A
female
age
41-50,
*rs.ophelia
writes:I'm obsessed with my ex-boyfriend and I'm married. How do I get over this? I dated my ex for 7 years saw that it wasn't going anywhere and wanted to marry someone who shared common values (faith, kids, family). I communicated this to my ex on many occasions, but his career was more important. Shortly after separating from my ex I started seeing a guy from my church who was a good friend. I felt that God was telling me this was the one and so I kept seeing him, even though my ex was still calling on occasion. I've been married for 7 years now and we have three great kids who I love, but part of my heart is still with my ex, he's always coming in and out of my life, it's like he's never been really gone. He wants us to remain friends, but then he hints that he wants an affair. I feel confused, bitter, angry and yet I can't seem to stop wanting contact with him. What can I do? I'm desperate for some help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mrs.ophelia +, writes (17 March 2011):
mrs.ophelia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much anonymous male reader, you have helped to turn the "light bulb" on. Your answer helped me to understand why he never really left, but always kept popping in and out of life when it was convenient for him, something I was better at controlling and tell him to leave me alone a few years ago, but not so successful at now. I hate the way interacting with him makes me feel, it's like I put my whole "other" life on hold or the back burner and I do give him first place, at least in my mind & heart. I've even debated that I married the wrong person, but with what you said it makes sense that, no I didn't marry the wrong person I just haven't given him his rightful place of importance in my mind & heart. I didn't include this in my question, though it is important, he is involved with another woman, one he had an unplanned child with and yet still won't commit to her. He calls me his soul mate, but is only available for conversation on the computer when it is convenient for him. Really pisses me off, yet things are that not interesting on the home front, so in boredom I turned to him, I almost did go through with a physical affair, yet I just couldn't, I'm scared to after the way he was sexually when I was with him. I know I have been having an emotional affair with him since I was engaged. It really drives me to the brink of self-loathing, yet it is a power I some times feel helpless over. Thanks again for the answer, sorry this got so long.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): "then he hints that he wants an affair"Yes, but why? Because he wants you? No, because his ego will get a MASSIVE boost from the affair, and from screwing over you and your husband and your kids.He wants to have the affair because he doesn't care for anyone but himself. You see, you really struck a blow to his ego several years ago.He had you, and didn't want to commit to you, but thought he had a hold that you wouldn't break free from.So, after trying to get that commitment from him, and failing (which you viewed as your failure and due to you being "not enough" to obtain that from him), you quit him. Then, you find that other men DO find you desirable. Which he did, but he wanted you to be his without him making commitment.And, he found that you didn't need him as much as he thought, that you were desirable to other men and he wasn't such a hot job after all. That other men were not only willing to be with you, but were willing to commit to you in exchange for your commitment to them, which he was never willing to do.So, an affair, it again places him in a place of primacy in your life, and denigrates your husband (and your children as well). The husband who you elevated to a position of importance in your life above him for all the world to see. Yes, you took him down a few notches when you left and got married.You loved him, but he loved his career more, and he still loves himself more than he will ever love you, and wants you to betray someone important, your entire family, in order to make him feel better about himself.Yes, he wants you badly, because that will make him feel so much better about himself.He wants you very badly, but not for yourself.Do you want to do that?
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 If your ex wanted you he would have married you. I have seen this over and over where ex's are attracted to their ex partners when they see someone else is attracted to them.
Stay away from him. He is bad news. Concentrate on the man who took you as his wife. Year 7 is always a testing time in marriages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is difficult because each route involves sadness. Having him in your life means you can not get him out of your head. An affair would could blow your life apart. So you know that the only thing you can do is try to cut him out of your life in the kindest way you can. Have minimal contact, explain to him the situation if he is aware you still have feelings. Sadly, you can't switch your emotions off. But not seeing him or having contact will help.
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