A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved to Denmark half a year ago to be with my absoloutely wonderful boyfriend. but I have been acting strangely lately towards him I can't understand why or where that comes from. I was very depressed for some time because I had no friends, the weather was too cold and I couldn't find a job. but now I think I have acclimatised myself to the country. there have been a few times when I have gotten very drunk at a party and he had to take me home when I refuse to pay any attention to whatever he said, recently a friend had to call him because she said she wouldn't put me in a cab. even though my boyfriend listens to me and helps me when I'm at my worst, I treat him like crap. I call him names and say that I know he doesn't want to be with me etc etc etc. I never remember any of this but I have no idea why I would do something like that because I love him like crazy and am nice usually. he keeps on forgiving me and I feel really bad for being this way... what is wrong with me? why am I treating him like this when I don't want to? this has never happened before and only a few times recently. please! I need help urgently!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Bad behavior seems to be part of the deal when drinking to the point of becoming drunk! Trust me, I have proved that too many times to count. If you can't drink moderately, then there is a problem! There are programs to help you with this!
With the move you have made and the changes you have made in your life, it is understandable that there will be times of feeling displaced. But if you love your guy, you can overcome this (as you said you are beginning to do)
As Satindesire said, it is possible to be sober and have fun!
I am about to make a similar move in the spring. Although we both live in the U.S., I will be moving to a colder climate...I live in Arizona, He is in Maine. I dread the snow, and cold. But I love him enough to be flexible. I know that my love for him will overcome the disadvantages of living up there! I am looking at it as a new adventure in my life. I know there will be times (especially in the winter, when I am scraping the ice off my windshield) that I will say "what the hell have I done?" But I will know in my heart that I am not one to let anything get in the way of my love for him!
I strongly suggest you take an honest look at your alcohol use and possible abuse!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): Thank you all for your quick responses. it does make sense to me and I was afraid of most of the things that you have mentioned. I have talked to my boyfriend and apologised to him. I genuinely don't want this to happen again because it's also embarrassing for me and I have promised him and myself that to never do this again! he is the most important person to me and I don't want to lose him because I have done stupid things. thank you!!
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A
male
reader, PS05  +, writes (28 February 2009):
Wow, you moved countries to be with a guy ... that in itself is impressive regardless of your problem. I can't even get the girl I'm dating to commit to lunch on Sunday let alone moving to another country for me! What I am going to say is going to sound blunt and obvious and easier said than done ... but you need to take a serious look at your drinking.If these things happen when you're drunk, well then there is the problem. Or you might have an underlying emotional issue that comes out when you're drunk. Either way, I would talk to someone about it (as in someone professional). I know how tough it is to be far away from home without any of your own friends... but drinking is not the answer ... to anything ... ever!
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (28 February 2009):
 I agree 1,000% with SatinDesire. I prefer to stay sober in my joy as well as in my pain (well, it depends on how painful that is ... terrible toothache and severe migrain from MSG intolerance actually require me to take Paracetamol).
When you said you were drunk, how much have you actually consumed? If you did not remember anything, sounds like you pretty much blacked out. The amount of alcohol that a body can tolerate varies from person to person. I am one of those that gets silly [everything is funny type of] drunk over half a glass of wine, and gets a major debilitating hangover over a small glass of Strawberry Daiquiri. In summary, my body just has a very low alcohol tolerance level.
A few things went through my mind here as I read your posting:
(a) your body has a low tolerance level of alchohol - you get drunk easily and when you are that drunk, you turn "bad" or "nasty"
(b) you actually do have an alcohol abuse problem, but you are not admitting to it
(c) you may have hormonal imbalance problems. This is a medical issue, so only a medical checkup can only detect it. This type of hormonal imbalance happens more common in women (and men too!) 40-60 yo. But these days, with all our meats (chicken, beef, pigs, lamb) and cultivated fish/shrimps (as opposed to caught in the ocean) fed with all kinds of growth hormone ... it affects humans who consume them too. Or a growth is presuring a gland (of a particular hormone) such that it produces too much (or too little) hormones in the system.
Anyways, why is your b/f so forgiving? Perhaps because he knew you before you became so nasty to him, so he knows the nasty you is not really you. If you did not drink as much before, maybe he is hoping that you will get over it as soon as you get settled in in Denmark with your "routines" (work, friends).
Hormonal imbalance can affect your personality, just ask your doctor. Actually, just look at some pregnant mothers who has mood swings, or at women who has mood swings during PMS. LOL Hormonal changes also may trigger other "mental disorder" which manifests in many different ways. But all these are treatable, so you should not be worried about it. If you have a good doctor who can go to, ask for all kinds of tests (including MRI) to see for various possibilities.
Perhaps he has already talked to you, but at the wrong time (e.g. when you were blacked out). Perhaps he really understand that your drinking problem is your way of denial or rebelling against your own feelings ... of something.
I do have to say this though about you. You have admitted that something is wrong with you and you seem not in control of it. That takes courage to confess. The next step is to identify the undelying cause - is it alcohol addiction? is it a medical problem?
Either way, you need to be totally honest with yourself. There will be lots of tears I am sure. Yours and his. But you must be completely sober when you do this with your b/f. Pick a weekend, tell him not to go anywhere (except to the garden to breathe fresh air when he could not take it anymore -- but go back in after a few minutes .... repeatedly) and talk it over amongst yourself. If you are still "stuck" after 2-3 weekends, or you develop a withdrawal symptom, then you need outside help.
Hope all works out for the best for the both of you.
Cat
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (28 February 2009):
 I think this is anger and a general feeling of lack of attention coming to the fore. You have put yourself out to be with him in a fairly friendless foreign country and you are not feeling thanked or rewarded enough, maybe you feel a little resentful.
When I was your age I too used to get drunk and treat my boyfriend terribly, sometimes even slapping him at parties and infront of others and then not remembering any of it the next morning. With me it was attention seeking and wanting to be heard. You are a bit depressed and lonely and you need to explain to your boyfriend that you are not very happy and that you are sorry for the way you are behaving. I think once you make some more friends and get used to the place things will improve and you will stop behaving like this. It is a cry for help. You need to relax, calm down, keep off the alcohol and look at what you have with this man and determine if he is enough to make you happy long term.
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A
female
reader, Plutonious +, writes (28 February 2009):
I've done this to my boyfriend who I am still with now. During the first 2-3 years of our relationship, I got very drunk and did stupid things where it lead to us fighting, arguing and to the point where he almost called it quits because of my stupidity. At that time of my emotional disposition, it felt like i was alone too , because my family betrayed me in many ways, I had no one to turn to for help when the time is needed so what do i do i take it out him for no good reason. I had all this anger in me, pain and suffering I felt vulnerable, and when you feel that way and hold it in for too long that's when you build up so so much tension, releasing a whole bunch of stuff towards someone who shouldn't be blamed for.So maybe in this case... you should really teach yourself how to be more self aware, take all the tension towards the right people or things. You gotta realize yes u feel home sick, you have no one there, etc... you just have to compromise, take it in. easier said than done. maybe go out on the town, get a drink, meet up with new ppl, faces, and places?And with your boyfriend, you just got to see the fact that all this time you've been treating him wrong he is still with you, not giving up at all. So you should value his care and trust for u because it seems as though you are taking him for granted because u feel alone. Which is not right at all. so know your place.... and being drunk will not let these vulnerablities that you have go away. being drunk only last for a good day, and when you wake up you are back to square one again, feeling the same. Overall you never did any favors for yourself nor your boyfriend, you only made it worsefirst apologize in the most genuwine way you can to your bf and move on, and just let it go. you just have to learn how to let things go.
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