A
female
age
41-50,
*iddo!!
writes:Hi, My mum introduced me to a guy which she thought is suitable for me. We went out for a week and then he flew off to a different country as he works there. In the week that we spent we had a really good time I found him to be really nice but it was the last day when I went out with his family he told me that it would be better if I would have dressed up more conservatively, well I didn't, I took his comment in a negative sense and thought that it's no problem for me to be more covered in front of his parents.He calls me almost every day and we talk for a good one hour. Now I am getting the feeling that he is not the person that I went with. He is so different. He interferes in my personal stuff like what I should wear and what I should not and orders me not to do stuff that I want to like. I wanted to attend these salsa classes and he stopped me by saying to wait and then we would learn it together, he even stops me from doing certain things which I feel are very personal and that he has no right to give me suggestions when I don't want any. He says that he loves me and he wants to protect me and what ever he says is for my own good but to me it seems very offensive. He wants us to get married as soon as possible..Is he right and I am acting differently because I feel as if I am controlled and told what to do even for the minor stuff as if I had no brains of my own. Please tell me how to make him understand that he is acting very personal and that I need my space to breathe. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 If he is this controlling now - what is he going to be like when you marry? I think that he has the potential to become abusive, control and isolation are usually the first steps. He needs to control how you feel about yourself too, so that is why he is trying to make you stop doing anything without him. He has absolutely no right to order you to do anything. RUN, don't walk, away from this man. And the next time your Mom picks out someone like this, tell her how mistaken she is about his character and don't date him. You are smart to have recognized the problems in advance, I think you will be just fine picking out a better match for yourself next time. Good Luck and Take Care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): i feel like this generally with guys i get with. it is very understandable, and the way I would deal with it is, although it feels as though he is very controlling, it just means he wants you fo his own, 'nobody else can touch you' sort of thing. i pushed my bf's away, it was wrong of me. just sit down and tell him, that although he is a guy with real feelings for you, you just need the space, as you are a living person as well. you have a mind and you are intitled to your opinions. as for the salsa dancing, i'd love to do that, do it in mean time, as you say ur bf has flowen out to different country. and just tell him, you will begin now, so you can help teach him when he comes back to you.xx hope this will help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): I don't like this kind of domineerance. Sorry but it doesn't sound right to me. I think that you are wise to be cautious. What kind of life would you have with him telling you what to do and wear all the time. It would get worse if you two got married. He shouldn't tell you what to wear infront of his parents. Is he ashamed of you? get rid of this one or you will have a life of hell with him as your master
TAKE CARE
XX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): I don't like this kind of domineerance. Sorry but it doesn't sound right to me. I think that you are wise to be cautious. What kind of life would you have with him telling you what to do and wear all the time. It would get worse if you two got married. He shouldn't tell you what to wear infront of his parents. Is he ashamed of you? get rid of this one or you will have a life of hell with him as your master
TAKE CARE
XX
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (15 March 2007):
 No, you're not wrong. I think this guy seems a bit more dominant than what is healthy.
When he told you to wear something more conservative in front of his parents it could have been brushed off as he was trying to make his parents like you, but the way he now tries to interfere further with your way of dressing is controlling. Even more disturbing is how he tries to make you not do certain things that you would like to do.
I don't think any of the stuff he's telling you not to do is for your own good and I don't think he has the right to act like he knows better than you about these things.
If I were in your shoes I would try to get rid of this guy before he manages to weasel his way into your life, but if you want to give him a chance, then let him know how you feel about his behavior lately and see if he changes.
Whatever you do, don't get married to him in a hurry. Tell him you want to wait a year or two, in order to make sure that you two will be good for each other.
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