A
female
age
,
*illettenicholas
writes:I have been struggling with a large amount of guilt for many years. I was very aware that one of my mutual friend's husband "Dan" was having an affair while their children were quite young and I never had the nerve to tell her. The longer it went on, the more difficult it became for me. I knew in my heart if I had told her from the beginning, the situation may have had a chance to work itself out, but the longer it went on, she would wonder what took me so long? This wasn't a "fling" by any means. This extra-relationship lasted years and years and was known by others in our social circle. I truly believe that the only reason it ever actually ended was that "Dan" and his wife relocated out of state. I had also heard rumors that there were other affairs at his place of work, but never had actually confirmed those. The reason this terrible guilt has been eating me up again is that recently, while visiting the town we had all lived in together (I have since relocated, too) I saw "Dan" from a distance. He was entering a hotel with a woman (not his wife) late in the evening and leaving again a couple hours later. At first, I thought it was a case of mistaken identity as I was quite a distance away by the hotel pool and he was not registered at the hotel, but I happened to recognize the woman in the lobby a couple of days later, and she did confirm that indeed it was him and that he was in town visiting. With the significant ease of the world-wide-web, it was easy to confirm that "Dan" and his wife are still together (divorces are public information) and living in the state I remember them relocating to. What do I do? She is still a relatively young woman who has been treated so badly for so long, but do I have the right to inform her of this life-changing information? Of course, if the roles were reversed I absolutely would want to know, but I'm not certain that that's a good enough reason. I am a sleepless wreck over this any would greatly appreciate any advice you or your readers could give me.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 May 2009):
 I'd be willing to bet the farm that his wife knows about his affairs and has most likely from the get go. She may have her own reasons for not pulling the rug out from underneath him. If you tell her you may be forcing her into doing something she'd rather not do. I think you should have no guilt over all this, it's really none of your business anyway.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 May 2009):
I'd be willing to bet the farm that his wife knows about his affairs and has most likely from the get go. She may have her own reasons for not pulling the rug out from underneath him. If you tell her you may be forcing her into doing something she'd rather not do. I think you should have no guilt over all this, it's really none of your business anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): yes i know you felt guilt all those yrs ago, perhaps now that you have a chance to redeem yourself. you may not know this but maybe you are being given an opportunity to rectify the so call wrongs of the past.
plse consider this. you are not interfering. maybe get a cheap sim, and anonymously send her details, time and place, which motel etc. sign of as "a friend" . by you giving her this info she has a choice to either act and investigate or to ignore it. then you work would have been done. you "told" the truth and what she does with the piece of info is up to her. (can you get a current cell phone number for her?)
although you will be revealing to her the cheating ways of her hb, you must not reveal your identity. this will complicate things further and you don't want to be drawn into their mess. your duty is just to send the sms and other subsequent ones, make her wise like the good friend you once were. good luck. i wish there were more people like you who look out for their friends. and even though previously you chose not to tell her, its now time.
your story is proof enough - adulterers do not change. they cheat and cheat again. only their loyal spouses think otherwise.
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A
female
reader, love-struckxo  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 I don't think you should. It's not really your place to go into someone elses relationship and starting messing with it. If you wanted to he would, maybe try talking him into telling her.
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A
male
reader, Rogerramjet +, writes (26 May 2009):
Hmm....I dunno if there is any way that you could anonymously deliver the info?That way you don't have to deal with the personal issues of "Why didn't you tell me before?"I know at one point in my life when i was a kid...Someone was obviously suspecting that my father was having an affair, because my mother started receiving anonymous letters in the mail that were all just headline clippings from newspapers of stories about husbands cheating on wives (as things turned out, it was a case of my dad being seen out with my university-aged sister at the local theater, as we started to notice that the letters ALWAYS came a couple days after they had gone to a play together)..I definitely agree that it's something you should pass along, but i also understand the personal difficulty of having to answer the question of why didn't you tell her sooner....
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A
male
reader, CGL0527  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 If he doesn't tell her(I'm doubtful he will) you should. The longer this goes on, the more painful it becomes when she finds out...
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