A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been depressed since the end of last summer. Up to about Xmas our sex life was fine but now things have gone really down hill as he is no longer interested and does not want to discuss it and I feel as if I am putting more pressure on him. I find myself getting more and more upset and tearful and it is hard to be understanding all the time. What can I do to help? He has been to the doctor and has just started taking anti depressants.
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male
reader, TorontoGuy  +, writes (15 March 2007):
I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend. She has been battling depression/anxiety for a couple of years off and on - long before we met. I have had a very hard time dealing with her distance and lack of emotion lately. She never wants to discuss sex or be intimate either. We are in a long distance relationship and only get to see each other once every few weeks, but our phone conversations havent been hot and heavy for almost 2 months now. Im feeling rejected, but i keep having to remind myself that this is due to her depression - not me. I want her to be happy. She is going to see someone now and is looking at starting some anti-depressants. She said that most meds lower libido and the ability to reach orgasm. This doesnt sound reassuring, but really its about her being happy in life before worrying about sex. Ultimately I want her to be happy in her life and of course our sex life (phone sex or in person as in our case) is not the top priority right now. But it is a big part of a serious intimate relationship and i miss it very much.
Im sure your husband and my gf dont want to feel the way they do, but depression is an illness that takes time to recover from. As long as he appears to be trying to find ways to beat it then I would continue to support him and help him get well. I've all but taken the pressure off my girlfriend lately and not mentioned my sexual needs at all. I told her I miss it, but she needs to look after herself right now. Its hard to deal with, i know. Hang in there and hopefully his doctor and his meds will start to help. It takes time. Good luck to us both...
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Do you know what is making him feel depressed? Have you spoken to him about how he's feeling? If he's feeling depressed and you push him for sex then you're only adding more pressure. I would forget about sex with him just now and concentrate on him getting well first. Give him lots of cuddles and lots of tender loving care. Be there for him and try and take the pressure off a bit by not letting him worry about things in the home.
Anti-depressants usually take 3-4 weeks to kick in and they should help him. The downside to taking this kind of medication is that his libido can drop anyway so put the sex to the side for now. Just be patient and let you know you're there for him. There is obviously something worrying him and if he can open up to you and tell you what it is then you can try to help him. Let him know you don't care what it is, you can both get through this. Tell him you love him very much and you no matter what is bothering him you'll get through it.
You have to be prepared for what IS worrying him. It could be that his work is stressing him out but it could also be he's been unfaithful to you so you need to look at every aspect and still remain strong once he opens up and hopefully he will if he sees you will be there to support him no matter how bad it is.
Eve
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