your identity and values and so on. It should be the other way around: the partner that displays the unhealthy behaviour tries to change their ways, instead of the other giving in to the former's caprice and unfair demand. And they say change your ways while you're young for a reason. It's easier then. That said, if this woman is ever going to change, she won't at the side of someone who keeps tolerating this behaviour. Right now your relationship is on the self-destruction path, I'm so sorry to say. If you have been put on medicine, this seems serious enough. And if you honestly think the only reason she hasn't cheated is her working at home with you, oh, my. It's not even healthy for the relationship if the two people only spend time with each other, but it seems you don't trust each other with the simplest things, that every normal couple should do.Demeaning you around her family sounds terrible. A self confident, happy person does not put others down. She does this because she is insecure and wants to look better by demeaning you. Do you retaliate with your own putdowns? Did you ever share more loving moments? All I read here is quite negative while relationships need nourishment to survive and positivity.You also have problems in the way you view relationships and go about solving problems specific to the couple, because why would a person with healthy views on relationships - stay in one that makes them miserable and depressed, with a partner they don't trust, for so long. I think you should take a break from each other... if only for a while and see how you feel. All the best, be healthy and be yourself.
...............................
|
