A
female
age
36-40,
*narch
writes:I am deeply conflicted.I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 8 years now. That's right, 8 years. And yes, lately the 8 years have been wearing down on me. I am 32, and I want to be married.He says he wants to be married too, but since he and I have been together, he's been largely unemployed. I had started to get frustrated, because I began to feel like I was being used. Then I discovered, he wasn't all that he seemed. He used to tell me a lot of lies. Big and little. I stayed because he isn't completely bad. I don't know anyone who can think their girlfriend is perfect, even when she is gaining weight, and then try to be supportive when she is losing it.I also stayed because every time I said I would leave, he would start to cry, and promise he would make things better. And he would, for a while, but then lapse again. He says that he isn't lying anymore, and I kind of believe him, but everything he does, I regard with suspicion. But, I'd been dumped before, and it's a horrible feeling. I don't know if I want to put someone through that.Also, it's because I am afraid of being alone too, even when sometimes I think I am supposed to be.THen my dad passed away last year. And whatever hope I had for my boyfriend and I also died. I felt very weighted, and I felt very angry because my father never got to walk me down the aisle or anything, because my boyfriend couldn't seem to sort it out.I am angry all the time at him, but I am both scared to leave for him, and myself.Enter the complication. Last year too, a friend of his started to talk to me. I couldn't figure out why. He has stated more than once that he can't see me as more than a friend, because I am his friend's girlfriend. In that same breath, he keeps professing that I am so pretty, and he messages me every single day. If I say I am boring, he vehemently denies that I am. He is also disturbingly similar to me. And he also believes in being honest, as he is always been honest with me. I have told my boyfriend that we talk, if anyone wants to accuse me of not doing so.However, I am finding myself attracted to him. I KNOW it's wrong, and I wish I didn't feel this way. I always say, I won't bother to reply, but then I cave and I do. I don't know what I should do, because, even if I end it with my boyfriend, there's no guarantee anything would happen with this guy. Part of me feels, I should end it with my boyfriend because I have been unhappy for a while now, which he knows. But I also don't know how. I think I am very close to staying in the relationship because it makes him happy, not because it makes me... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 His friend cannot be to honest when he is trying to chat you up. Not a cool move when he is friends with your boyfriend, this says a lot about him as a person also. I think you need to end things and take some time out on your own to learn how to live independently and be happy with yourself.
A
female
reader, Anarch +, writes (6 June 2017):
Anarch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I have a lot to think about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): Yes yes yes to those agony aunts.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): You need to move on.
After 8 years if he hasn't done anything he never will
If you don't he eventually will once he sorts himself out or someone else comes along.
End it and decide what YOU want and need and don't settle for anything less.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): you have been far too patient for far too long and you have fallen in a rut.He has been going along, having his needs met, not too fussed about his lack of initiative and he is not willing to marry you. His words are empty. And forget his guilt trips when he cries to sway you over to his side so that he can continue in his own comfortable rut.Of course you feel resentful.You have also had to deal with the grief of losing your father, with all that entails.This is a dead end relationship.He has used you for 8 of the best years of your life.Make a list of goals that you want to aspire to such as the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Such as that you want to marry and enjoy a committed relationship where you are loved with an honest reliable guy with some ambition and some prospects and the motivation to make things happen (things your current guy lacks)Don't jump into a relationship with the nearest available receptive guy. Allow yourself a little time to feel what it is like to be alone, while you gather your thoughts on what you really want.The other guy has clearly seen how badly you are treated. But tread carefully. A relationship with a male friend of your ex has a few hazards that would have to be discussed with the new guy.After all you do not want to waste another 8 years with another guy..Once you are very clear about what you do want and expect and you are prepared to ask assertively for what you want you will scare off the losers and you will be left with the genuine guys who share your goals and are on the same page as you.Never be afraid to ask for what you want.And never settle for a guy who puts on crocodile tears when he thinks the game is not going his way
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