A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This might sounds a trivial problem or I might sound ridiculously jealous to some people but I could really do with honest advice from people on how to deal with my feelings. Im in my first relationship with someone that already has a child from a previous relationship. We have been together for a year now and because we are serious he has started to introduce me spending time with his daughter. He has her every weekend but I will spend one day a month with them so she gets used to me (we take her to the park, I do colouring books with her, just fun things like that). She is only 3 so I think she just sees me as a friend of her father, which I am happy with and is what I want, though she tells people im her daddy’s girlfriend (even though we havnt told her I am) – she seems to have accepted it and accepted me so far. I knew he had a child when we first got together and I naively thought it wouldn’t make a difference but Im wrong. We have started to talk about moving in with eachother and starting a family in the next year or two but for some unknown reason Im jealous that he has already done this with someone else. I listen to him constantly talk about his daughter and how hes taught her new things and how proud he is of her and Im proud of him for doing it, I just cant help feeling a stab of jealously that if we have a child togther, all my “firsts” wont be his “firsts”. Im going to be a new mum but he is already a Dad. I feel sad that hes gone the through the first-time experience with his ex. I know that sounds crazy and I sound immature but I don’t know how to get over this jealously towards him having experienced it all before. I don’t know how to explain it – I don’t think its jealously towards his daughter, its more sadness towards the fact that we wont be in the same situation as each-other whereas if I had a child with someone that was also a new parent, we would be going through every step together, learning everything together and would have the same experience. He already has a “baby girl” that is his world, and that baby girl isn’t mine. Im worried that if I don’t know how to deal with these feelings of jealously/sadness they are going to get worse and I could end up starting to resent his daughter because shes the reason for those feelings– I know that’s terrible but Im being honest. I don’t resent her yet, Im just saying that Im worried I eventually would, Also, when we do move in together next year, obviously his daughter will be staying with us every weekend but Im not sure what role Im meant to play. I don’t feel right being her step mum, Id like to be her friend. Is that wrong? Will he see it as wrong that I don’t want to play mum to her? Am I being ridiculous or are there other people out there that have experienced the same feelings? Should I discuss this with him or should I just hope they fade with time?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (25 July 2013):
I dont think you are being selfish because if you were then you would not have written in here.
I would feel the same in your situation which is why I have chosen to date only childless men.
2 of my exes lied to me about not having kids and when I found out the truth it was devastating. I suggest you talk this over with your boyfriend and he will understand your fears and worries, you sound like a caring woman.
good luck x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 I think you just aren't cut out to be with a man who's a dad already. It's not for everybody.
You don't have a problem with any other firsts. I mean, you are not worried for not being the first woman he kissed or made love to or even married. There must be tons of other things that won't be your common first because you have done them separately, from your first orgasms to the first time you travelled abroad.... but they don't bother you, you accept that , as an adult, he comes with a baggage of different experiences in everything- BUT parenthood.
So, I think that , no matter how much you love him and how much you like or want to like the girl, subconsciously you are disappointed because deep down you feel he's sort of second hand and and less than the spanking brand " new " guy you'd deserve. It's also possible that you are a person that wants to be the only, first and foremost object of love of his partner, and with a dad this is not going to happen, you'll akways come second to his child, or at the very best, on exactly the same footing, and that you translate this need for being the center of his emotional world , with perplexities about not sharing your " firsts " as a parent.
That does not make you an evil person, just someone who'd better find an unencumbered guy as her partner. Think about that before getting into this any deeper. In theory, you should be able to love his child as if she were your own, because she's part of HIM- Or at least, to see this girl as a joyful addition and enrichment to your future family, not a subtraction of time, attention and affection.
If you can't you can't, but- keep it well in mind to avoid future big trouble.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 July 2013):
You can not live a life resenting OTHERS for their experiences they have had BEFORE you.
If you can not ACCEPT those facts - you need to end it now.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (23 July 2013):
I do understand where you are coming from. I always knew that I wanted to be with someone who had never been married before and never had a child before. I wanted to share those firsts with whoever I ended up with. So I never dated anyone with children or who had been married before.
You are already in this relationship, so it's a bit late for that. I do think that if you can't deal with it, then the best thing is to get out before things go any further. Jealousy is a really tough issue, and it's unlikely that it will just fade with time all on its own.
I do want to point out a few things:
1) First child isn't the only first. If you are with someone else who doesn't have a child, would you be jealous that you are not their first partner, first fiance, first to live together, first to buy a house together, first to go on a trip together, etc.?
2) Sure, he's already a dad, but every child is a new and different experience. If you had 2 children, would the 2nd be unimportant because you went through all those experiences first with the first child? And if you had a child with him, then it would your first child together, which would be special to him anyways, as he is with you now.
3) If you do stay with him, get to know his child more. She seems like a sweetheart, and the fact that she has accepted you is such a blessing. You don't have to be the child's mother, but if you are in this long term, you do have to be closer to her. If you have children with her father, then they will be siblings. I hope that if that happens, she doesn't feel like an outsider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): I think the first poster is being far too harsh on you and your feelings. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do and you can't help it either. I think I would feel the same if I were in your position. I do however agree that if you can't overcome it then there is no future for the two of you. Have you considered seeking counselling to help you overcome your issues? I'm sorry I don't have any better advice but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about being honest either.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (23 July 2013):
No you are not being ridiculous , and the fact that you are trying to understand and explain your emotions shows you care about what you are doing. They say that love can overcome anything, and maybe sometimes there can be enough love to do that, but it doesn't sound like that's happening to you. You don't say anything about your boyfriends last relationship, and how they got their daughter, was she the result of a one night stand, or a longer relationship? I'm sorry but I think your boyfriend has done a bad job in making you feel special and the most important person to him. Yes, if he's thinking of making a family with you then you should be more important than his one day a week relationship with his daughter (this would be far less simple to justify if he were the full time parent). There is a lot of stress in having a child and it needs a very strong relationship that can withstand, and actually strengthen, from the new challenges of being parents. You sound to doubt if your relationship has what is needed and you should maybe take a bit of time to reflect before you commit yourself to a relationship that might not be right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): You love this man, right? He loves you as well? He's seriously considering starting a family with you. I would say that he's making plenty of room in his world for you and your future offspring...it's not like he's emotionally unavailable. You can't change his past. All you can do is be grateful that somehow, some way, fate or chance brought you together with a man that you want to start a life with. Not all are so lucky. To expect him to exist in a pristine or virginal state until you come along is, frankly, ridiculous. Let his life and his decisions and his past be something you SHARE WITH him, not something you compete against. This is not a competition. You don't have to struggle. This is, however, YOUR choice. How you look at it. Chances are, he'll be just as thrilled to have a baby with you, and all your "firsts" will be treasured just as much. I do empathize with the stepmom worries. I'm in practically the same situation, as a stepmom to a gorgeous 6-year-old boy whose dad was married for twelve years before me. His dad (my sweetie) is my first everything. Obviously I'm not a mother yet. We've navigated these tricky waters by open and blunt communication on a regular basis...what he hopes for my relationship with the little boy, what we both hope for us as a family, my concerns, issues that come up...and this communication has given me the confidence I have in taking up a semi-parental role towards the little guy. I'm still easing into it. If I'm scared or overwhelmed, I tell him, and he more than understands. Your boyfriend's role in all this is to facilitate loving, understanding conversation in all directions, and to make you feel a real part of a family, not just an interloper. What I've found is this. Stepparents who love a child EXACTLY as their own are rare. My (step)dad was one of these. I love my stepson, but honestly, I do not have that deeply maternal instinct towards him. I am concerned about him when he's hurt, comfort him and take care of him when he's sick, love conversing with him and aiding in his development, discipline him when necessary, but I am not, biologically or psychologically, his mother. Don't beat yourself up. You aren't the little girl's mom. She already has one of those. What lies to you is to pack that jealousy away, because no living creature deserves to be on the receiving end of that, and create a closer bond with your sweetie by talking about how, exactly, you are going to forge this family and move ahead. You wouldn't have the "same experience" anyway with a new child...because you're two different people. Mothers experience a new baby differently than fathers do, so there's another factor against your "same experience." If you're worried, talk to your sweetie (notice how talking does so much) about his previous experience. What he was thinking, where he was in his life, what it was like starting a life with someone else only to have it not work out. "He has already done this with someone else"...no, he hasn't. He hasn't done THIS. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Your life with him won't be the same as her life with him. Hell, your life with him could be ten times BETTER, even though it's not a "first." Sure won't be better if you don't embrace what you have and continue on this path, though.I'm rambling, but there are all kinds of reasons why your jealousy is incredibly misplaced and useless. I hope some of them made sense...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): The problem with unchecked jealousy is that it turns into resentment. That resentment can be acted out in different ways. The scary part is that an innocent child is your focus.
She didn't plan her time of existence. The one who has a choice about things is you. Jealousy about "firsts" is nonsense you've created in your own head. The reality is, he already has a lovely little girl that he adores, and he is a loving and active father. He is that rare kind of guy that accepts his responsibility, and takes care of his child.
You come along and introduce an element of jealousy over what you can't change. Do your best to get over it, or find someone without children. The fact you don't know what to do is an indication that you aren't making any effort, and deep down inside you really don't want to accept the fact he already has a child with someone else.
I'm more concerned about the little girl than you. Your jealousy, in this case, it is so misplaced. You can't be sure you can control it; so my advice is to get out while you can.
You shouldn't have to force yourself to deal with jealousy,
it should have subsided when you acquainted yourself with the child; who happens to be an extension of the man you love. So what if you didn't have a child first? It wasn't sprung on you as a surprise, you always knew.
It shouldn't have taken him a year to introduce you to his child in the first place. That doesn't make any sense either. You were thrust into a situation without being given true benefit of the doubt. You could have backed out before becoming so emotionally involved.
If you can't contain your jealousy, get out of this relationship. DO NOT... I repeat...DO NOT setup house until you tame your jealousy; knowing this child is going to be a part of your life, as long as you are with this man. She has innocently accepted you; but I fear how things will turn out, if you move in with her father.
Jealousy is like venom. I hope he doesn't marry you before you get it all under control. I fear you will selfishly hide your true feelings just to get what you want; and at some point down the road, you will have a child. Your jealousy of his attachment to his "first" will come out.
You will not allow yourself to love that child as though she were your own.
You might forget the two children would be blood-related!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): "I don’t know how to get over this jealously towards him having experienced it all before"Break up with your current boyfriend so you can marry and have children with an childless man. "Im worried that if I don’t know how to deal with these feelings of jealously/sadness they are going to get worse and I could end up starting to resent his daughter because shes the reason for those feelings– I know that’s terrible but Im being honest. I don’t resent her yet, Im just saying that Im worried I eventually would"Legitimate concerns; the very real possibility that you could come to resent a little girl for her existence is all the more reason you need to end this relationship and move on to a childless male."I don’t feel right being her step mum, Id like to be her friend. Is that wrong? Will he see it as wrong that I don’t want to play mum to her?"As a live-in girlfriend you wouldn't be her step-mother, you'd be the legal stranger (no relation by marriage, adoption, or blood) with whom her father is sleeping. I don't think her mother would think it is wrong that you don't want to play mother to a little girl who is not your daughter or her father's wife and who already has a mother. Whether or not the kid would consider you a friend is entirely up to her, you're her father's acquaintance, not hers."Am I being ridiculous or are there other people out there that have experienced the same feelings?"No, you're being honest, it's unfortunate that more people in your situation aren't willing to admit the truth. Sad fact is that a long-term ripple effect of children being born into unstable, tenuous, short-term relationships is there are too many kids being shuffled between parents and witnessing a parade of "uncles" and "aunts" traipsing through their parents' bedrooms spawning a succession of scattered half-siblings. "Should I discuss this with him or should I just hope they fade with time?"Unlikely your feelings will fade with time and it's very possible your resentment will only intensify. For the little girl's sake, do what's best for her and bow out of your father's life before she will be able to remember you were ever a presence.
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