A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I met this lovely girl 6months ago when i was on holiday in another country. We were instantly attracted and had a holiday romance for a week. I expected nothing to come out of the relationship. Then we communicated online and she flew to my country to visit for 1 week. Everything was great.She wanted to have a long distant relationship but i wasnt keen on the idea. Then 1 month later i visited her. Then another month passed and she visited me. We always communicated on the internet chat every night. Then i told her i was going to move to her country. One time when i was talking with her on the phone she mentioned she went to visit some friends in another town 1 hour from where she lived. she caught up with some friends. She said she went to some friends place she didnt really want to go and visit and they heard that she was visiting and it slipped out that this friend was a guy saying he cooked her this lovely meal. A red flag went up when i heard this i didnt mention anything or ask any questions to her. Then i made the move to her country because she is a great girl. Everything was going great until i noticed she got alot of text messages. i never checked her phone as i trusted her. Then 1month later she got a text in front of me and she had an uncomfortable look on her face when she read the message. I asked her who the message was from and she said just a friend. Then i said to her what friend? she said one of her girlfriend names. I knew she was telling a lie. Later that night she knew i was uncomfortable and i said who was that message from and she said ok it was a guy who is just a friend. Then i said did you have any feelings for this guy and she said no she dosent he is just a friend and she doesnt want to talk about her past. we used to just go for coffee every now and then he was going through a divoce at the same time as she was. i said was this the guy that you visited 1 month ago for dinner? she said yes that is the guy adn she said nothing happened. she said she loves me and i believe that but it just didnt make sense to me. I said i was upset that you had to lie to me it is not that i think you are not wanting to be with me. The next day we had another discussion about it and she was in tears and finally after me asking again she said ok a few years ago they did have feelings when they first meet. she said she doesnt have his number in her phone . i said how did you know the text was from him? she said she remembers his number i said bullshit. she said the last 3 years have been really hard she told me she has been on antidepressants for 3 years and just came of them just after meeing me. she has been really happy with me.I just feel confused and like my feelings towards her is not like it was. eventhough i know she is a really great catch i feel betrayed and dont know if i can trust her that she lied to me on 2 occasions about this guy. what should i do? - am i over reacting?
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi, I do feel that there is more she wants to share, whether it is about this particulare person or something else about her. She is someone who has a problem releasing all her anguish at one time, and she does not know what your reaction will be. I would suggest that you leave it where it is, for the moment, trust that it is trival, even if she is acting as if it is a big thing, by not quite telling you all. You and I could be wrong, I just sometimes read people's unsaid words. Be her friend, as well as her love, do not press for the moment, as you grow in the relationship, without badgering her, and give it time, I would just ask her, if there was anything that she felt she didn't want to confide in me about, tell her you undrstand her reluctance , but be aware that you care very muchn for her and want to have everything as clear as possible. If she says there is nothing else, leave it, life is about some risk, if your trust is misplaced, you will know in time. As I said , I think there is a little something else, but I don't think it materially affects the relationship in some very negative way. Enjoy her company and get to know each other better, always listen to her and share your inner feelings with her, so that she will be more and more comfortable with you. She is delicate. Remember, we all have things in our past that we may not be proud of, and feel that if we talked about it, we would be judged somewhat harshly. Take care, and the best of luck to both of you. Have patience with her, it should be well worth it in the end.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks artistry, to your comment...
"it does sound as if she told you as much as she could, at that time"
That is the feeling i have as well that there is more that she should tell me. I dont want to find out 6months down the track the additional info. Dont you think i have a right to know it now?
When she told me about this guy that she was involved with him she said she did not want to loose me and said she did not want to go back on the antidepressants.
What i dont understand if this was a guy that was in the past she had a relationship why couldnt she of just told me that at the very begining i just get the impression that there is more that she is not telling me? like you said on your first reply she was in a relationship with him and it ended then they came together again. I can easily bring the subject up again by asking about if she has texted him back. Should i do this? - just feel like i want to know.
i know this girl really wants to be with me she wants to take things to the next level with me and her parents are very happy for her being with me. (she is very close to her mother she has said she is like a sister and best friend. i said to her i want to be close to her and be her best friend and that is why you need to trust me to understand you). i really want to be with this girl as well. she said she has fallen in love with me. and says iam the one she definitely want to be with. she was saying this about 2 months ago.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 June 2008):
Hi, I am glad to hear you talked it over with her, it does sound as if she told you as much as she could, at that time. There may be a little more, but I think you need to let her tell you in her own time. She is a fragile soul, from my humble point of view. Try to give her the confidence, that you trust her, as the relationship grows, if you still care about her, the depth of your relationship will increase, trust goes both ways. The men in her life appear to be in the past, for her emotionally, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek to become better friends with her. I think you are willing to give this relationship a chance. She has to learn to let people go, as you suggested to her. Be there for her, and she will not be inclined to stay in touch with these specific men. I think she means well, she does not like confrontation, she feels you will judge her, that's why I think she cried. Trust her, she cares for you. It takes time to build a solid relationship, be willing to give it time, just make sure your heart is in it. Stay in touch, I think this can work out. Take care and be true to yourself, as well. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
I forgot to mention the first time that we spoke about the guy she was very upset and was crying and said she did not want to loose me - is this a sign of gulit that she still is holding something from me?
Artistry I took your advice and i had to have another chat with her about the subject. I asked her how deep the relationship was and she said it was not very deep. She was involved sexually for 12months. This was mid 2004 - 2005 she said he was not like other guys he would text her ask her how her day was going just small talk. he is 15years older than her and he has 2 kids. She decided that she had to stop as it wasnt right as he is much older and has kids. She said they were both introduced by a friend as they were both going through a divoce at the same time. She said that she was just surprised to receive the text the other day. I asked her just yesterday if she had been in contact with him since the text message. she said no and haddened decided what to wright. i said just dont reply to him. she said that she has a problem of being to nice that she keeps texting guys like another guy she was with that was a jerk to her and dumped her twice. she still txt him. i said you have to let go. i said is there anything else that you want to tell me about your past? - she paused for a little and then said no. do you think she is telling me the truth about this guy in the past? - or is there more?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
I forgot to mention the first time that we spoke about the guy she was very upset and was crying and said she did not want to loose me - is this a sign of gulit that she still is holding something from me?
Artistry I took your advice and i had to have another chat with her about the subject. I asked her how deep the relationship was and she said it was not very deep. She was involved sexually for 12months. This was mid 2004 - 2005 she said he was not like other guys he would text her ask her how her day was going just small talk. he is 15years older than her and he has 2 kids. She decided that she had to stop as it wasnt right as he is much older and has kids. She said they were both introduced by a friend as they were both going through a divoce at the same time. She said that she was just surprised to receive the text the other day. I asked her just yesterday if she had been in contact with him since the text message. she said no and haddened decided what to wright. i said just dont reply to him. she said that she has a problem of being to nice that she keeps texting guys like another guy she was with that was a jerk to her and dumped her twice. she still txt him. i said you have to let go. i said is there anything else that you want to tell me about your past? - she paused for a little and then said no. do you think she is telling me the truth about this guy in the past? - or is there more?
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A
male
reader, theOC +, writes (24 June 2008):
My suggestion to you is to stop wasting money on this woman. Women have needs just as men do and when you're not there to satisfy her needs, she'll find it somewhere else. To find out that she has been on anti-depressants make it worse since this person that you felt you knew, you barely know at all.
I think you are in the right by not being keen on the idea of a long distance relationship. If she has lied to once, who knows what other lies she has concocted over the span of your long distance relationship. And worse of all, she lives in another country! You don't know what she has been doing every day.
I personally don't like Artistry's advice since it seems so fairy tail-like. I think you need to open your eyes and see your relationship with her. You don't know this person and she doesn't know you. So again, you should just forget about her and move on. If you have any questions, just let me know. Best of luck to ya!
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 June 2008):
Hi, I realy think that she was afraid to tell you that,
she and the gentleman who texted her, had been involved in the past. Now he has come back into her life and you are
in her life as well. And she therefore did not want to stir anything up with you, as she cares for you. What there seems to be, is some sort of non-closure to the relationship with this man, and I think she does not really know what to do. I don't know how deep the relationship was, or how or why it ended, but I don't think it is over, and it is showing up in her actions. It does not have to be that she loves this man or anything, there are different kinds of relationships as you know. What I would suggest, is that the two of you, take a drive or something in the country, in the fresh air, and talk this out. She should tell you all about this person, since he is somewhat in the picture. I would not judge her, or accuse her in any way, after all , she knew this person prior to meeting you. If she really cares, about you, she will let you know what the situation is, but you must allow her to trust that you will be undertanding. I don't see that this is betrayal, unless there has been a sexual connection recently between them. If so, then decision time, sometimes sex is just sex, other times it is a strong connection physically and emotionally, but we are getting ahead of ourselves. Talk to your lady, get an understanding, of what place, it any, this man holds in her life. Do not jump to any more conclusions than you already have. People get divorced and get remarried, so life happens. You are still learning about each other prior
to possibly getting married. Let's just have all the cards on the table. Ask her to please not feel that she has to lie to you again, it breaks down the trust factor, once the lie is discovered. Good luck to you with the situation. Please give her the benefit of the doubt, after all you liked her enough, to move all the way to where she lived. That counts for something. Take care. Please keep me informed, if you want.
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