A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I work with my ex girlfriend. We went out and things were find but she didnt want anyone to know about the relationship at work and even lied to people that we were only friends not lovers. we went on holiday together and all the things that you do in a relationship yet she seemed to see more of her ex ( they presented a radio programme together. I took her on holiday a lot and spent money on her. still the silence continued introducing me as a friend . on 2 occasions that I know of she went to wedings without me I only found out the morning of the wedding where she was going. Everytime I complained she threatened to end the relationship but I was in Love with her so I alowed it to happen.Last christmas I paid for her to stay at an expensive hotel she stold me she loved me and was so happy. but the day after New Year she asked for a break because she had some family problems her daughter was having an abortion. she said that she had no energy for a relationship also she had financial problems so I agreed. She almost immediately found someone else maybe had him already in the wings a rich man which she tried to conceal from me. She even lied to me when I asked her if she was seeing someone else. They went on holiday the next day . I told everyone in work that we had this hidden relationship for two years, She tried to trivialise it. When I let her know that I had found out about the other man she hasen't spoken to me since just ignores me infact avoides me at all costs. I am now easten up with anger and resentment towards her as she seems to have gotten away with this. Should I confront her. I feel emotionally abused by this woman how do I get over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): "I complained she threatened to end the relationship but I was"
was abused and found it acceptable.
That is the real problem, you find it acceptable to have someone treat you this way.
You need to work on this. Years ago, I dated a woman who I met for lunch, at her workplace, met her at my workplace, took her to dinner in town, hiked with her, traveled with her, and was seen everywhere with her. She was surprised, and elated, and many other things. Yet we had problems in our relationship, serious problems. Problems I didn't understand, she didn't understand them either.
Underneath she was like you were, she had allowed prior men to treat her just like you have allowed yourself to be treated, and one of my colleagues had dated her and slept with her, and treated her like dirt, and nobody knew. He was a real ass to her, and he got away with it because of the secrecy. Nobody at the workplace knew that he did this and it allowed him to be a jerk to the fullest of his ability to be one.
Nobody knew because he insisted that nobody know about their relationship. Nobody knew because she was "ok" with keeping a hidden relationship. That was the problem. It means that you don't value yourself. Even if someone comes along now, treats you like a king, and marries you, you will still have this sense of low value.
This is your problem as well. Until you deal with this, you will never be able to know if you are in a healthy relationship or not. You will cause damage to healthy relationships, you will have pain that you can't explain, and your partner, no matter how dedicated and loving, will not be able to be as successful as they would want to be as they will likely not understand your responses and the problems.
Get professional help, for the good of yourself and your future relationships.
Take it from someone who has been there.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I agree with the first three paragraphs of aunty Bim Bim's advice. She did use you, she feels uneasy around you, and there is nothing you can do.
I disagree in what to do next. If I were you, I would quietly find myself a different job and leave. Much more easily said than done, I know, but that's my opinion.
You also have to learn that people who hide their relationships from the world are up to something, something that is usually bad for the party who is asked to stay hidden. Don't ever accept that again.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 You feel abused because you were used and abused.
The fact she now avoids you is an indication of her feeling, if not guilt, uneasy about what you might say or do.
Sadly there isnt a lot you CAN do ... if you start announcing to all and sundry about her behaviour you may come across as a sore loser.
However, I dont see anything wrong with asking her, if you happen to pass in a corridor or something, in a very friendly tone of voice, when you see her, something along the lines of "good morning X, lovely day, have you ripped anybody off lately?" or "Good morning, dug any gold mines lately", or "have you had any good holidays lately, who paid for it"?
And just keep walking hahah, let her know you are not interested in her slick answers hahahah
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