A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 younger brothers with 2 years gap between us respectively. My parent often speak out about their opinion that son is preferable and useful for family. We are chinese and i hate that.Although theres so many open minded chinese parent that can treat their daughter well,my parent still stick to that tradition direct or indirectly.My dad told us that why chinese prefer son than daughter. Because they thought married daughter is like died daughter because shes going to live the rest of her life with her husband and become other family member. While son can become their successor. I cant deny this fact but personally i care for my family so much. In my mind i will always give my dedication to them although someday i married. He often call my brothers to eat something delicious and share things that he enjoyed with them. While he's hungry he asked me anything for eat. Its like he always remember me if theres a job or hes in need of help. My mom is quite better than him even though they share the same view. Years before shes the one who start to give healthy and delicious food for my brothers. My dad is the one who is very close to me and bring me everywhere since i was kid. Hes not that successful before. Is that maybe because we are wealthy now so that they thought my brothers is very important to continue their business and money? At home i do laundry, cooking, and helping business( although i play minor role in this).My passion is reading people biography, health related topic, food and safety tips and i share what ive learned to my family. Im considered smart and wise girl by my parent and they often discuss crucial things or decision making things with me. They also rely on me related to administration and health topic. They always bring me to accompany them if theyre going to have check up with doctor. My brothers is more naive. This lead me to think that they using me for their own good.Ive confronted them about this fact and i become rude and sarcastic to them sometimes if i sense unfairness they treat me. This is worser day by day and I dont care what they will think about me because i know they dont really love me. They seems to be appreciate everything my brothers did and never feeling grateful or appreciate what ive done for them. I tried to make them happy by taking them to sceneric places which they enjoy very much but still my dad shows no grateful or any appreciative toward me. Im feel that its useless to even do something good for them anymore. I always have resentful feeling toward them now to the point im so jealous of my brothers. My dad make any money related decision involving them like buying houses with their name and bank accounts with huge amount in it. One of my brother shows his less of loyalty and love to our family when he choose his girlfriend over my parent. He pushed my dad away,lie,stole money and make my mom cry always everyday when shes upset seeing his son. Now hes not with the girl and my parent seems to forget all the mistakes hed done. I wish im a boy and i wouldnt be desperate in this family. What should i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): You are too focused on how your parents carry-on tradition; but you are not noticing how they prize and value you for your intelligence and resourcefulness. They love you very much; because they see how dependable you are, and how well you take care of them. Don't you doubt for one minute that they don't love you as deeply as they do your brothers, if not more so. They would be crushed if any harm would come to you. They are stubborn, old-fashioned; but not stupid.
Older children usually carry more responsibility than their younger siblings. Times have changed, and they are more financially secure; so they see their sons as their future and they will carry on the family name. Your jealousy and resentment of how the culture views males is making you blind at how much they care for you. You have allowed your resentment to blind you from the fact your father takes you everywhere, they consult you for important things, and they see how well you are developing as a woman. They are old-fashioned in their ways, and that can be troubling. It is tradition that you really resent, they are doing what their parents and the culture dictates. You are more free of thought and you are a bright and strong woman. You see things differently. But just a little distorted, because you hate the tradition, but you're taking it out on your parents.
Their sons may not turn out to be what they expect of them. They will put a lot of pressure on them to be successful, marry well, and to have children. That takes a lot of pressure off you. You may be the one they turn to, if they become ill and age weakens them. They may come begging for your mercy and forgiveness when they see their precious sons aren't anything but spoiled over-privileged brats. They will value your devotion as a good daughter; because fate will have it that way. Don't interpret their values and chosen lifestyle as less love for you. See it as part of the era that they were born in and how old-fashioned they are in their thinking.
Once you have married and gone from their lives, they will do everything they can to hold on to your love and devotion; because once it is gone, they will notice the big hole left in their hearts. Forgive them. They love you more than you know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): here is a suggestion ...you could buy yourself a prime cut of steak and cook it to perfection and then when it looks and smells delicious you sit down and eat the whole meal alone. When your brothers want to eat you tell them that you are looking after yourself as a girl, because no one else is. This might get the message through to them.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (15 August 2015):
You’re not a boy, and your family are part of a culture whose values and ideas you are not fully reconciled to. You will not be able to change either your sex or your family’s values, so will have to find a way to live with them. Perhaps you will always disagree with the way that men and women are treated differently in your traditional culture, but you have to find a way to live with that. I read your post very carefully, and I think you are equating cultural differences with differences in the extent to which you are loved and that is why you are so hurt and upset. I don’t think this is the case. A society may believe that the roles of men and women are different. They may believe, for example, that women should remain at home and play no role, or a minor one, in matters of business. They may even believe that property should go to the eldest male. As a result, the families will treat the boys and girls very differently because their place and role is different. This is a fact of culture. It does not have anything to do with loving the boy more than the girl. If your parents think that a daughter is like “died daughter,” it’s because they will be sad when you get married and become part of some-one else’s family. They say that because they love you. When traditional parents are disappointed to have a girl, it’s because they fear they will lose her in a way that they cannot lose their son when she gets older. Culture is one thing, love is another. It sounds like your parents love you, care for you, and want you to be a part of this family. Their culture requires that they invest more time and energy in to their sons, and you might disagree with that, but hopefully you can learn to accept it if you realise that it isn’t because they love them more.
I wish you all the very best.
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