A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 and finding it really hard to trust my boyfriend who I have been seeing for 2 years. It is not just about trusting him around women it is also certain 'trustworthy' issues regarding financial privacy and principles. I have dealt with some of the early issues which involved him keeping a picture of some women on his phone, he received several phone calls from drunk women late at night on his phone and seemed to get text messages from several different 'friends' who would put kisses at the end of their texts (one was married). He made excuses for them all. I put this down to him having been spinning a few plates before he met me and he was perhaps a bit flirty but my self esteem was pretty low when we met that I was a bit insecure. The thing was I never put him in those situations with texts from my male friends etc. I know that he still goes out with his mates and chats women up but he gets angry when I ask him saying that I don't trust him and what is the point if there is no trust and that he is not a cheat. I feel like its my fault for over-reacting.As time has gone on there have been a number of things that have not stacked up. We spent some time looking round houses for me to rent and as we both looked around one house he was in a different bedroom to me. I went onto the landing and in the gap between the door and the wall I am absolutely sure he was opening the top drawer of a cabinet to have a look in it - I was so taken aback at the time I never said anything. I just couldn't believe he could be so nosey?He is currently abroad with work. I met him at the hotel he is staying at and he had a headset in his bag - I asked him where he'd got it from and he said the gym in the hotel gave them to guests for use in the gym and he thought "I could do with a pair so I thought I'd have them". Basically he was going to take it when he left the hotel. I felt really sick - horrified and said so - so he took them out the bag. The thing is if I hadn't he would have taken (stolen) them. I know people take stuff from hotels (shower gel, soaps and that kind of thing) but this was hotel property. He is very 'sharing' with information about finances as well (he is 31 years old) particularly with his family and he seems to tell me all his families details like how much his brother spends on rent and bills which I don't want to know. I am wondering how much his family know about my finances now and despite telling him I want these kind of things to be kept between us only he seems unable to help himself talk about it. I feel as though my principles about privacy, property and decency are being compromised sometimes. What bothers me is that I am now at the stage of the relationship where these kind of things are really important going forward and, as these things get uncovered, I am left wondering time after time whether I really know this person. I am finding it hard to feel comfortable in committing to him despite the fact he has many good qualities and I do love him. Very early on in our relationship I was chatting with his Dad and he said (about my boyfriend) "Oh well for sure he can certainly blag his way through most things." I have felt uneasy ever since. Am I overreacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): No I don't think you are overreacting. Well the part about the women texting him, as long as it was at the VERY beginning of your relationship, and as long as it has STOPPED since then, I wouldn't worry about it. I mean every guy you get into a relationship with is going to have a few girls he has been talking to. And usually within a few weeks, just until you both are official, it should stop. On the part about him chatting women up when he is out with friends, I personally find that really inappropriate.On the part about how he divulges everybody's financial arrangements like its nobody's business, that's just annoying and unattractive. It's like he is gossipy and who knows what other type of information he shares with others?? He is just gossipy and like doesn't have any moral boundaries in terms of that. That's learned behavior. That's just that he grew up that way. The fact that he steals, that's just another unattractive thing about him. Of course its wrong and it makes you wonder, well if he doesn't see anything wrong with little things like these, what other sort of behaviors might he be capable of that you have yet to find out about?? I mean it's the little things that count and the little things can really show you alot about a person's character in the big picture. So I can totally sympathize with your suspicions. I too would feel very suspicious. He just doesn't seem like the type of person who has any sort of moral dimension or boundaries. He doesn't have a little angel on his shoulder to smack him in the face when he is not supposed to do something.My conclusion is that if you can't trust him with little things, I don't think you can trust him with big things either.
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 if you want to continue with this nice but lousy man who is destined for personal bankruptcy go ahead.
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