| A
female
age
41-50,
*kd_fox
writes: Pornography - How do I cope, I can't competeFound out my fella has been using pornography when he stays in hotels.....this comes after an event 2-3 years ago when I found out he had been looking at porn on my computer.....nearly tore us appart then, feels even worse now. Have confronted him but he is totally unrepentent, says it is totally normal for him to have his 'needs' and says it only hapenned at times we were having relationship difficulties, a fact which I disagree with.....I now feel totally ashamed of myself sexually, don't even want him to see me getting changed, I'm not the ugliest person alive but I can't compete with silicon porn stars after 2 kids.....I feel utterly rejected, and all he can do is defend himself and turn it all into my fault, doesn't seem to care about how he has made me feel. We've been together 11 years but I feel this could finally break us. I truly don't know what to do, I feel like he has ripped my heart out with his bare hands.
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male
reader, freeguy1986  +, writes (27 July 2013):
i know that it feels like you are ashamed of what you found. But please be aware that he is sick. Sick of porn. You have to help him to get out of this.
I have been to this and know how it feels for a man. If he sees this fantasy and get addicted he can not live without it. At times of anxity he can break all respect (this is addiction).
i totally agree that you can not compete pornstars and also NO ONE can complete in world with pornstars since adults films are enhanced to seduce viewers.
I would like to tell you that he strongly loves you and that is why he is hiding all this from you because of fear that you will go away.
I also did same thing but later realized it is wrong.
So come on understand him ,make him realize and push him out of these addiction
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Okay, I know this question is old and has a lot of answers already, but I have to throw my $.02 in.
Men are wired to look at women. Lots of women.
Would you rather he looked at images of women or
went down to his local bar and looked at available women?
I for one never compare my gf to the women I enjoy watching in porn. We've been together for decades.
She has no problem with porn and says she feels sorry for men who aren't allowed to watch it. Then again she comes from a less sexually repressed culture.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (18 December 2006):
 I love to read 'alternative' answers and am with open minded people like Martini (Bay-be!) and beentheredonethat. I am also slightly jealous of btdt, girl, you have got your life so together - even tho it is way off the 'normal' radar. And you are happy. I applaud you!
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): Will you despise me if I stand up to applaud to your musings Beentheredonethat? That was long and punctuation was semi-nasty, but overall a good read. [claps excitedly]
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (18 December 2006):
 To address you assumption:
"So the assumption here is that the woman who's man uses porn, is simply not wanting to have sex with him and allowing him to see watch and taste all the wonders of her' hmmmm Interesting...so how do you explain it to the billions of women who are doing all of this in their relationship but the man still uses porn?
Obviously it seems more about seeing tasting and experiencing a woman who is NOT their partner....don't you think?"
I believe if you read the entire post...you would have noticed that TWO people in my life DO enjoy porn....One Does not. Therefore, your statement would Include me as someone not wanting to have sex.....if you assumption was true. (Uhhhemmm....if I did not enjoy sex...I would probably limit my available man hours..... I do....I have narrowed it down to the best Three.)
No, I don't think that tasting or experiencing a person who is not your partner, would involve a paper woman or a video screen Light woman.
I have BEEN in the place where my husband wanted to sit up and look at porn rather than come to bed....I solved it.....that was kinda the point. I LEARNED that the porn was not the issue. There were Many issues underneath....his reaction to those issues...he medicated with porn.
Sure he still looks....but because I figured out the WHY was not about what all my friendly females SPOUTED, (that means i listened to men explain...rather than to women tell me how sorry they felt for me)
I discovered that with Many Many men....the issue was not about Hurting a woman....but simply to give him an outlet for something he feels is missing...but he can't understand how to fix.
Porn is Duct Tape. It does not fix anything...but it will hold it together for years if you let it.
However I did want to specify that I do understand that in the hands of a MIND that is already sick, lost, or broken...It can become a tool of power for them.
But, if you honestly feel that you can blame porn for murder rape and the degradation of society....then you truly know nothing about history. The good old days....were pretty ugly.
Let me ask you....What is porn?
Where do you draw the line. Is it any naked body? Like the Statue of David? Is it any sexual text...like the Kama Sutra?
By who's standard will I be forced to live this time?
If I know that Honey put upon a wound will keep the festerin away....will ye burn me fer witchery? (oh and the kids too...for consortin with a witch...which they did by the way..)
Before child pornography....were children at less risk? Or was it just so shameful it could not be discussed? Or perhaps could it be that children AND women for that matter were considered Chattel....possessions to be used by men. And if misused...well your allowed to drive your car with no oil in it IF you want to...its yours!
Are women still harmed by men...yes. Is it the fault of some pictures? NO.
It is the fault of a broken mind who does not have the ability to discern reality from fantasy.
To blame the porn is like looking at the duct tape and blaming it for the broken tile in the bathroom.
Are people still shot with guns? Yes. Is it the fault of John Wayne?
Are people still drowning in swimming pools? Yes. Is it the fault of the swimwear makers? Usually not.. to my knowledge.
So why blame porn for Crime, and broken relationships...and the sex trade.
we may as well blame money.....it is the root....of something or other.
Now as far as taking advice from me.
My advice is...No don't take MY advice...learn to Think rather than do what your told.
Learn to be offended by the fact that we must start from where we are....Rather than starting from where we would be if Women had not been vilified as the one to blame for Apple pie for the last two thousand years.
Thanks for the advice on the counseling....I'll mention it to him. What a perfect excuse to spend more time together....you won't mind if we are naked during our sessions....We are capable of multitasking after all.
Perhaps a few sessions involving my husband would not hurt....I mean we are a really messed up threesome.....and well we can't leave our big buddy out either....So that would be ....wow...thanks for the Advice....Everybody is going to LOVE that idea......LOL.
Now in all honesty....You are welcome to believe any little thing you want....If you want to believe that Porn is to blame for a billion bad relationships....Believe that.
If you want to FIX it....Change what you believe and Study Reality until you come up with a workable solution, or learn from someone Else's experience and build upon that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): ++Many people who find porn offensive have a very low self esteem. They feel the need to compete with pictures of airbrushed models who don't have strtch marks and wrinkles.++
Willy, you've again satisfied my limited intellectual integrity with your notably skillful comments. I think I need to read more books that WillyWombat authors to increase my writing stamina and clarity. I find that I am very lacking in the clarity and to-the-point department.
++Exploitation of women....well, you know something, there are literally thousands of gay porn magazines out there++
Alas, I have a brother who is homosexual. He loves the cute boyish looking guys with some fuzzies on their chins. Sure, I feel gross stumbling on his gay porn collection, but hey, totally acceptable on his part. He enjoys them, gets off on them, and then all is good. So long as I never walk into his room when he's playing with himself, then great. [shudder]
You see what mean about the narrowmindedness of a lot of the anti-martini debaters in the other porn thread? [sigh]
The Ms. Anon who questioned the integrity of Beentheredonethat's comments should have known that she was giving a personal experience as a foundation for her advice giving. Someone would lack integrity if their words lacked in credibility. However, Beentheredonethat's comment is far from lacking, and rather quite wholesome.
People often attack other people's views, based on surface material, but they often fail to submerge into the actual content itself - what's underneath. To people like Ariel and myself, the surface is transparent like the ocean. If you would take a tiny bit of effort in seeing past the waves and reflections, maybe you can find a deeper meaning behind the words of others such as WillyWombat's and Beentheredonethat's comments.
AH! There's a spider on my monitor screen!
[ahem]
Yes... So there you have it.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 December 2006):
Hey Willy is back to muddy up the waters again.
Can nobody here see the bigger picture?
In the UK at the moment there is/are nutter(s) on the loose, so far he/she/they (let's be open minded here)may have murdered up to nine women - 5 of the bodies which have been recovered in the last few weeks. Now the media is blaming this on the drugs trade....it goes like this, war = no Taliban = influx of hard drugs into Uk = more people with addiction = more young women getting hooked = more young women going out to "work/on the game/prostitute themselves" to support their drug habit = more prey for aforementioned murderer = media frenzy = sells more newspapers....
WHY?
BECAUSE SEX SELLS!!
Regardless of the formayt it is dressed up in sex, is used to sell newspapers and that is just the 'way it is'.
Why?
Because human beings are normally programmed to find the opposite sex attractive, and if they cannot have sex then they like to think about having sex, or other people having sex. Sorry if there are any gay/lesbian/bisexual/asexuals reading this, I am just addressing this topic very broadly.
Many people who find porn offensive ahve a very low self esteem. They feel the need to compete with pictures of airbrushed models who don't have strtch marks and wrinkles. They hide this under the banner of 'sisterhood'. Exploitation of women....well, you know something, there are literally thousands of gay porn magazines out there (have just come back from Brusseels and Amsterdam, and believe me my eyes have been OPENED - which says something as I am normally bulletproof when it comes to being shocked!!)Porn is cross gender, and cross species at times too (please don't ask).
Why am I waffling like this? Well it is always easy to blame our feelings on another persons beahviour. Sometimes we have to look a little deeper. Why do we react the way we do towards something, what motivates our reaction? Also, we need to understand what motivates the behaviour of the significant other in our life male or female who uses porn.....Is it a deliberate act designed to make us feel off kilter and undervalued? Or is it just following a basic biological need, i.e. to w**k off/reach and orgasm and then be on our merry way feeling the world is a brighter and more relaxed place.
Without being dismissive of your feelings you BF uses porn whilst away in hotels - ie. you just ain't there to give him a helping hand! It seems to be a means to an end and it probably helps him sleep at night too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): beentheredonethat, my God Lord, you expect us to take advice (and I use that term very lightly ) froma woman who is unfaithful to her husband with two men and sees no issue with an industry that explouits women???? Hmmm...I really hope you have a good counselor love becasue your not thinking clearly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006):
Please one male at least answer this question honestly...
Another poster said
'Now most of you think (in you own minds) that you are competing with big boobs, tiny waists and bizarre positions. guess again.
You are competing with the woman who In his Mind...wants to have sex with him and allow him to see and watch and smell and taste all the wonders of her'
My question is this..
So the assumption here is that the woman who's man uses porn, is simply not wanting to have sex with him and allowing him to see watch and taste all the wonders of her' hmmmm Interesting...so how do you explain it to the billions of women who are doing all of this in their relationship but the man still uses porn?
Obviously it seems more about seeing tasting and experiencing a woman who is NOT their partner....dont you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006):
I think the problem is not understanding why men need to look at porn ans what they get from it. The feminist debate around how women are depicted in porn is not helping you with your problem.
I understand why you are feeling rejected but the porn stars are fantasies if he saw them in the street in clothes without makeup he would see that they are nothing special,it is all illusion and air brush
there is no comparrison bwtween the attachment and love he has for you and your children and porn.
The relationship with porn is non existent it is a quick release. but that ius part of the problem it is a fantasy -you and your relationship is the reality.
if he is not complementing you perhaps in the typical male way he thinks you already know that he thinks you are sexy and attractive because he told you once 10 years ago.
You need to talk to him about your 'needs' they may be very different from his but are just as important.
a third party may help facilitating talking about this and help you to work through it sometimes it feels safer and in a strange way it helps you to be more honest.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): Beentheredonethat - that was an entertaining read. [applauds] "Self-assurance" - I find a very attractive quality in both men and women, not that I am homosexual, but attraction never always have to be about sex anyway. As in friendship, I am attracted to all of my closest friends on some level, or they wouldn't have attracted my attention in the first place.
Right, off topic. Mhm... 8/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006):
You missed the whole part about "wanting to have sex with him"
If you have all this politics in sex about doggy style being patriarchal, you are killing all that.
And frankly you have no way of knowing what men are thinking, other than projection. Men tell you what we think and you ignore it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): Now most of you think (in you own minds) that you are competing with big boobs, tiny waists and bizarre positions. guess again.You are competing with the woman who In his Mind...wants to have sex with him and allow him to see and watch and smell and taste all the wonders of her'So the assumption here is that the woman who's man uses porn, is simply not wanting to have sex with him and allowing him to see watch and taste all the wonders of her' hmmmm Interesting...so how do you explain it to the billions of women who are doing all of this in their relationship but the man still uses porn?Obviously it seems more about seeing tasting and experiencing a woman who is NOT their partner....dont you think?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006):
This is accurate:
"Now most of you THINK (in you own minds) that you are competing with big boobs, tiny waists and bizarre positions. guess again.
You are competing with the woman who In his Mind...wants to have sex with him and allow him to see and watch and smell and taste all the wonders of her..."
"And most of those throbbing manhood romance novels are Porn...just uses different words....same effect. "
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (14 December 2006):
This is a very long post...so go get a cup of tea, coffee...and maybe a sandwich.
Well i am going to mention this simply so you understand where i am coming from.
When I was 22 I met a man who I never dated but had a friendship with because he was part of a whole group of people who all ran around together. We had all been to his house and met his parents etc. One night we were supposed to meet some friends and we were going to ride together, he had forgotten his wallet so we stopped by his house to pick it up. He broke a pool cue over my head then took a baseball bat to me before pulling a gun. (he intentionally failed to mention his parents were out of state) He sexually tortured me for 36 hours. He was an EMT and liked to strangle me then revive me. I had of course never been to his room...in this torture chamber were literally 4-6 foot stacks of pornography in every available corner of foot space.
Now if anyone should have an aversion to Pornography or sex for that matter....I would think it should be me?
Well I don't....
Pornography did not Cause him to do what he did. He had himself convinced he was Satan...and I don't blame the Christian church either. It was not the guns fault or Baseball's fault or his Emergency Med Tech training that caused him to do these things. It was his mind and his mind alone.
Now if you read my shocking profile, you will discover that I have a husband and two long term boyfriends. Needless to say I adore sex. I also adore Love. Now with all that happened I could milk the Victim thing forever if I wanted to. But guess who controls whether or not I am a victim? My own mind. Guess who controls how I feel about myself? My own mind.
So your next question is....well you must be really prettty if three men love you and that has to be why your not ashamed of your body.
This is me. Two kids...stretch marks out the wazzooo (that is a technical term of course..Lol) over weight, bad tempered, sarcastic, overbearing, aggressive, impatient and people who don't enjoy history, science or math must detest me. I have been in way to many fist fights, car wrecks, bike wrecks and worked to many long hours to really be considered Pretty. (and make up does not hide the broken nose) Want to know why men find me attractive? Because they do find me attractive.
First...I really listen to them and when I see something they have done well, I praise them genuinely.
Second...I try my best to look clean and smell nice...sometimes I put on makeup when appropriate (but i tease everyone that I have a minimum time standard and if they are going to entertain me for less than a certain length of time..don't expect makeup or hairdoos) Third...I am cheerful, make them laugh and show them that I am interested in what they do, think, worry about.
Last...I enjoy sex for me...If they don't know how...I show them, if they are willing to learn...I will teach them...and I have increased my skills over the years and still do at every opportunity...because as my guys get older...things are not on automatic pilot any longer.
***and most important of all***
I do not allow past baggage to Steal my present enjoyment...when you choose to play victim...you are making the bad guy Win...over and over and over. You are giving the bad guy power instead of taking your power back for yourself.
Understand it, deal with it then close the door on it and keep you present and future for yourself. He has already stolen a few moments from you....what a special gift you give him by allowing him to steal years.
***
Now, porn is a sore subject among many. They blame it. My husband and one boyfriend enjoy it...the other is so against it that it is nearly obsessive in the opposite direction. Now it gets the blame because it is often the Symptom most easily visible when the true problems have much deeper roots. "Well if he just wouldn't look at it...."
No....he might look at it....but he would not be obsessed or addicted if he were not using it to cover up or medicated the real problems.
Men have affairs for many reasons...just as do women.
The most common reason is that they feel isolated, unloved and looked down upon by their wives. (you can make a man earn Sex the first time...after that...it should not be a weapon....and if you choose to make it one....he will use the skills of war to get it. Sneaking, lying, shutting off from you and eventually cheating.) Think of the beauty of porn in a mans mind. and the answers are not what you think.
He gets to have a different woman...maybe six every time he looks. The porn is not mad at him for not fixing the dishwasher and the girl in the porn is not changing cloths in the dark in a closet to keep him from catching a glimpse. The porn is safe sex and it is not Cheating on you. It's not going to sue him for paternity. The girl in the porn likes sex and does not make him feel like he's the stupidest wretch in bed that ever lived...she's looking at him like she really wants him.
Now most of you THINK (in you own minds) that you are competing with big boobs, tiny waists and bizarre positions. guess again.
You are competing with the woman who In his Mind...wants to have sex with him and allow him to see and watch and smell and taste all the wonders of her...and who does not have a look of disgust on her face when he climaxes or has not spent the last 27 days making excuses and avoiding any reference to his weenie. If your man is an jerk in bed...Teach him what you need or Your being the Jerk. If he's unwilling to learn....Don't bother having kids with him.
And want to know why guys Don't want to talk about how they are feeling....
"he says it was only during times that we were having relationship difficulties....Which I DISSAGREE WITH????????????????????"
How can you Disagree that HE FELT there were difficulties...Can you fly as well as read minds? Maybe in his mind and heart...he's felt there were difficulties that you didn't bother to notice because at that moment...YOU were happy as a clam or wallowing in victimhood.
So the only time Hes allowed to feel unhappy is when you are? And if he expresses his feelings...its a fight..If he wants to show you he loves you...that's all he thinks about........so he gets away from it all with some pictures of naked ladies who have a look on their face like they want him. How dare he.
Your not competing with big boobs dear....your being one.
You cant have it both ways....If you want him to stay away and not look at you...fine. He didn't promise you long stretches of celibacy....and you didn't make it clear that life with you would have that rule.
Instead of complaining about him....read some with him...suggest it...but choose your own. And most of those throbbing manhood romance novels are Porn...just uses different words....same effect. Several cable channels have beautiful romantic stories...than never show the actual act...but if you say Honey look at this...and you see a lovely bed filled with rose petals and candles...he might put the effort in to do that for you. If he thought it would make you want him.
Your body is not perfect....GET over it. His is not either...and he figures all the nerve endings connected are working...why not utilize them from time to time.
Now I realise that many of the things i have said to you may sound harsh....they are. But, you are wrong about the whys and if you look at them from a higher perspective...you get it.
I almost lost my marriage...know why?
Took me for ever to figure out WHY my two boyfriends and I never had a cross word....were totally in love...kind to each other and happy. Yet....my husband and i could not be in the same room with each other without it being a terrible battle. I was pretty sure it was ALL HIS FAULT and I felt it my utmost duty to convey said knowledge to him at every opportunity.
I was harping on the mean, stupid, inconsiderate...blahblah...of this to my dear sweet light(who happens to be a counselor)...and he was patiently listening. He smiled and said....know why?
I shook my head.
Because....Do you treat him like you do me?
No...he's my husband.
Then try being His mistress....steal him away from that person....
guess what.....My boyfriend saved my marriage....that's why the hubby likes him so much. Because he gave him back the girl he fell in love with....who fell into the roll of desperate harping wife without even realising it. I never used sex as a weapon....but I drained the wish for it by constantly being disappointed in my husband. Or at least making HIM FEEL I was Disappointed. Get it? It didn't matter if I truly was disappointed in him or not...I did things that he interpreted as such...and that's how he FELT. And he would say up late to look at porn...and he would avoid me and he was flat out mean to me....but when I took the first step....
When I sat down with him and said....Hey...I want to see too....and teased and joked and we ended up in the bedroom....I pretended he was a new guy....and I played again instead of Get on,off and off.
Then...I forgave him for cheating first(i would have eventually anyway...he just played the bad guy and I played the martyr)...and for all his mistakes and I took the guilt off his shoulders(without expecting anything...just for him)....and within a few weeks he wanted to know what had changed?
I very kindly told him what had been said...and That is how I manage 3+ relationships while most can't get one right. I am not bragging by the way...I want you to understand that all three have similar things that have made a huge difference.
If a man does not want my body as is....he won't come back for more. If he's here I will assume he likes me as I am.
If he asks....wow...howd you get that scar? I don't wither...I say "bike wreck" (or what ever) and go on.
If there is any way I can ease his mind, complement him sincerely, or make a wish come true...I will go to great lengths to do it. I don't expect anything in return and if one of them forget my birthday...good cause I can't keep theirs strait either...I do the unexpected instead.
Be playful, cheerful and make them laugh...and if you have a grievance....Speak directly...don't hint or pout or ever say "NOthingggggg." unless that is how you feel. (as in you just sighed because you are sleepy...not because he has not replaced the light bulb above he patio and you just fell on your elbow...he can't read your mind and the game is on so he didn't hear the thud)
Cherish him in bed. If you want to be cherished...teach him. Say openly and with enthusiasm..."Wow...your blank really makes me...." or "you have the most sexy ..blank...I have ever seen...I want to stroke it kiss it nibble it..."WHAT EVER. Don't act like his body is your moral mortal enemy...it is YOUR palace of pleasure if you will allow it to be. (and yours his)
Respect the fact that He has valid feelings too...and you hurt them from time to time...he may not pout about it...but he won't take out the trash or fix the leaky sink either.
Accept him for who he is. He will never be perfect...he will drive you crazy sometimes....but that can be a good thing.
Be positive about yourself. Your mind is the boss....you may feel hurt, sad, depressed, angered etc...but you can only hold on to those things if you choose to do so. You may not look like Venus anymore....but the girls in the pictures don't have moving fingers, mouths or anything....They can't call to them or really Please them.....they bring those men back with the look in their eye....get that look in your eye. My eyes seduce men and my mind...if it was just pretty....I would never have a shot....psssst but they don't know that...they think i am the sexiest woman they have EVER met.
It is all in the spin...
actual conversation this week.
BF eyes roaming. "Wow...she's pretty."
I look....."yes she is....but look at the one in the red sweater...you know she's a hottie."
He glances at her and nods. then smiles at me. "She might be a hottie...But I KNOW your a hottie..."
"hmmmm...takes one to know one."
Now how would YOU have handled that?
"Wow she's pretty..."
face turns red...eyes glare. nostrils flare...
guy misses it. So you kick him. "What" he says....realising that he's ticked you off..."Well she's not as pretty as you...honey I love you....."
But, you will not speak to him for the next four days...and every time he gets up his nerve to try to hold you or hug you....your going to push him away. Then your going to catch him looking at porn and now you have hopped to the next thing to be ticked off about....and while your at it....He lost the car keys last month and if he's going to LOOOK at other women during lunch with you....well you are still mad at him about those keys toooooooo. And if he loved you he'd figure out why your hurt...so he doesn't love you ....so you must not be lovable...and now your depressed...and he doesn't understand you...so he must be an awful husband.....
I know that's funny from the outside. But isn't there some truth there. Which person won?
Porn is not the problem. Your issues are the problem. Fix YOU and His issues may fade significantly...not because this is all your fault....its not. But because as you gain yourself back...you will handle things differently and you will become happier....you will draw him like a moth...and you will have fewer issues.
Now I am just about done with this book. I am sorry it is so long and I hope i have not offended you. I use sarcasm to make points more obvious...But now you know why I called myself BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006):
The porn has as much to do with rape as rape does with with sex- ie not much.
People express their sexually a lot of different ways- some weird, some kinky and some in fantasy. Some women have rough sex and they enjoy it; some women have piercings and they enjoy it. Some women are into fisting although it grosses me out. It a major leap to say that no porn actress, considering the fame and the renumeration, can be the business with her own informed consent.
If he keeps it away from you, maybe at a hotel, how is directly effecting you and should it. I think he probably views this as a victimless 'crime', just like he wouldnt care if you touched yourself after watching Dancing with the Stars while he was out of town.
[ Adding: Men, at least the group of 20-35yo white males I know, do not want a porn model or stripper for their wife. We know skinny limbs look good on camera but are bad in the sack. The one friend I knew who dated a stripper broke it off after a week- she is just wasnt gf material. I wouldnt worry that your body isnt perfect. Women are the only ones who are that picky about each others flaws]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): [long excrutiating sigh that shakes my spine until it breaks] Well, that makes a lot more sense now doesn't it? [wink]
In that case, like I said in almost every thread, if you've talked about it with your hubby and he still feels it's whatever, then hey, it's not getting through to him and you are obviously not comfortable with it, etc, etc, and I'm not going to rebuttal that what you said about "and deserve to be respected as such", and so in the end, if things are really that great aside from his occasional porn, well, you can either:
A) compromise, or B) leave the guy. Cus you know you know? Like you said, if everything else is so great, and you're upset about this one thing that kind of reflects your past, then hey, what else can you do, aside from making him more considerate of you or compromise? [shrugs] Take route B, leave him. That's it. Counsellling? YOU THINK he needs counselling? I highly doubt that. I'm just saying of course.
Look, if there isn't open communication and the willingness to consider each other's mental, emotional, and physical welfare, then the fences of troubled relationships will just continue to grow higher and thicker.
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A
female
reader, tkd_fox +, writes (14 December 2006):
tkd_fox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, I really opened a can of worms here didn't I......
I think some of ya have misunderstood me a bit.....I don't hate myself or anything, I'm actually pretty glam for a housewife with 2 kids......but I do have some pretty big mental and physical scars to deal with.....I find porn offensive beacuse it portrays women as objects, as someone here pointed out. All women are somebodys daughter, wife,sister or mother and deserve to be respected as such. I've been used as an object before, I was raped at the age of 18, nothing to do with porn I know, but appart from the physical aspect of the attack, I was also spoken to like I was some sex hungry whore in a porn film. I have had a great sex life despite what happenned to me, I'm not frigid or anything, but porn is a step too far for me, brings back too many unpleasant memories. I'm also excluded from being able to resemble a porn star because of my 2 caesarian sections (10 inch scar!), although I wouldn't be too surpised to hear that there is a branch of porn devoted to surgical scars!!! I'm probably not that ugly, just feel that way sometimes...Maybe this helps u all to understand me a little better? I'm not against anyone enjoying whatever they want, but it's not for me, and by my fella watching it he has bought it into my life whether I like it or not....dunno if any of this makes any sense but it's what I feel.....tkd_fox
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 December 2006):
 Im sorry if I caused any offence. I was mearly trying to point out that you dont have to compare yourself to anyone. I do not think that porn is a big deal, but clearly some people do. At least i have the courage to stand up and say so, and not leave myself anonymous.
I dont have the perfect body, and i never will have. But i dont feel that i need to compare myself with anyone.
Everyone has a different veiw i guess, I was only pointing out, that you should not upset yourself.
You really dont have to put up with him doing this, but if he enjoys looking at thease images, wouldnt you rather he was not sneeking behind your back to look.
If he wont listen to you and you really cant bare the fact he does this, maybe the only alterative is to let go.
You could find a man that says he has no interest in looking. But I dont think there are many about.
Im sure there will be loads of men and women that will now write in saying (how dare you I dont need to look at porn).
Well im sorry but from past experience a fair few do.
I really hope you can talk things through with your partner, because that is the basis of any good relationship. If you can talk through stuff no matter how upsetting, you have a great chance together.
Best wishes
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): Come to think of it, more like absolutely delicious! [smacks lips]
[ahem]
This one's for your amusement WillyWombat... 8]
[wink]
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): tkd_fox:
May I suggest to make some home-made porn with your hubby? I loved dressing my then gf as a cat - cat ears, mittens, a little raver's dress and boots... Puss in boots... 83 She looked absolutely gorgeous on her fours purring... 8D
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reader, forgetmenot +, writes (14 December 2006):
 I don't think you need to compete with the women in the porn. I think in a way it's just watching people have sex that's the turn on and not necessarily the people themselves. They might not be the sort he'd even find attractive if he met them.
The problem really is how insensitive he's being about the issue. The fact that he doesn't seem to care that it upsets you is worrying.
Does he go to hotels specifically to watch porn? How often is this happening?
You say your relationship isn't feeling particularly affectionate at the moment anyway. Do you think the porn would be making you feel so insecure if he was more reassuring in other ways?
If it's seriously gotten to the point where you're thinking about ending it then maybe you should suggest relationship counciling to him? And if he declines maybe go to counciling yourself to help you build back up your self confidence and choose your next step.
In a way, the porn is probably just a symptom of underlying relationship problems and tackling them might be the key to reaching a satisfactory compromise on this particular issue and couples counciling can be a great help in getting there. Good luck :) Feel free to message me if you need to talk anything out
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): now look at it and point things out to my B/F, he has gone the other way and cant be bothered.
Hellloooo, anybody home..cant you see the correlation between his porn use and the fact he's gone off you??? yet you still promote it to this poor woman
So try not to compare yourself, its pointless. And anyway he probably fancies you more.
If he fancied her MORE he would even care what those women looked like or bother looking at it
It IS a big deal he is undermining her value and the value of EVERY woman in the world by using porn...Contrary to what the person said below there are plenty of hot blooded males who dont use porn...hold out for one OP
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 December 2006):
Hi,
Please dont make this into such a big issue,its really not.
As the other aunts and uncles have said, whats the big deal.
Why do you have to compete anyway, thats like saying if we look at fashion mags we should all be a size 0.
Look at it as a bit of fun, if you join in at looking with him he wont be so obsessed with it. I used to find it hard to look at as well, but after a while it seems far less shocking. The thrill to him is, most likely, that you do find it so shocking. I now look at it and point things out to my B/F, he has gone the other way and cant be bothered.
So try not to compare yourself, its pointless. And anyway he probably fancies you more.
Have a happy new year XX
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reader, willywombat +, writes (13 December 2006):
Wahay, same debate yet again. Some women and men have no problem with porn, some do. Lets just deal with the issue in hand for the questioner....please.
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reader, tkd_fox +, writes (13 December 2006):
tkd_fox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, just to see debate on the subject is a relief after the deadly silence at home (have been trying to talk about it at home.....he is 'too busy', or too embaressed!) The thing is, he is ataying in a hotel monday night....he's gonna do it again and there isn't a thing I can do about it....I don't want him turned on by other women, that's supposed to be my job....for my own reasons, my fella is the last sexual partner I will evere have, if he left tomorrow I would be celibate....we have had a great sex life together, but it's my last chance at a fulfilling sex life and he knows that....I feel like I am being rejected. Maybe I could cope with the porn thing if we had a more affectionate relationship, but we don't, he NEVER tells me I look good and sex is something that happens after midnight with the lights off, he has called me a prude on this porn issue, but HE is the prude, not me....I don't know what the hell to do...tkd_fox
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): 1. oops that 10% was gay2. a perscription for 100% of the women to chase after 10% of the men == 90% unhappy women3. since the 10% are in demand, they can basically treat the women however they want. Net result= all women unhappy.Wouldnt it be easier to try to understand that the other sex has needs and not everything is another a slam against womanhood. It much easier to try some understanding than rejigger all of soceity in some artificial way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): 1) I dont believe its only 10%
2) if it is its still worth holding out for him
3) If all women did this the 10% would have all the ladoies and the others would have their hands...Im sure that 10% non porners would grow pretty damn quick
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):
I'm sorry but are we really going through this again?
She has two kids with the guy and people are encouraging her to break up with the guy and go chasing after an illusion?
How is she supposed to get this 10% of the 26-29 male population that doesnt like female porn?
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (12 December 2006):
Even porn stars cannot compete with porn stars!!
Just remember ALL the images we see in the media (naked or not) are airbrushed, made up and professionally lit to within an inch of thier lives!! NOBODY looks like that in real life, news readers, actresses, porno men and women....NOBODY!!
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reader, Learning2Love +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're going through this.
No matter what anyone says, porn is an escape, a very unhealthy escape. You just have to read how they describe women (on websites in particular) and you realise that their world isn't based on reality. I admit that I've looked at porn (when I've been randy and weren't dating at the time) but the few times I have gone onto those websites I've left, feeling sick to my stomach... There is no sense of respect shown for the female body and any man who can't get off without it, is fast loosing touch with himself and how he perceives women - woman as an object as opposed to flesh and feelings. I don't care if people disagree with me (incl. martini and his blog toting friends) I've seen it too many times with guys of different ages, not to pick up on the tell tale signs.
Your husband should first of all respect you enough not to do something that you are not comfortable with. Secondly, does he have so little respect for himself and you, that he would choose temporary (sick) satisfaction over you? I can understand when a couple decides to experiment TOGETHER and they turn to porn to spice things up (again, there are better things to do).
I know that some men become addicted to the stuff, and the only solution then is seeing a therapist or a support group. I think you should consider these things, together with the excellent advice that the other agony aunts gave you.
I hope it all works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): To the OP....sweetie you dont have to put up with this....Men like to say (and some women) oh but I love my wife/gfs body more , porn menas nothing blahblahblah...but the truth is if they really loved the bodies of their partners more they wouldnt even bothere with the 'airbrushed perfection' of porn.. Porn viewing men think these bodies are the ideal, physical perfection of females...how can any real woman compete even if she is beautiful, attractive and sexy???? Those who say 'you dont need to compete well then why does he look if he has TOTAL satisfaction with her body then thee is no need to go elsewhere to look....after all if you have a porsche you dont waste time looking at holdens as you have the ultimate already....Porn just proves he sees you as the hiolden and them as the porsche...Take my advice get out now while you can..THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO DONT GET OFF TO PORN...YOU DESERVE ONE
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reader, Nikita +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Hi,
Please dont feel ashamed of yourself or your body. Porn stars finely tune their bodies to look its best(well most anyway. Ive seen some that are dogs!)and some have surgery too. My partner looks at porn and he tells me that he doesn't in any way fancy these people or love me any less nor does he want my body to look like a porn stars and to be honest i dont really fancy having gigantic boobs that you could park a bus inbetween.! To be blunt, he looks at it to relieve himself because its quick, convenient and he gets a thrill. It doesnt affect our sex life at all.
The problem here in your situation is that your husband is insensitive to your feelings on this issue and should take into consideration how rejected you feel. It may be just porn to him but to you its a much bigger thing and he has to try and understand that. I do know how you feel because if you're feeling insecure about your body and then you see these so called 'perfect' bodies on tv that your partner is sexually responsive to then its bound to hurt but just remember that you're the real deal here. You're not fake or silicon enchanced. You're his partner and its you he's with but he does need to listen to you and not turn this round on you. I think you should try talking to him again but not in an accusing way so that he becomes defensive. Tell him how you feel, how strongly this is affecting you and that you feel it could break you apart. if he knows that he could lose you, it may make him more receptive to your feelings. I would also say that you try counselling either with him or on your own. Hope this helps. Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): I agree totally with Martini. There was a good discussion about porn and marriage, have a read of it.
Don't put yourself down. I can never understand this porn thing. If you stated that you don't like it then he should back off the stuff. I know what it can do, my first husband was well into it. I just hate the stuff. He should love you for who and what you. Like most women you have been with this man for some time, had kids. We all feel at times like we cannot compete with some of these porn stars, but lets face it, who in their right minds wants to. They can't think too highly of themselves and bodies to do it, can they?
Just you be yourself. Have a good chat with him and put your point across to him. If this hurts you so much and you cannot go on like this then seek some kind of separation or try and go to a Marriage Guidance Counsellor.
I wish you well because i have been there and it isn't fun.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): You shouldn't and do not have to cope or compete. There was a debate here on DC about porn and marriage. It turned out to be quite huge. If you want to take read through it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-says-i-make-him-feel-dirty.html
Anyway, you shouldn't feel ashamed. The thing is, if you've tried talking to him about it, and he is inconsiderate of your needs and wants, then this is indeed a dire situation for your life with him and the kids. It's really unfortunate. However, I'm sure one of the Ms. Anti-Martinis will come here to attack me with their anon handles for saying this next thing... Your hubby says he looks at porn when you and him are going through difficult times. He's not attaching emotion to the porn. He's using it to get himself off temporarily.
Now think about this before you go blow up in my face (possibly). For him to look at porn, does that affect your sex life? I mean, does he look at porn and jerk off to that instead of having sex with you, or does he only do that when he's far away from home, or when you two are fighting?
Just remember that though some people here may believe faithfully that all men who look at porn are pigs (why pigs? why not sheep or horses?), you have to weigh it out in reality. Firstly, it feels like you are over-reacting, unless you haven't given us all the details. Second, unless your sex life has gone bad because he prefers porn over you, I don't see a problem here. Third, he says he only does it when you two are fighting - doesn't that say something pretty obvious? To him, those porn stars are objects - without emotion. After he gets off on them, he puts them away. He doesn't put you away. He probably loves you, but sometimes, men and women need to get away when sh*t flies everywhere.
For me, when things were really tough between me and my ex, I drank beer, raced at the raceway (not at the same time!), or went cycling for hours, and sometimes when it got so bad that it hurt, I would look at porn, but I had no emotional attachment to it. In the end, I loved her. If she told me she didn't want me to surf for porn anymore, fine, I would have stopped. Alas, she always said this to me, "I understand that sometimes when we fight, you need something else to make you feel better. Instead of killing yourself racing or drinking, occasional porn is fine."
I tell you, the only time I looked at porn while with her was solely because of our fights.
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